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Old April 14th, 2019, 08:25 AM   #1
DragonflySphere
Junior Member
 
Join Date: December 20, 2017
Location: Australia
Gender: Male
Default New level of pain

A lot has happened in the last month and everything seems to be getting worse. The pain has reached an all time high and I don't know if I can face this situation.

Not long after my most recently started thread in "Depression, Loss, and Grief" was posted, I found myself properly considering suicide. In the past, it had felt like a brief flash of it happening but it was not enough to evoke emotions. That day, I forced myself to hold back the tears as I considered the option. Most of the day, the thought haunted me but I only started to break down once I was in my bedroom that night so nobody else could see me.

The next day, I worked up the courage to talk to my friend about the situation and I ended up bursting into tears. Fortunately, she was able to comfort me and she managed to convince me to see the school counsellor again with the intention of not letting my parents know.

In the counsellors office, I wasn't breaking down but I felt far from comfortable. The counsellor spoke to me about my depression, what occurred last time and my "anxiety" (I was shocked when she bought this up. It does seem possible but I can't imagine it being that serious in comparison to the depression). I was informed that they would be able to get someone into the school to help me but they would have to get my mum's approval for it to happen (dad's isn't necessary as he doesn't pay for schooling). I agreed on the condition that my situation had to appear better than what it was. After that, the same routine happened as last time. The counsellor talked to my mum and she talked to me when I got home.

Like last time, I felt happier after getting it off my chest. It was the best I'd felt in months. I was actually getting help and I might eventually be able to put this all behind me.

That was 3 weeks ago. No follow up from the counsellor or my mother and no mention of anyone coming in to help me. I felt broken inside even more after that. I ended up returning to cutting, using a bigger knife than last time and cutting deeper than last time too (probably still not considered very deep but I'd consider it a big difference compared to last time). While thoughts of suicide weren't as strong as that one day, they are still stronger than before.

What do I even do at this point? I don't know if I should confront my counsellor about it or if I should bite the bullet like I've done in the past. I'll take any advice possible.

Last edited by DragonflySphere; April 14th, 2019 at 08:26 AM. Reason: Errors
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Old April 14th, 2019, 11:45 AM   #2
Uniquemind
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Join Date: April 1, 2015
Location: USA
Gender: Other
Default Re: New level of pain

Stop, don’t do it it’s not worth it and it gets better.
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Old April 14th, 2019, 12:15 PM   #3
ska8er
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Name: Andy
Join Date: August 23, 2013
Location: Pennsylvania USA
Age: 18
Gender: Male
Default Re: New level of pain

Talk to ur counsellor again and ask
where the help is. Suicide is not the
answer. Talking to someone or in a
support group can help. Ask the
counsellor if there r any groups in
ur area.
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Old April 14th, 2019, 05:29 PM   #4
cozoe
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Name: Zoe
Join Date: April 1, 2019
Location: Colorado
Age: 16
Gender: Female
Default Re: New level of pain

Find a counselor, a friend, someone, anyone and talk. Please, things do get better. I've had some really bad times where I was close to suicide but I got help and things did get better. Just please, find someone to talk to.
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