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Old March 3rd, 2009, 03:17 PM   #1
sparkmuffin
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Unhappy I don't know what's wrong with me..

I'm sorry this is quite long, I'm trying to shorten it down as much as possible.
I know a lot of this stuff is what happens in a teenagers life.. I suppose I'm just requesting help or advice with any of it.

I'm writing this now because I'm lost.. I don't know what step to make or what to do, who to speak to or trust.. I can't speak to any of my teachers, they'll tell my parents, and I find it so hard to say things, or I'll forget things, and stuff..

I'm probably making a bigger deal out of everything than I should be, but in all honesty, I can't escape or think or anything else. I feel so, so unhappy. I've never felt so terrible. I convince myself I'm in control, but quite frankly I'm not, I just can't be.. everything is swirling round my brain, I'm making the wrong decisions all the time, and getting even more into trouble rather than helping myself out of it. Each problem seems to interlink with each other, and I'm finding it hard to fix them.

This is my last year of school, I'm behind in my most important lessons, and I'm struggling to keep up with the work being set. Mostly, though, I'm finding it hard to work altogether.. I cannot focus. And when I can focus, I feel too paranoid to work, because I think I'm being judged upon it, or I think people are watching me work. But now I'm so behind anyway. Part of me doesn't care and just wants to give up.

I'm not as paranoid as I used to be.. I still think everyone is laughing and talking about me, (I know they aren't! I know the center of the world doesn't revolve around me, but I just can't escape it) like I said, it isn't as bad as it used to be.
But for some reason, I want it to be? I keep getting myself into trouble, making the paranoia worse by smoking cannabis, or putting myself in situations where it just gets aggravated. I don't know why I do this. I just feel like I need to hurt myself and be unhappy. I can't imagine not being like this.. the last 5 years of my life have been full of me being really quite miserable, and I can't imagine anything else. Things are just getting worse. I'm so lost.
I don't just make the paranoia worse, I get myself into trouble, because it helps me control my behavior and what people think of me. I have nothing to live up too, I have nothing I'll fail at or be embarrassed about, because that is what people expect. I hurt myself sometimes. Last year, self-harm was all I could think or do.. but I've worked away from that, for the most part.

I've never felt suicidal up till the last month. Now, the idea of killing myself is always there. I've convinced myself that I don't care about anything at all, even though deep down, I guess I do. I know I should. I just feel confused about what I should be doing, and everything that's going on makes it easier not to care?

I don't know how I should feel. Part of me is deluded and believes everyone thinks I'm insane and weird. And part of me believes it, aswell.. maybe I am?
I hate everything about me.. I'm not good at anything, I'm not pretty, there's nothing exactly special about me. I seem to mess things up all the time..

There's more I'd say if I could think of it, but now I can't think of anything. I'm sorry this is so long, or if it doesn't make sense.. hopefully you can see where I'm coming from. I know I need to help myself, but I'm struggling, and I think I need some help from the people around me..I think?
Or all this something I must fix for myself?

I just feel so out of control. I want to cry all the time, I hate being at school, I hate being at home, fuck I hate existing all together.

Like I said earlier..it's these past 5 years that have been a mess.. but the past year mainly.

Again, sorry it's so long.. and thankyou for reading, and replying, if you do..
I'm so sorry the above is such a mess, I'm just, so fricking confused!

I think I just want someone to talk too, but any time that's ever happened, it's always gone so badly wrong, I've been manipulative, they give up on me in the end, as well as me giving up on them..
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Old March 3rd, 2009, 03:42 PM   #2
Mzor203
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Default Re: I don't know what's wrong with me..

First of all, you have to realize that this is not a battle that is going to be easily won alone. You are going to need a lot of support as it seems you have a few psychological issues, as well as self-harm and drug use issues. So get the idea of going this alone out of your head.

Now, you haven't given us any information on what your home life is like. It seems that for some reason you don't want your parents to know about this. Is this because you're afraid of them? Or do you just not want to disappoint them? Because I think, if your parents are anything like what a parent should be, then telling them about some of this stuff would be a very good first step for this. They will be the ones most likely to support you in this, and get you help. But I'll leave this area alone for a little bit as I don't know if the parents are part of the problem, or potentially part of the solution.

Obviously you suffer from one or more mental illnesses, and tackling them is probably the first and foremost step towards dealing with your problems. Your self harm and drug use most likely stem from the mental illnesses, as you need to somehow get through the day, and they help you with that. The problem is, it seems that you are reluctant to get help. You've expressed that this is because you're afraid your parents would find out. But what exactly can they do to you? If you talk to a school counselor about some of the things you're going through, they probably would tell your parents, but your parents can't do too much bad to you if you express that you want to get things sorted out. They might be disappointed in you for using drugs or self harm, they may not care, they may be angry, but normally, for any parents, the most likely response from them would be a supportive one. So really, that is the first step. You need to get help with your mental illnesses, they are not just going to go away on their own, and if you let them continue, they are going to eat away at you forever.

It's kind of hard continuing with the advice if I don't know why exactly you are reluctant to talk topeople and get help, so could you give us a little more information on why exactly you don't want your parents knowing? Thanks.
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Old March 3rd, 2009, 04:01 PM   #3
sparkmuffin
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Default Re: I don't know what's wrong with me..

I didn't realise that things had gotton that bad. I've been so used to the way I am.. I didn't realise it could have been maybe a psychological issue, or something.

I'm sorry, I should have realised to explain about my home life. I can't really complain. I'm very lucky, my parents are supportive and..well..parent like. They've never hurt me, abused me, or done anything like that, as far as I can remember.
A few years a go, my school contacted my parents because they found out about the self harm, and my parents flipped.. they couldn't understand, and thought it wasn't normal. I think that's partly why I don't want to tell them? My mum and dad don't really understand matters like this, having never gone through them or having never had to understand before, and because of that, they think issues like self-harm are just wrong.
I'm afraid of what they'll think, and I'm afraid of talking to them. I just don't want them to know inside of my head, if that works? I can't see them supporting me through this.. I really don't see it happening, I think my dad would just loose it and my mum would blame herself and stuff.

If any of that makes sense? I tend to mess up what I'm trying to say when explaining things.

And thankyou very much for replying.
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Old March 3rd, 2009, 04:18 PM   #4
Mzor203
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Default Re: I don't know what's wrong with me..

I know what you're feeling when you say that you feel your parents won't be supportive. I'm going through a situation like that myself, where I can't bring myself to tell my parents about som of the problems I have, but I think you will be surprised if you do tell them. Of course they are going to be shocked, they might be angry, but in the end, you are their child, and they are going to help you so that you get better. I think you'll find that if you really get the message to them that you need to start seeing someone, and start getting things worked out, they'll help you. If you let them know that you WANT to change, then they will help you change, especially if they don't like what's happening to you.

In the end, you have two choices: Get help, and let your parents know, or keep going the way you're going, which I don't see turning out well. Telling your parents is going to be a very hard first step, but once you do, I bet it'll feel like a giant leap in the right direction.

Of course, it is your choice. But, I suspect you want to be better, and as I've said, getting professional help with your mental illnesses is the first step towards clearing up your other problems. Getting rid of your cutting/drug problems isn't going to come easy if you're suffering from paranoia/other mental problems, as you'll most likely continue to feel that you need something to lean on, something to keep you going.

So please, think about talking to either a school counselor, or your parents. It'll be a shock to some people at first, but in the end, you'll come out better for it.
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Old March 3rd, 2009, 07:03 PM   #5
IAMSAM
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Default Re: I don't know what's wrong with me..

5 years is a very long time to be unhappy. It's time to change that.

Whatever is causing your unahppiness needs to be addressed, it's clearly getting in your way quite severely. So, eventhough you don't want ot tell, let's come uo with a way (and the person) to tell, so you can get the help you need, and want. Whatever this is is bigger than you right now, I don't think you can address it on your own. And, treated with neglect, it will most likely get worse.

Parents often have initial difficulty accepting their kids unhappiness, and the more intense the unhappiness, the greater their shock. However, aside from that normal reaction (parents!), most parents, once aware of the extent of the problem, follow thru and get their kid the help they need. Don't confuse shock with outright resistance.

Who can you tell? A guidance counselor, your folks, a friends family? The sooner you tell someone, the sooner you can feel better.
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Old March 4th, 2009, 12:03 PM   #6
sparkmuffin
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Default Re: I don't know what's wrong with me..

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mzor View Post
I know what you're feeling when you say that you feel your parents won't be supportive. I'm going through a situation like that myself, where I can't bring myself to tell my parents about som of the problems I have, but I think you will be surprised if you do tell them. Of course they are going to be shocked, they might be angry, but in the end, you are their child, and they are going to help you so that you get better. I think you'll find that if you really get the message to them that you need to start seeing someone, and start getting things worked out, they'll help you. If you let them know that you WANT to change, then they will help you change, especially if they don't like what's happening to you.

In the end, you have two choices: Get help, and let your parents know, or keep going the way you're going, which I don't see turning out well. Telling your parents is going to be a very hard first step, but once you do, I bet it'll feel like a giant leap in the right direction.

Of course, it is your choice. But, I suspect you want to be better, and as I've said, getting professional help with your mental illnesses is the first step towards clearing up your other problems. Getting rid of your cutting/drug problems isn't going to come easy if you're suffering from paranoia/other mental problems, as you'll most likely continue to feel that you need something to lean on, something to keep you going.

So please, think about talking to either a school counselor, or your parents. It'll be a shock to some people at first, but in the end, you'll come out better for it.
I'm sorry to hear your parents aren't overly supportive of you. =/

I think you're right.. and it's a case of me explaining the situation, and answering their questions about it, and not lying, or anything..
Of course they'll be shocked, and they will be angry, but in the end if they aren't supportive then it doesn't matter, because I will still have gotton past the fear of whether they know or not.
Part of me doesn't want their support? I don't know why. We don't exactly have any physical contact, I can't remember ever hugging my parents, I think part of me is a bit weirded out that my mum might try to hug me or something. Which is somewhat off the point.
But the only thing that is stopping me from getting help, is the fact that I don't want my parents..interaction?, or support. Even if they did know and just didn't care, I would have gotten help by now, because I would happily do it alone or with the support of my friends and possibly teachers. Does that make sense? I'm not sure if I am :/

But.. I might go to the school counselor. I just need to work up the courage, or get to the stage where I'm totally desperate to tell someone. At least, maybe they can be there or help me tell my parents what's going on, or something..
I just don't know how to actually tell someone about all of this. It's easy writing it down, because I can think it through and if I make mistakes I can just retype it, and explain it better. But in person, I'll forget to mention things, or not explain it well, or I'll just go blank, because I usually do.

Thankyou very much for replying. You've been much help
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Old March 4th, 2009, 12:39 PM   #7
sparkmuffin
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Default Re: I don't know what's wrong with me..

Quote:
Originally Posted by IAMSAM View Post
5 years is a very long time to be unhappy. It's time to change that.

Whatever is causing your unahppiness needs to be addressed, it's clearly getting in your way quite severely. So, eventhough you don't want ot tell, let's come uo with a way (and the person) to tell, so you can get the help you need, and want. Whatever this is is bigger than you right now, I don't think you can address it on your own. And, treated with neglect, it will most likely get worse.

Parents often have initial difficulty accepting their kids unhappiness, and the more intense the unhappiness, the greater their shock. However, aside from that normal reaction (parents!), most parents, once aware of the extent of the problem, follow thru and get their kid the help they need. Don't confuse shock with outright resistance.

Who can you tell? A guidance counselor, your folks, a friends family? The sooner you tell someone, the sooner you can feel better.

The comments on here have made me realise how much of a problem these things are.. I didn't realise they were that bigger deal, maybe because I've put up with them for so long? I don't know.
But you've helped me see the situation from anothers point of view, and helped me see how my parents might see it too,
Thankyou for that.

There are, I guess, many options for whom I can tell.. my friends, my folks, and aunt or uncle.. a teacher at school or the school counselor.. my mentor at school (well I'm a bit confused over who that is right now so maybe not).. a doctor.. at school, there is a Time4U clinic thing..
I would rather avoid telling my parents first, because I'd like to be able to think the situation through and sort it out?, but I don't suppose that's really an option.
I just need to tell them.
But how?
Argh.

Thankyou, again, for replying.
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Old March 4th, 2009, 01:15 PM   #8
IAMSAM
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Default Re: I don't know what's wrong with me..

Glad you found my response helpful. Often, we get so accustomed to how we see things and how we feel that it all becomes 'normal' for us. But, in your case, you shouldn't confuse 'normal' for 'good', but rather what you're accustomed to. Yours is certainly not a good thing that you should accept as OK!

The way to tell *whoever* you choose is to find time when both you and them are not rushed, when there's nothing on the other side of the convo that you have to go to or attend to, and tell them that you're really unhappy. You'd be surprised how easily the words will slip out of you once you get started. Just find the time when there's no other time pressures on you (or them) to do it.
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Old March 4th, 2009, 03:58 PM   #9
sparkmuffin
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Default Re: I don't know what's wrong with me..

Quote:
Originally Posted by IAMSAM View Post
Glad you found my response helpful. Often, we get so accustomed to how we see things and how we feel that it all becomes 'normal' for us. But, in your case, you shouldn't confuse 'normal' for 'good', but rather what you're accustomed to. Yours is certainly not a good thing that you should accept as OK!

The way to tell *whoever* you choose is to find time when both you and them are not rushed, when there's nothing on the other side of the convo that you have to go to or attend to, and tell them that you're really unhappy. You'd be surprised how easily the words will slip out of you once you get started. Just find the time when there's no other time pressures on you (or them) to do it.

That sounds good.. I usually tend to talk to people when there isn't enough time to say much.. I need to get that right.

Thankyou, again! I really appreciate everything you've said.
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Old March 6th, 2009, 06:16 PM   #10
fizzy_lemonade
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Default Re: I don't know what's wrong with me..

*hugs*
i know how it feels to just loose the ability to concentrate on school stuff, and be terrified of what will happen if you tell an adult.

hope you find the courage to tell an adult and get help =]

xx
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