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Old May 25th, 2011, 02:19 PM   #1
BrokenXPaperXDolls
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Name: paula
Join Date: February 12, 2011
Gender: Female
Default Help!

So we had eating disorder people round my house today, not because of me, what happened was that a few years ago i got an ED then when i had recoverd my twin sister got one to. yep i resorted to self harm and have also attempted suicide. my twins ED was blamed on me and when i was in the worst of my ED my twim would always call me a phsyco bitch and tell me i was crazy as well as hit me lots. unfortuantly instead of coming to an undertsnding when she develped and ED she took it out on me, so did my parents. i wont go into detail no worries, anyway today the whole thing was like an attack on me and even though its supposed to be "family" therapy i seem to always become the focuse. basicly my parents spent the whole time complaing that they had no free time and that my problems were coming back and my twin sat there saying that i was the one who need help as i was the phsyco one who like to "cut herself up" as she says. that how they all refere to my problems with self harm and stuff. iv had years of my parents complaing about how they had to get the kids with problems and always saying why cant we be normal like other kids. sorry im rambling anyway today at the meeting with the people who came it was decided that they were going to have me weighed everynow and then, iv told them all how much i hate being weighed as straight after the weighing i have like a few days of binging and purging then the rest of the time starving myself. i mean iv been eating what i have been given and now they acuse me of losing weight and bringing back problems to the family. why can they see that im not thin im fat and disgustingly fat and they know what being weighed does to me wich is why it was stopped in the first place. as soon as i knew what was going to happen i protested saying that i wasnt underwieght and im not and i know that and anyway these meeting are suposed to be about helping my twin with her recovery in her ED yet they all start hassling me. i feel so fat and horrible right now and i cant stop crying and i feel like im braking down. i feel so sick and i just want all of this fat gone and i realy dont want to have to see how much i weigh and i cant stop obsessing about this. I take anti-depressents but they dont help as there supposed to help stop me obsessing over food. god i want to rip of all this fat and i can feel it all over me and its so horibble and i dont know what to do. this is all to much and i just want everything to stop and i hate this i realy do. im always being called selfish and all these "phsycologists" think i try to bring attention onto myself and am a stubborn bitch but im not, i didnt try to kill my self out of "spite" like my phsycologist say and the only thing i was realy thinking around the time i attempted suicide was "im going to die fat". arghhh i cant let them weigh me and i cant handle all this why cant they just leave me alone. sorry for the rant im just stuck and i feel like i cant get out of this mess and i just want everything to stop. god i cant stop crying and i need to purge and i need all this food out of me before it makes me fatter and i just want this all to stop. sorry for ranting
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