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Old May 19th, 2018, 10:51 PM   #61
Dalcourt
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Default Re: Feeling at war with yourself - my bipolar diary

For some time now my sleeping patterns are completely messed up. This happens sometimes but usually it goes away on it's own but it has been a while now and no signs it will get better.
This is very dangerous for my condition so I'm starting to worry.
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Old June 8th, 2018, 10:41 PM   #62
Dalcourt
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Default Re: Feeling at war with yourself - my bipolar diary

My insomnia has gotten worse and worse lately. I hardly sleep more than 2 hours.
I'm constantly feeling slightly dizzy and not tired at all. I'm so pumped with energy.

So yeah the perks of mania.

I can't think about anything since I have about a hundred thoughts at the same time.

My whole body feels like it is buzzing.

There is no way to calm down or sleep without meds but I just don't wanna use them.
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Old July 13th, 2018, 09:01 AM   #63
Dalcourt
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Default Re: Feeling at war with yourself - my bipolar diary

I haven't posted in here for like at least a month because it's been so hard to describe how I feel even to myself.

I keep myself busy and don't really think about anything at all.Living in the moment to thinking about past or present is what I do right now.

I feel bad about myself and don't really wanna think about it so I just refuse to.

Time will tell how long this works out.
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Old July 18th, 2018, 10:22 AM   #64
Dalcourt
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Default Re: Feeling at war with yourself - my bipolar diary

I'm just back from my Caribbean vacation and back to work again.
It's so weird I had worked at a place outside of town with more wealthy patients. And now they phoned me if I wanted to come back there. They need a replacement for some time and the patients asked whether I could come back. I didn't feel like they particularly liked me and told that to the manager but she was like oh no...they just love you. Ah well. No idea what to think about but even if the pay is okay it means getting up at 3:30 am at least three days a week. Just awesome.

Anyway I have a lot of energy at the moment so I'm able to do it. I'm feeling somehow high and hardly ever get tired and I'm in an exceptionally good mood. This is a mix of having time away during my vacation and meeting with so many great people and of course with being in a nearly manic state of mind. I was rather subdued for a while without falling into a real depression a day now I'm rather without getting into real danger.

I'm happy about this cuz it means that even without heavy medication my mood swings even out. My hard work and therapy really pay off to have a drug free life without being a danger to myself and others.
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Old July 20th, 2018, 07:34 AM   #65
Dalcourt
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Default Re: Feeling at war with yourself - my bipolar diary

I have been listening to the same song for hours so Dad was genuinely afraid there's something wrong with me. I usually do this just when I'm extremely depressed. And since it is a rather dark song, I guess it is natural. Usually I would use headphones but I was to lazy looking for them.

But I'm not depressed. I feel oddly at peace. The music just had something hypnotising. It made my train of thoughts almost like a movie that played out in my head.

It's like having weird visions without being on drugs. Strange visions of death. It's not about being depressed and wanting to die. It is simply about accepting death and come to terms with it. I've been having those since I visited some great out of me in Haiti some time ago but it grows more and more intense.

I can't really talk to anyone about it here since I'm sure they will freak out. But yeah those thoughts don't make me unhappy so I'm okay with that.
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Old August 9th, 2018, 11:03 AM   #66
Dalcourt
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Default Re: Feeling at war with yourself - my bipolar diary

Before our family gathering I dumped my boyfriend. I was feeling good about it. I constantly felt inadequate around him. He always gave me the feeling of not eingesperrt good enough. Like he had to be ashamed when he was with me.

I wanted to be with him but he made me feel he didn't want to be with me. Like I was inferior and pulling him down somehow.

So I felt a real relief after ending the relationship. Some weight being taken from me.

But now I have been back home for one day and I feel like I can't stop crying.
Not really because I regret the whole thing but because I feel so dumb.

It's the second person this year I put an effort in and got disappointed like that.
First with a female I thought would be my friend and then this guy.

It is not easy for me to open up and be my real me. Due to my acting so weird because of my bipolar it takes some time to trust someone to not just play a role but be myself.

They both just played with me. Put me down for whatever reason and always made me feel guilty and like I was a bad person.

I feel so helpless and mad and everything. I have not done anything except cry and lie in my bed in a darkened room.
Dad tells me I should not do that since I make myself sick this way but I just can't help it.
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