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Old July 4th, 2006, 12:48 AM   #1
BP_Saladin
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Join Date: July 1, 2006
Location: Outside the bounds of sanity
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Default Don't know what to do

I have no one who can support me. I have no job. I have a meager work history (i.e. the chances of me getting a decent job are slim to none), and my disability not only puts me in pain for day to day tasks, but also wastes away at my body. I never had much of a childhood, and what little social life i've been managing to rummage up keeps falling apart.

What the fuck am I supposed to do? Find some shitty ass job so I can barely pay rent for the rest of my life while I'm in pain day in, day out, untill I become too weak to do even that? The pain just makes my depression worse; who needs a constant physical reminder that they're disabled? Being fit was everything to me, and now I'll never have it again. Everytime I rockclimb, kayak, hike, swim, whatever, I get a nice little reminder of what I once was.

My disability effects my face, too, so it makes me look constatly depressed/ disinterested, so I automatically have a strike against me trying to go into retail; no one wants to by from someone who can't smile.

All told, I can't find a job, and my friend who offered to move in to help me out until I find a job guils me over it every chance he gets, not to mention the arrogant/ignorant bastard always got on my nerves anyways. I feel awful for taking so much from him, and he has the nerve to say to me "I can't support you much longer, or else I won't be able to save up for school." WELL THANKS A FUCKING LOT! Like I don't want to go to college! Like the only place I ever fit in wasn't school. FUCK! YOU!

The government doesn't want to help out, because in their perfect society, I should be able to find some sort of desk job. Oh, you mean one of those jobs that requires 3+ years experience or whatever, unca sam? I don't get scholorships for not having a family. I don't get help for my disability. I don't even have the money to get my medical marijuana card, and even if I did, jobs could still fire me for it if they wanted. I keep getting turned down for food stamps. What the fuck am I supposed to do?!

So I hide all this pain and all this worry because It's what i've always done - i don't know how to do anything else anymore - and cuz it's hard for me to show emotion anymore. No one wants to see that I'm hurting. They just want to see that I'm some pathetic fuck, and make fun of me for being so reserved. Or maybe because I worry so much. Or is it because I think too much. So they ostracize me. Great. That really helps.

I just wanna die, but i'm too poor to buy a gun, and too pussy to do it any other way
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Old July 4th, 2006, 12:55 AM   #2
BP_Saladin
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Default Re: Don't know what to do

I love how people I meet think I'm just exaggerating about my parents or my MD, too. Then something happens that makes them realise I *wasn't*, and they're all like "oh my god matt, I didn't really think that things could be that bad." It's so awesome how you guys don't believe me, don't trust me. I like how you just want to right me off as some kid who wants attention. Yeah, maybe I'm starting to feel sorry for myself, but that's better than the lifetime of feeling nothing like before.

I'm not even following what I'm writing anymore. . .

edit: I got pissed off and started puching walls, figuring, you know, since I can barely lift them how possible is it that I'll make a hole?

bye-bye security deposit.

edit2: I can't even do the things in the sticky. "You're just using me so you lay about feeling sorry for your self." "Art? Shouldn't you be looking for a job?" My friends don't trust me anymore, so how can I trust them? They accuse me of petty shit like cleaning stuff with their toothbrushes and then putting them back? What am I now, some sort of fucking monster?

Last edited by BP_Saladin; July 4th, 2006 at 01:05 AM.
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Old July 4th, 2006, 02:11 PM   #3
TheWizard
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Default Re: Don't know what to do

Wow you do have problem. I know how it is being handicapped. I'm mentally handicapped cause I'm a schizo, have a speech problem and lots of people make fun of me. But after reading your posts I realize how lucky I am.

Don't give up in looking for a job. If they don't hire you because your handicapped then you can sue the shit out of them and you will win hands down and collect lots of money from those prejusted ass holes.

Also, go to the college you want to go to and see the finacil aid office. They can get you grants (you don't have to pay grants back) and student loans. They can also get you a job at the college to help with the bills.

Hope this helps some.

PS: There are programs that work with handicapped people giving them an apartment and an allowance to live by. Call around and fine the nearest one to you. Also, the Americans with Disability Act protects you from discrimation so you don't have to put up with peoples crap.

Josh

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Old July 16th, 2006, 02:34 AM   #4
BP_Saladin
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Default Re: Don't know what to do

Wow. Did this not come across as a mental breakdown? Is that why only one person responded? All I was bitching about was how no one cares how rotten my cards were, not even my friends or family. Why not reach out? I puored my soul out when I was feeling weak, looking for support, and only one person out of 30 (view count - so it's not exact. meh) felt the compassion to be there for me? That's kind of rotten.

BUSHIDO IN ALL GIVEN TO YOU BY LIFE

Now you see why my MySpace name is "I think too much. . ."
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Old July 16th, 2006, 07:36 AM   #5
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Default Re: Don't know what to do

No body hates you don't worry. You need to find your goals and give 200% to reech then. And please don't kill your self.

"Only the most deluded of us could doubt the necessity of this war."
-John McCain
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Old July 16th, 2006, 08:22 AM   #6
Parasite
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Default Re: Don't know what to do

Bobby, that didn't help at all...lol
you never told us what your disability was. if it is soemthing that truely affects your work, you can get loans from the government....bladdy blah like josh said.
if your mountain climbing, you dont have it that bad dear.
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Old July 16th, 2006, 08:30 AM   #7
Bobby
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Default Re: Don't know what to do

I'm saying that when you have setbacks.. such a being handicapped you need to work harder than some others to reach your goal.

"Only the most deluded of us could doubt the necessity of this war."
-John McCain
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Old July 16th, 2006, 02:16 PM   #8
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Default Re: Don't know what to do

Quote:
Originally Posted by BP_Saladin
Wow. Did this not come across as a mental breakdown? Is that why only one person responded? All I was bitching about was how no one cares how rotten my cards were, not even my friends or family. Why not reach out? I puored my soul out when I was feeling weak, looking for support, and only one person out of 30 (view count - so it's not exact. meh) felt the compassion to be there for me? That's kind of rotten.

I think most people just didn't know what to say. Better they say nothing than saying something that would push you over the edge.

Believe me, I'm trying to get an apartment myself and will need a little help to pay the bills. I don't have a job but I'm a pretty good artist. The government has programs for people like me and you. Don't waste them, make them pay for your way cause thats what the programs are designed for.

Besides, the government will collect taxes from you for the rest of your life so its not a hand out.

Josh

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Old July 16th, 2006, 06:05 PM   #9
BP_Saladin
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Default Re: Don't know what to do

I have muscular dystophy. Muscles grow by being depleted when whe use them, then growing back stronger when we rest (this is how we work out). Basically at random periods my body will stop producing a certain protein that muscles use to develop, so any activity in that period of time won't grow back, or if it does, not to the point it was before, at random. On top of that, even when I'm not in one of those periods, my body will make said protein at a lower level than normal.

Let me show you why, at least to me, it's bad. Because of the ways my muscles arent supporting my skeletal tructure, my shoulders are starting to wing in and permenantly be hunched, I've got all kinds of back and neck problems, and I can't lift my arms past an 80 degree angle; I have to literally trown my arms if I want to reach higher than that. The skeletal changes limit my lung capacity to, simulating the effects of athsma. I don't remember anymore a single time I didn't feel pain (not counting since I started properly medicating). After a day of regular activity (ie walking standing day to day stuff) the pain is to the point that I can't get it out of my thoughts. Now when I actually do stuff, like work, sports, youthful outdoors stuff, etc. the pain can bring tears to my eyes. Even at my most relexed and comfortable, I'm still in mild pain. Let me tell you something about chronic pain: it never goes away, and it never stops being unpleasent; you just lose the energy to protest anymore.

On top of this, consider that for me it isn't a question of if I'll drool and not be able to talk when I'm older, it's a question of when. It's not a question of if I won't be able to walk, but when I won't be able to walk. Not a question of if I'll not be able to hold my children, but when I'll not be able to hold my children. The only way that I've been able to not be plagued with this (self-inflicted) torment is to ignore entirely that I'm handicapped. How can I do that, though, if the pain invades my thoughts, and I have the constant reminder of all these other physical limitations?

BUSHIDO IN ALL GIVEN TO YOU BY LIFE

Now you see why my MySpace name is "I think too much. . ."
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Old July 16th, 2006, 07:09 PM   #10
Parasite
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Default Re: Don't know what to do

I'm horribly sorry.
is there anythign you can do to get help?
where are your parents?
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Old July 16th, 2006, 10:15 PM   #11
BP_Saladin
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Default Re: Don't know what to do

I was abused by my parents, and when I was 15, I finally fought back against my dad. A lot of shit was building up, and I just didn't feel like taking it, so like I said I fought back, but my mom called the cops on me. Because I'd never reported the abuse, by "self-defense" plea of I could tell my dad was abou to beat me didn't apply because as far as the law was concerned, I've never been abused. Oregon is pretty poor, so I spent a lot of time in jail 'cuz there were no other facilities to hold me, and then I spent the rest of high school in a homeless shelter.

I was on probation for the assault (misdemeanor), and one condition was to complete a program set up for me by the shelter, but to complete the program at the shelter, one of the conditions was to complete my probation. I was taking on a full honors courseload in my senior year (which included several college-credit classes), and I couldn't even do that much while living at the shelter (we had to do too many fucking group activities, and the rest of the people were homeless for good reason). Eventually I said "fuck it" and made plans to move in with a friend. I got brought in on a probation violation for this. My parents jumped on this and withdrew me from school a month before graduation to try and keep me from graduating, wrote incessant letters throughout the school district telling them how "horrible" of a kid I was, how I just manipulate everyone, and about my probation violation. Of course that didn't work, cuz there was nothing wrong with me and everyone knew it, so we all pitched together to get me graduated early (my parents even had the nerve to go to my graduation, the one they tried so hard to prevent!).

Then my mom started pleading to the court that they jail me for the maximum length for a probation violation. That was easily the scariest day of my life, sitting in that courtroom. I had declined my right to council 'cuz the lawer they gave me dropped the ball on the self-defense thing, so I was scared as shit and completely outta my league. Turns out though that we got the exact same judge who took my sister away from my mom, so she saw right through her. My mom even started yelling at the judge at the hearing! In the end the judge emancipated me. My mom was pissed, so she sold everything that they hadn't brought to me at the shelter (including the car I bought with MY money), and tried to get to the shelter and take all of my belongings there (including the computer I saved up and bought with MY money while I was HOMELESS), but the people at the shelter stood up for me and made her go away.

Then, once I moved in with that friend, they stalked me down, and showed up on the front lawn, arguing with my friends mom about how horrible I was, and how I was going to "kill her sons in their sleep and rape her daughters." All of this was very vocal across the street from an elementary school that my friends mom taught at AND a park full of little kids for 3 hours, and my mom called me in to the cops as a runaway twice just to freak me out (they liked to do that for shits and giggles when I was in HS, cuz then they'd hold me overnight, even though I was going to school and getting my shit done.) They also started sending letters throughout the school district saying that the lady who I was staying with was "harboring a runaway" trying to get her fired. It almost worked too.

I barely remember life before 15, so I could've just been exxagerating my home life to myself, but after seeing all the stuff my parents did after that point in my life, I can't go back to them, no matter how hard things get for me.

As for my MD, if I want to get government aid the first thing I need to do is come to terms with having a disability. I'd need to be fully willing to embrace it to get any sort of aid. Right now I'm too proud to admit to it, so I push myself beyond my limits constantly. If I were to actually start limiting myself, then I'd qualify much easier for state aid, but that's a pretty big psychological hurdle for me to get over.

BUSHIDO IN ALL GIVEN TO YOU BY LIFE

Now you see why my MySpace name is "I think too much. . ."
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