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Old January 22nd, 2014, 09:37 AM   #1
Etcetera
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Name: Destiny
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Default guys i need super help

i need help, because if someone doesnt help me i almost committed suicide last night if that tells you anything.

so ive made a post about my story. if you havent read that, ill shorten it.

child abuse, sexually, physically and every way possible. i am adopted now. i have been severely tormented and bullied since kindergarten. im a senior now.

i have a crap ton of health issues. i take over 15 medicines a day if that tells you what extent it is. it gets worse and worse over time.

ive been cutting since 7th grade, so five years. my parents didnt know so i came out about it in december. i told the school nurse. and i wasnt telling because oh hey i want my parents to know this... no, i was telling because i felt like if i didnt i was capable of causing more harm to myself that i could not reverse. i relapsed last monday after being 33 days clean.

well, my parents sat down and talked with me last night. mom told me she doesnt believe that i cut. because, you know, only horrible people like me would make that up, right? she told me i was making it up to hurt her and get attention. my dad told me that he is sick of me because it is always something, and every time "we" get something under control i come out about something else and he is sick of me. i remind you, he adopted me. and they hate me. they are borderline abusive if not abusive.

laying in bed last night, sobbing, uncontrollably shaking, and i got to the point i knew how i wanted to do it. i figured out how many tylenol i had to take for it to be lethal and i was fully prepared.

i am scared. very scared. and i dont know what to do. i am 17 now i will be 18 in july. i dont know if i can last until july. but if i talk to someone nobody will believe me. if i had a way to get away from here, i would have been long gone.

someone please help me.


Some people are just trying to figure out how to kill
the demons inside their heads without killing themselves.

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Old January 22nd, 2014, 08:07 PM   #2
Sykes08
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Default Re: guys i need super help

Hi I'm sorry to hear about your troubles and feelings. It sounds like your past has been shady and a lot of tragic events have happened. If there is anyway you can seek personal and private help e.g. A GP this could be essential or any friends you'd feel comfortable talking to?. Your parents clearly aren't supportive with this and that's why you think they hate you?

If this is the case I doubt they 'hate you', it is important that this thought goes away , because it may just be because you already feel vulnerable. A lot of parents, simply don't view mental health as a health problem :/, its a relatively new phenomenon and if they haven't experienced these feelings it may be that they don't understand what you are going through.

It would probably help if you had a few more specifics in there that I could potentially advise you on .

Also try to see every problem you have as separate, or write them down and think how you could solve them . It's easy when things are going wrong to view them all as one big problem, which can sometimes be the reason for suicidal throughts, splitting them up into smaller problems, should allow less breakdowns.

However I would say your main thing is to try and get out the anger and upset feelings of your past out to someone if you can. If not try and put it aside and focus on other parts of your life .

E.g. instead of focusing on this: what are your career ambitions , what are your steps and how are you going to reach them. Focusing on professional life goals, rather than social goals, can sometimes help you get through the bad times for a short while

I'm sorry if I've been no help, but I'd be happy to talk more if you want .
Matt.
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Old January 22nd, 2014, 10:12 PM   #3
Etcetera
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Default Re: guys i need super help

....


Some people are just trying to figure out how to kill
the demons inside their heads without killing themselves.

You Are Worth It <3
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Old January 22nd, 2014, 10:14 PM   #4
Etcetera
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Name: Destiny
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Default Re: guys i need super help

* * *Last night the pain in my heart was almost unbearable. I was in my bed messaging my boyfriend while I was uncontrollably shaking and sobbing. I knew even cutting was not going to help. I was hurting so bad and I just wanted to die. I was closer to committing suicide than I ever have been before. I had it all figured out. I knew how *much of a combination of tylenol and ibuprofin I had to take for it to be lethal. I can honestly say that was one of the darkest points that I have been at, ever.*

* *About a month ago, we were standing in the kitchen one sunday night after church and he (my adoptive step dad) was standing at the fridge with the door open. My half sister came up to him and playfully hit him on the arm with the tail of a stuffed dolphin. He said "Ouch, mackinzie!! That hurt!!" I was standing across the kitchen, baffled that he was yelling at her, a 9 year old, for playfully hitting him with a stuffed animal because it hurt. I said "really? it hurt?" He laughed at first at my statement, but suddenly something snapped and his face got bright red and he spun around grabbing the dolphin and came at me, cornering me at the counter, which made a 90degree angle. He turned the dolphin around, hitting me with the eyes of it, in the head. Anyone who knows anything about me knows that the slightest thing hitting me in the head can make me have a seizure. I yelled at him to stop, and started pushing him away and throwing my hand up. He kept hitting me with it saying "it doesnt feel good does it? It hurts, doesnt it?" My mom was standing there the entire time, and she said "Ed stop, you guys are taking it too far!" and eventually I stepped on his foot and pushed his stomach, and he backed off. I put my finger in his face and said "dont EVER hit me in the head again, EVER." I was really mad, on the brink of *seizure because of anger. He grabbed my finger and pulled it down away from his face, squeezing it very hard to the point that it turned purple, saying not to ever put my finger in his face again or he would break it so I wouldn't be able to put it in his face. 1) He threatened me. 2) He hurt me. 3) If he knew it hurt which obviously he did because he said "it hurts doesn't it?" then why would you do that to your child who is epileptic? That's ridiculous! And it did hurt, it may have been the plastic eyes of a stuffed animal, but a strong 38 year old man behind it is what made it hurt.*

* *He spanked me as a kid, and still threatens to do it, even though I am 17. He expects me to "act like the adult that i am," then tells me to back off and not to forget that I am not too old for him to spank. I am 17, and I'm sorry but I see that as inappropriate. If I have done something that wrong, he can ground me. Especially with my past abuse, any time he has came at me, whether he is beating me with a belt or whatever, it has caused a flashback within me of my biological dad beating me. I don't think he realizes this, but honestly I don't think he would care if he did. He would tell me I was making it up for attention. He has smacked me in the face before too. He uses it as an excuse like if I rolled my eyes at him or was being smart aleck in his eyes, he would smack me. He thinks it's okay. It isn't. It doesn't matter what's going on, it is never okay for a 38 year old man to smack a teen or pre-teen girl. He hasn't smacked me since I found out I am epileptic (9th grade), but he did it many times before that, and he still threatens.*

* * *Honestly, I am at the point where I cant handle being here anymore and I don't have any other options. Everything starts a fight, my body is falling apart and they dont support me about it, and I am not emotionally stable at all. I am crying for help. I am very afraid that I will end up doing more harm to myself in the near future that I cannot reverse.

* *Any person with a disability, such as me, needs support. Especially from their parents. And I don't get that unless we are around other people. My parents are so fake, and it's extremely infuriating.*


Some people are just trying to figure out how to kill
the demons inside their heads without killing themselves.

You Are Worth It <3
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Old January 23rd, 2014, 02:02 AM   #5
Katiya
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Default Re: guys i need super help

I feel you. That's a lot like my home life. My dad broke my elbow once while we were fighting. I fight back so I guess its always been my fault. But that tells you how bad it gets at our home. Yelling and screaming in the main way of conversing. I've just gotten use to it and have a some what soured attitude towards people who arent nice and I really don't care what anyone thinks of me anymore.

I understand your struggle with seizures. I sustained a serious brain injury and it has caused me some pretty bad problems including mini seizures. If someone hit me in the head it could kill or severely brain damage me. My dad its ridiculous like yours, exploding and breaking my arm (accidently) over a glass of milk. It was no a serious break and healed on its own but it was because we were physically fighting. He hasn't done any of that sense my injury. I'm not sure why but maybe he knows it could really hurt me.

I'm sorry your going through that. My mom is the same. Does and says nothing. Stay in the game. You will get out someday.

~I do not try to give advice as much as I do just point out facts as I have found people like to make their own decisions in life, not be told what one is best to make~


Please excuse my typos. I'm usually on my phone and it has issues.
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Old January 24th, 2014, 08:28 PM   #6
thatgothgirluknow
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Default Re: guys i need super help

I know it sucks but don't give up my family is allot like that and I know the feeling of flashbacks sucks maybe u could tell someone I did and it looks like I might be leaving my home its not easy but if its hurting u this bad then it needs to be done stay strong no natter what happens don't let it get the best of u remember u csb always Meg be if u need to talk

u know u love the goth girl


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