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Old February 29th, 2008, 11:46 PM   #1
aleus
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I don't know why I'm doing this. Maybe it's just one last desperate attempt to find the answers I've sought for so long.

I've had schizophrenia for the last eight years of my life. I think that life has almost come to an end. I'm just wondering, is there anyone out there who knows what it's all for? You know, is there a reason to carry on? Is there any light in the darkness? Is there hope in a life of unrelenting suffering and torture? Does anyone know any definitive answers or is it just pointless in the end? My whole life I've devoted my energy to finding the answers and in the end I don't think there are any. But maybe I'm wrong... maybe someone out there has figured it out. Let me know okay?

Thanks

"In my darkest hours I could not foresee
That the tide could turn so fast to this degree"

Lost in the darkness
Hoping for a sign
Instead there's only silence
Can't you hear my screams?
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Old March 1st, 2008, 01:11 AM   #2
Whisper
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Life has many twists and turns mate
When I was little I was molested and beaten
Throughout my life I've struggled with severe clinical depression, self harm, hospitalization, attempted suicide and insomnia
My mums a struggling alcoholic and just

ya

I don't fully understand schizophrenia I'm sorry but I know what its like to go through some very dark times
And believe me please, please believe me its not all dark
Theres always hope

After my last attempt my dad had to carry me out to the truck and then into the ER because I was to weak to even walk
then I was in a bed looking out a huge window and the sun was coming up the next morning and I was utterly amazed as stupid as it sounds the sun glittering off the water, kids walking to school, just...theres always hope okay

I don't believe in a god
But I do know that everything in life is a balance
and if theres so much darkness
then there must be equal light
Yin & Yang kinda thing

You're not alone
This is what VT was founded for

http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=udxmoHrcLDg

~xXx~

♫♪Κodie♪♫

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Old March 1st, 2008, 03:26 AM   #3
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You're not alone.
My grandma is schizophrenic and I show early signs of it.
While I can't tell you what it's all for, I can tell you that if you start panicing and backing yourself into a dark corner only makes things worse. Sometimes you just have to hold tight the best that you can and let the light find you .

No life is pointless no matter how bad it may get, we're all here for a reason and we're all in it together to live life the best that we can given our circumstances.
You're still young and full of good life, I'm sure that if you just hold on for a bit longer you'll find your refuge.

So if you care to find me, look to the western sky.
As someone told me lately, everyone deserves a chance to fly.

✯ Alis Volat Propriis ✯

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Old March 1st, 2008, 04:36 PM   #4
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Thanks for replying guys and your kind words. It's good to know that people out there do care, even though I feel unimaginably alone and like no one out there knows I exist.

Whisper, seeing the sun glittering off the water from a hospital bed and letting hope penetrate a very dark place is in no way stupid. But you've got to understand that my entire life has been full of those glimpses of hope and when it happens I indulge myself in the thought that maybe, just maybe, things could get better. But it never does and that hope eats away a little more of my soul everytime.

As for holding out a little longer with the belief that things may turn around for me I've just got to say I've been holding out my entire life and I'm doubting that continuing to hold out any longer is going to change anything. I'm not trying to say your advise is a load of rubbish, because it's not. I just want you to understand that my whole life has been spent trying everything possible to reverse my situation without success.

My first psychotic episode began when I was thirteen but I've been displaying symptoms since I was eight, which is when my problems really began. That's not to say the eight years leading up to it were good, they weren't. I don't remember what happiness feels like. I don't have a clue what reality is either. My life so far has been one traumatic experience after the other. I get through one, let my defences down believing that things will be different now only to be destroyed by another. It's relentless and it never gets better. And then on top of all that is the illness itself, which makes things even more unbearable. I hear voices, see disturbing visions that aren't there to any one else but me, experience devastating delusions, my thoughts become bizarre and seem to be not my own, people can't understand me and I struggle to understand them, I have nightmares, I've had insomnia my entire life, I can't tell the difference between reality and dreams, I get severe depression regularly, I've been suicidal for the last eight years, I suffer from flashbacks and generally people tend to see me as weird. I have no friends, no one to confide in. I'm totally alone in this crazy world I inhabit.

My life is all about survival. Things shouldn't be that way, it's not natural. A person's worst enemy should not be their own mind. I've dedicated my life to helping people. Right now I'm doing a degree in psychology at university because one day I want to help people get through the things I've had to endure. The thing is, how can I help people if I can't even help myself? I want to be able to eventually sit down with a patient with a mental illness who's in a place no one could possibly escape from and be able to say to them with complete conviction that there is a way out.

Anyway, sorry for going on so much, but I just hope you see that I have tried everything and nothing has ever helped. Continue posting yeah? I'll always be grateful for hearing from people,

Thanks

"I'm just a man, I'm not a hero,
Just a boy, who had to sing this song"

Lost in the darkness
Hoping for a sign
Instead there's only silence
Can't you hear my screams?
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Old March 1st, 2008, 05:58 PM   #5
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My mother has schizophrenia. I've seen it live and in action first hand and I know it is very difficult. There's no way to downplay the struggles it causes. Its not easy thing to deal with and its something that affects your everyday life.

3 years ago my mom was a mess and made life very difficult. But now, 3 years later my mom has gotten much better since then. She isn't perfect and some days are bad but most days she's fine. She may fall out of the loop a day then she'll bounce back.

So it is something that is treatable and can improve. It will take a lot of work and patience but it can happen.You have to see a doctor and do therapy if he/she recommends it. Also lean on your family for support through the hard times.

The founder of this website is schizophrenic and created this website to help people, which it has done for many many teenagers. You can help others too and you don't need to be perfect to help others. We are all human.

Don't give up. Its a long haul but the impact you can have on others lives and what you may experience later on can make it all worth it. You have to have faith in yourself that the bad times won't be permanent and motivate yourself to get out of them.

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Old March 1st, 2008, 07:49 PM   #6
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Yeah... I am aware of these things. The only reason I keep on going is the thought that one day things might change and the thought of what I would put my family through if I ended it.

But as far as treatment goes I'm pretty much a lost cause. The only way out of this now is by solving my problems personally. That's why I am appealing to you all for answers. It's possible someone may suggest something that may help me solve the madness.

No one noticed anything was wrong with me for a year and a half after my first psychotic episode began. Sometimes I can't believe how blind people can be. It's like people see things but it never registers. It's only when your behaviour becomes so incapacitating that people have no choice but to see it. Up to that point I was cutting my arms to shreds. As soon as they'd healed partially I'd do it again. I was smoking, and although that's not such a massive thing, to see a thirteen year old doing it would surely register in someones mind, surely. Even some sort of intervention may have lead to the discovery of other problems and maybe some earlier help but like everything else it was overlooked. I was talking to my voices openly and collapsing into tears regularly. My behaviour at school was bad, my attendance even worse and instead of people opening their eyes I was simply labelled a problem child and that was that. So the days passed and no one noticed I was desperately crying out for help. I was just another outcast. I came to class one day and kind of fell into a temporary catatonia. Nothing registered, nothing made sense, nothing mattered anymore. My teacher noticed I wasn't working and came over and started yelling at me whilst I just sat blankly staring at the wall. He dragged me to reception and told the receptionists he thought I was on Class A drugs. They phoned my parents, and as I sat waiting for my father to pick me up to take me to hospital a teacher came and sat next to me. This teacher was kind of the one designated to keeping an eye out for troubled kids so she asked to see my arms which were cut to ribbons and for the first time ever someone truly saw.
I was taken to hospital and signing into reception I stood staring emotionlessly at the clock as my father told the receptionist I was on drugs. And all that time the receptionist was looking at me puzzled and I knew for the first time ever that someone was not only noticing, but recognising, the pain and the torment I was going through. That day was one of the rare times I was given a glimpse of hope. Now I don't know what hospital waiting times are like for you guys out there, but in the UK they are awful. Instead of waiting for the usual three or four hours I was seen within ten minutes. The receptionist had pulled aside the nearest doctor she could find to get me seen as soon as possible. The doctor asked if I wanted my father to come in with me but I told her I didn't. I hated my father. To some degree I still do, even though I moved out when I was 16 to my grandparents because I couldn't take it anymore. The doctor took one look in my eyes with some instrument, sat back, crossed her arms and said "You haven't taken any drugs at all have you?" She asked me if I knew what a councellor was and until that point I never knew people out there had jobs to help people with their troubles. She asked if I'd like to see one they had on site and I agreed. I met the councellor and for the next few hours I told him everything. Once we finished he immediately reffered me to a psychiatrist as a special case. The psychiatrist kept the institute open beyond closing time just to see me. It seemed strange that I was recieving such special treatment when all that time no one had ever shown the slightest concern about me. They had never seen.

And so began my journey through the mental health system. For the next six years I underwent treatment. I saw psychiatrists, psychologists, councellors, therapists, doctors... everyone out there who could help. I've even been hospitalised. None of it mattered, none of it changed a thing. Over the years I've been placed on nearly every medication under the sun and nothing has worked. My current psychiatrist has kind of given up on me in despair. There's nothing else she can suggest to me or place me on. All I can really do now is try and make it on my own. I've got to try and work my way out of the waking nightmare I call my life. So you see, treatment is yet another solution that will never help.

Sorry for the long story. As long as people are willing to listen I expect I will post many more. I'd like people to share my experiences. I feel I have a lot to offer others out there, because there are ways of fighting this, it's just I have no solutions about how to end it yet. I'd like to help anyone that asks for it. I've got a lot of experience with schizophrenia and many ways of making it more bearable, so feel free to ask. I don't want to make this just about my problems, I want you guys out there to share your thoughts and experiences here too. And if I can't write here, where else is there?

Thanks for listening. Keep the posts coming. I love to hear from you all.

Lost in the darkness
Hoping for a sign
Instead there's only silence
Can't you hear my screams?
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Old March 1st, 2008, 07:54 PM   #7
Atonement
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Honestly, I really dont know that much about schizophrenia. But all I can say is hold on. If you have been trying this long to be well, why would you give up now? All the time you have spent trying would have been wasted. I always believe there is a light at the end of the tunnel and you just ahve to get there and all will be well.

Good luck and get better.

All you need is love.
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Old March 1st, 2008, 08:20 PM   #8
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I'm like you, shrinks have never worked so I've had to find my own ways to cope.

What I've found most effective for myself is talking about it openly, surrounding yourself with good people while letting go of the dead weights of your past and taking up some new passion or hobby that makes you feel good about yourself.

I don't know what all that you have tried, but for me, this works and it makes the voices and images visit me less often (if that seems to make sense).

So if you care to find me, look to the western sky.
As someone told me lately, everyone deserves a chance to fly.

✯ Alis Volat Propriis ✯
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Old March 1st, 2008, 10:01 PM   #9
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I completely feel for you, i haven't been diagnosed but what your saying everything the despair the fear the hopelessness it all speaks too me. I always feel alone I try and use drugs to help myself better but they honestly made it worse. What you said Aleus everything you said sounds just like what is happening to me it. My attendance is horrible and everything feels like its going down the tubes like theres no hope but just knowing i might not be alone even on some far away level i feel a lot better you might not know it but what you said and described makes me feel a lot better like you somehow know me. I feel like life is devoid of god right now but somehow you lifted me up by speaking out what you were feeling like you tapped onto some kind of hidden surface.
In other words you made me feel like theres nothing to worry about i feel so nice right now.
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Old March 1st, 2008, 10:27 PM   #10
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Thanks essasteph, what you said does make sense. I do cope using some of those same techniques. The only part that's impossible for me is "letting go of the dead weights of your past". Unfortunately it's impossible for me to let go of the past, mainly because I suffer from intense flashbacks and as a result have to go through past traumas repeatedly everyday. There are also several other reasons I can't let go but I won't go into them. Let's just say that I believe the key to curing my illness lies somewhere in the past. Anyway, I'm posting again because the subject of coping techniques has come up and I want to part with some pearls of wisdom of my own to everyone out there who hears voices. So listen up guys (only if you want to of course) and I'll explain some ways of coping. Remember, all of these techniques are things you can do on your own in the privacy of your own home. It involves no visits to a mental health specialist or doctor, although doing those things is vital too.

Coping With Voices 101

#1 - Compromise

Although there may be times that you may believe things like the voices you hear have been implanted in your mind, or are being transmitted from some obscure third party (aliens, government etc.) through some medium like the radio or television, and even though you hear them externally (not inside your head) you must force yourself to remember that the voices are actually a product of your own mind. Most importantly, and this is absolutely vital, you must believe that of all the voices you hear, your inner voice (the one you think with inside your mind) is the most important voice of them all. That inner voice has dominion over all the rest, so never allow them to tell you differently. After all, this is your life and your mind they are invading. Never take any crap from them. I know it's extrememly difficult but it does work if you persist.
Now, undoubtedly, all of you who hear voices have a tendency to talk out loud to them. I'm guilty of it... I still do it sometimes even though I've discovered this technique. Sometimes I just forget. Unfortunately to other 'normal' people it seems as though you are actually talking to yourself and as a consequence they'll tend to think you're weird and most likely avoid you. Talking out loud was something I didn't realise I was doing for the two and a half years I went through my first psychotic episode because I was totally unaware I was ill. When I went temporarily into remission the symptoms did not stop, they only decreased in their intensity. It was at that point I discovered I didn't actually need to talk out loud to my voices. You have to compromise. You have to tell your voices that the only way you're ever going to communicate with them anymore is through a mind dialouge. By that I mean you think what you want to say and 'send' it to the voice you wish to address rather than say it out loud. Voices are in fact capable of hearing mind dialouges because they are a product of your own mind so don't let them tell you any different. Always remember your inner voice is the dominant one. If you are strong enough to fight back you'll never need to talk out loud to them again. They will go into submission if you persist. They may attempt to intimadate you, or scare you and if they do tell them to shut it, in your mind, until they give up. It works but its not easy to pull off. I hold whole conversations this way in public and no one knows any different. When I'm on my own I don't bother anymore. If there's no one around to hear me then why bother?

#2 - Personality

Never, ever give your voices names. Even if they tell you their name, do not address them with it or think of them with that or any name. If you allow them names you make it personal and give them a life of their own. It gives them reason, purpose and personality. If you want them to leave you alone or even go away completely you have to distance yourself from them as much as you can. Ultimately the best way is to ignore them completely but I know how hard that is, so this way is simpler and easier.

#3 - Alternatives

My last technique is the simplest. I don't know if this works for anyone else so don't be disappointed if it doesn't. I really hope it does though. This last one is to simply listen to something else rather than your voices. I was listening to music one day when it suddenly struck me that everytime I actually listened to music I never heard voices. For me, this does not ever work if I listen to something I don't like. I listen to rock music because it means something to me. It goes deeper than anything else is possible and covers every range of emotion there is. I connect with it and can relate the music with my life experiences completely. The voices only stop when I listen to rock music but that's just me. As a result of this revelation I brought an MP3 player, put all my music on it and listened to it everytime I went out. If the situation required the need for conversation I'd leave one earphone in. It's true that some people think it's rude but to me it means I don't have to put up with voices in my public life and to me that's more important than what other people think of me.

So there you go, there's a few techniques you may want to try yourself. I hope they work for you all. Keep posting.

Lost in the darkness
Hoping for a sign
Instead there's only silence
Can't you hear my screams?

Last edited by aleus; March 1st, 2008 at 10:38 PM.
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Old March 1st, 2008, 10:49 PM   #11
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I would like to learn more about schizophrenia. And even if you think your life is pointless, I'm sure there are other people who don't think that about you.
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Old March 2nd, 2008, 12:43 AM   #12
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Smick, thank you so, so much. That is the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me. Being the emotional wreck that I am it actually made me cry a little. Just knowing that my words and experiences can make someone feel good, no matter how short lived it may be is a feeling I could never put into words. You are definitely not alone.

It's strange. I've always known that there are other people out there suffering through the same things but I've never tried to reach out to them until now. I am so glad I did. Somehow I don't feel so alone anymore.

To thePianoMan I'd just like to explain that although I'm a pessimist I don't in any way think my life is pointless. I apologise if I may have put across that impression. In fact I think my life has been a beautiful thing even though it has been full of suffering, pain and despair. I'm proud of who I am, who I've been and the person all the madness has made me. I'm proud I've gotten through so much in my life, and I am proud that I am still alive even after all I've been put through, even after the multiple suicide attempts that luckily I've survived.

Thanks for the replies. Keep em coming guys!

Lost in the darkness
Hoping for a sign
Instead there's only silence
Can't you hear my screams?
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Old March 3rd, 2008, 03:44 PM   #13
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You should be proud man you've gone through allot
Suicide is never the answer no matter how dark the road may seem
theres always options
sometimes there just hard to see

I'm glad mine failed
And I'm glad I've survived all the accidence's
...I'm a bit of a cluts


If you need someone to talk to I'm always here

♫♪Κodie♪♫
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Old March 4th, 2008, 04:47 PM   #14
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Hey everyone,

I'm kind of sad to see my thread has pretty much died. I was sort of expecting some sort of heated debate over the meaning of life. I guess I'm too much of a dreamer. Although, I guess I am partly to blame that this hasn't happened because after all I came up with the mind-numbingly boring title 'Answers'. Since my first post I've desperately wished I could change the damn title so it might attract more people to this thread. Again, dreaming *sigh*. I don't know, it might be a good idea to like add an option so people can change the title... a note to admin. But when I think about it I see the obvious practicality issue that if thread titles were changing all the time things would get kinda hectic and confusing. So anyway, come on everyone and keep this thread running well past any that's ever preceded it on VT please. Don't make me beg.

All it takes is your view on the meaning of life. The more controversial the better, as long as you don't break any VT rules.

I'll be watching...

Lost in the darkness
Hoping for a sign
Instead there's only silence
Can't you hear my screams?

Last edited by aleus; March 4th, 2008 at 07:26 PM.
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Old March 4th, 2008, 05:28 PM   #15
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If you wish to start a debate
create a thread in
Ramblings of the Wise

♫♪Κodie♪♫
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Old March 4th, 2008, 07:29 PM   #16
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Okay, thanks. To be honest I'm not kind of entirely sure what I did hope from this thread. I was kind of thinking debating the meaning of life/ the meaning for living in a kinda schizophrenic context. Oh, I'm confused. Mania sucks.

Lost in the darkness
Hoping for a sign
Instead there's only silence
Can't you hear my screams?
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Old January 19th, 2009, 09:35 AM   #17
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Keep living, even though life may suck at times, life is a gift and so should be treated as such. Sometimes it seems like lifes pointless, sometimes it feels like your living in hell ... life is hard. If you have no purpose for living why don't you commit your life to something useful .. like helping the comunity in some way. Feel empowered, even when you are in the midst of deep depression. I believe there is a God out there and sometimes we are put through these struggles so we know what deep intense hurt and suffering is like, that way we can help people.

Read the bible, Jesus talked great truths when he was on earth. Feel empowered as an individual .. as he felt empowered on his time on earth. So empowered that he sacrificed his blood for us.
If you have no reason to live then why not dedicate your life to serving humanity? We are put in this world for a purpose.

Nice to meet you friend.
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Old January 19th, 2009, 11:20 AM   #18
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The OP has not logged on since his last post in this thread, should he come back, he can PM me for it to be reopened, until such time....


All you need is love.
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