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Old April 27th, 2006, 09:43 PM   #1
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Join Date: April 27, 2006
Default I Don't Know Myself...

I've been lying to myself for the past 7 years, saying I would be an idol, someone special. I thought I had a purpose in life, a unique one. Now comes the question, why did I think that?

My control over my personal emotions was astounding, as my doctor said. He called me a phenomenon, as I could control myself as much as needed, so much mental vision in me, so much understanding.

Now, my issue.

I fooled myself. I suffered terrible losses, and thought I would live. I was a madman, in a school of hell. The school, basically, my problem was with racist idiots. These idiots had turned the whole school practically into a racist zone. They used to piss me off for being different. They took my glasses and dumped them down the toilet. My schoolbooks, ripped into shreds. It was madness, encircling me, feeding me, gnawing at me.

Sometimes, I would be thrust into furiating rage, as if everything could be solved by crushing someone's bones. And sometimes I would be so calm, as if every detail in life had an understanding.

It's as if everything could be taken from me, and I wouldn't care. For those 5 seconds of anger, a brick wall of anger would sprout dividing justice from hate.

And now, I'm scared of not anyone else, but myself. I'm scared about not being able to think when fury takes me over. It's a fear of losing yourself, your mind.
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Old April 27th, 2006, 10:39 PM   #2
Zatch Bell
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Join Date: April 27, 2006
Location: Canada
Age: 26
Default Re: I Don't Know Myself...

You do have a purpose in life buddy, you shouldn't be scared of yourself. Those bullies/racist jerks are just covering up their problems by effecting someone elses problems. Don't let them get to you, I'm sure lots of people care about you at school, at home, anywhere. Whenever they make you enraged with anger, just think. Why are they doing this? Because they have issues themselves. You never did anything to them, so why should you pay the price? I know I hate this as much as any other teen, but you should tell an adult immediately if you haven't already. Things like that could drive people to their suicide, and I'd hate to have someone die over a bunch of racist jerks. If you really want help, go hunting, shoot a gun, release your anger out on a tree, the river, whatever. Don't let that anger build up inside, or you might have a nervous breakdown. I will say this only once, try turning it against them, whenever I have a bully pick on me I always turn the tables. Ask them what their problem is, what's so bad that they would pick on you. What was so damn horrible that they would have to hurt someone else? Don't let fury stay inside you. let it out at the people you despise in a non-violent way. Good luck buddy, I hope you work this all out.

Late Blumer Organization (LBO)

Cowards, they hide behind their words,
Don't care if feelings will get hurt,
Their eyes are blinded by their rage,
Beware the voice without a face!
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Old June 22nd, 2006, 02:55 PM   #3
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Join Date: June 21, 2006
Location: We're all everything...
Age: 26
Default Re: I Don't Know Myself...

If you're having problems, that's every reason to be great! You don't think Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. had racial problems? When you're faced with a challenge, you should try to overcome them. Show them you're the more mature and purposful one like we all know you are. Besides, what does it matter if those pricks don't like you anyways? You are the stronger one, you just let them make you think otherwise, and they see it too.
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