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Old October 6th, 2008, 09:09 PM   #861
Attax
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That made me lol!


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Old October 7th, 2008, 04:19 PM   #862
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Default Re: Jokes and Riddles

Have we had the 'Voodoo Dick' one yet? If not 'tis below


So, a man has to go away on holiday and doesn't want his wife to 'mess around' ith anyone while he is away. He goes to a sex shop and starts looking around. Not being very familiar with female sex toys, he asks the shop owner what she thinks about a blow up doll. She replies, saying it's a bit boring and still quite similar to cheating. She pulls him closer and says she has one very special toy, but you have to be very careful with it. She reaches under the desk and pulls out a plain white box, with clear black writing, which reads 'Voodoo Dick'.
He says what's so special about it? She takes it out of the box, it looks like a wooden dildo. Then she says, very carefully 'Voodoo Dick, the door knob' fast as hell, this dildo races across the room and starts f**king the hell out of the door knob! Within seconds, the door handle's become loose and the ladie says 'Voodoo Dick, stop'.
'That's astounding!' he exclaims, before throwing $50 onto the table. As soon as he gets home he tells his wife about the dildo. 'Whatever you want it to f**k you say, after "Voodoo Dick"!' He then leaves for his holiday. While he's away, his wife enjoys the new toy.
'Voodoo Dick, my vagina' the dildo zooms towards her, and she starts feeling the pleasure right away. After 6 orgasms, she's exhausted and tries to pull the dildo out. No success. She gets in the car and drives as fast as she can to the hospital.
She's got the dildo viciously thrusting, so she can't drive properly. Of course, she gets pulled over by a copper. After she tries to explain, he sniggers and says 'Voodoo Dick, my arse!'.

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Old October 7th, 2008, 04:22 PM   #863
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Default Re: Jokes and Riddles

that took me a minute

but HAHAHA nice laura

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Old October 7th, 2008, 04:25 PM   #864
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Default Re: Jokes and Riddles

I saw that one before... but it was still funny.
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Old October 7th, 2008, 04:59 PM   #865
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haha that is funny

ok i got one
so there are 3 men, one is Chinese one is Japanese and the other is a dumb guy
they work at a construction site and are hungry so they open up there lunch boxes
the Chinese guy open's up his lunchbox and sees spaghetti he says "eww i hate spaghetti, if i get spaghetti one more time im goin to jup off of this building"
then the Japanese guy open's up his lunchbox and sees sushi he says "eww i hate sushi, if i get sushi one more time i will jump off of this building"
then the dumb guy open's up hi lunchbox and sees a bologna sandwich and says "eww i hate bologna, if i get it one more time i will jump of of this building
sure enough they all get what they hate so they jump off of the building
at they guys funerals latter that day
the Chinese guys mom said " well if he told me he did not like spaghetti i wouldn't have packet it for him"
then the Japanese guys mom said "well if he told me he did not like sushi i wouldn't have packed it for him"
at the dumb guys funeral his mom said "i dont know what to say, he packed his own lunch"

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Old October 7th, 2008, 05:12 PM   #866
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lmao

nice. dumb guy there

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Old October 7th, 2008, 05:29 PM   #867
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Default Re: Jokes and Riddles

I heard the dumb blonde version of that joke. Funny.
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Old October 7th, 2008, 05:42 PM   #868
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ok i got another

there are 3 men on a plane
one is Chinese the other is Japanese and the other guy is going to war
so the Chinese guy is hungry so he looks in his lunchbox a sees an apple he says
"eww i hate apples" then throws it out the window
when he gets to the airport he sees a kid crying he says "why are you crying little kid"
the little kid says "i was walking and out of nowhere an apple falls out of the sky and bonks me one the head"
then the 2nd guy is hungry so he looks in his lunchbox and sees a pear he says "eww i hate pears" then throws out out of the window
when he gets to the airport he sees a little kid crying he says "why are you crying little kid"
then the little kid says "i was walking and out of nowhere a pear falls out of the sky and bonks my mom on the head"
then the guy that is going to war he has a bomb in his hand and by accident it falls
when he gates to the airport he sees a little kid laughing he says "why are you laughing little kid"
then the little kid says "because i farted and my house blew up"

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Old October 7th, 2008, 05:50 PM   #869
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lmao. nice. wherd'ya get these?

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Old October 7th, 2008, 05:52 PM   #870
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i have know idea i got them along time ago

and here is another

a blond was sat in a doctors waiting room crying her eyes out. a man walked over and said "whats the matter darlin" she replied, "its my..my mum...she died" so he sat there comforting her telling her she was in a better place. then the blondes mobile rang she answered it, "what oh mu gosh not you too, ohh thats terrible im so sorry" she put the phone down and burst in to tears again and the man said, "who was that?" she replied, "it was my sister...her mum died too"

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Last edited by DarkWingedAngel; October 7th, 2008 at 05:56 PM.
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Old October 8th, 2008, 10:56 AM   #871
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You may have heard this one, but it's funny:

A doctor is lecturing to some students. He has a dead body lying on the table, he says to the students, "Right, when being a doctor you must listen and concentrate on everything, you must also do things that are not...pleasant"
The doctor throws back the sheet covering the body and sticks his finger up the dead mans anus and licks his finger. He then says "Right, now you do it"
So all the students stick there finger up the man's anus and lick it. After they've all done it the doctor folds back the sheet and smiles at them.
"As i said, concentration and listenting skills" he holds up his index finger, "This is the finger i used up the man's anus," he holds up his middle finger, "But what you didn't notice is that i sucked this one"

It's pretty disgusting, but it's clever and i thought it was funny so...my bad.

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Old October 8th, 2008, 11:04 AM   #872
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Default Re: Jokes and Riddles

A little boy walks up to his mum, "mommy what's an orgasm?" "I don't know dear ask your father"

HA!

that was the beginning of a news article the other day

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Old October 8th, 2008, 02:26 PM   #873
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Default Re: Jokes and Riddles

Quote:
Originally Posted by Celeritas View Post
I heard the dumb blonde version of that joke. Funny.
Ditto

Quote:
Originally Posted by Requin View Post
You may have heard this one, but it's funny:
ETC
I first read that one with a cow's arse, instead of a dead body

GREAT JOKES GUYS.

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Old October 8th, 2008, 04:26 PM   #874
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Default Re: Jokes and Riddles

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she
was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?" "Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?" "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble." "I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had money left over, so now we're going to Sea World"

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Old October 8th, 2008, 06:09 PM   #875
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hahahahahaha that's funny

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Old October 13th, 2008, 05:38 AM   #876
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Default Re: Jokes and Riddles

not really a joke, but its funny. got sent to me in a text on my phone


newsflash!!!

aliens have invaded earth and are abducting all blokes with big dicks. don't worry, you're safe. i'm just texting to say goodbye...

stephen

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Old October 13th, 2008, 08:54 PM   #877
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Default Re: Jokes and Riddles

this made me crack up after i first read it. if youve never heard a newfie you may not get the humor in this.

the ten commandments in Newfinese:

1. Ders jus one Lard
2. ‘Onor yer Mudder ‘n Fadder
3. No tellin’ jigs ‘n yarns
4. Go on tad eh Sundee meetin b’y.
5. Dere’s nuttin befare deh ‘oly Lard
6. No foolin ‘round wit anudder buddy’s missus
7. No killin’
8. Mine yer mout' now
9. Never mind ‘bout which t’aint yers
10. Never mind ‘bout yer buddy’s stuff


try figuring that out without looking it up on the internet.


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Old October 13th, 2008, 08:58 PM   #878
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Haha!

Whats #7 tho?
o.O
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Old October 13th, 2008, 09:17 PM   #879
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i don't know. what could it possibly be? so hard to understand. not at all like #4.


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Old October 14th, 2008, 01:20 PM   #880
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Time for a classic.

There are two fish in a tank and one of them says to the other:
"How do you drive this thing?"

The Man with No Name
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