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Old June 13th, 2008, 02:56 PM   #701
Sugaree
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kitkat92 View Post
Lol my dad told me that ^^
Wot do u call a clever blonde?
A labrador
What happens when one blond blows air into another blonds ear?

Data Transfer


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Old June 13th, 2008, 03:17 PM   #702
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What? lol i don't get it O.O
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Old June 13th, 2008, 03:18 PM   #703
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The only "data" in the blonde's head is air.. i.e. the blond has no brain, she's an "airhead"...

~Adam~
I'm way too high (too high too high)
To be feeling this dry and low
I'm way too tired, I've tried
I'm fired up and ready to roll
Lets go
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Old June 13th, 2008, 03:36 PM   #704
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How do u make a blonde laugth on a friday?
Tell her a joke on monday.

Underground_Network is my penguin.
japanman is my son.
[crazy]girl, cslag, kerry, walkin_contradiction and essasteph are my sisters.
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Old June 13th, 2008, 04:51 PM   #705
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What does a blond say when you fill her head with air?

"Thanks for the top off!"


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Old June 14th, 2008, 09:27 PM   #706
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i heard this joke in church today from the preacher. it was so bad i laughed.

there were 2 pastors in the middle of a road holding signs that said "the end is near, turn back!" one driver got rather annoyed that the pastors were holding up these signs and pulled up next to them and said "stop preaching your crap to me!" he then drove off past them. all of a sudden there was huge screech of tyres and a splash. then one pastor turned to the other and said "i told you we should have simply put bridge closed, turn back."

stephen

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Old June 14th, 2008, 09:33 PM   #707
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This guy goes to a super market and goes to isle 12 and asks for a box of condoms.

The lady askes "what size" and the guy says "I don't know" so the lady askes him to pull down his pants.

The lady tugs a few times and says "you need a box of x-large condoms".

So this guy hears behind him and he asks for a box of condom's, and the lady says "what size" and the guy says I don't know.

So the lady asks him to pull down his pants.

The lady tugs a few time and says "get a box of medium condoms"

So this teenager in isle 11 hears and wants some of the action.

So he goes to isle 12 and asks "can I have a box of condoms"

The lady asks "what size" and the teenage says "I don't know"

So the lady asks him to pull down his pants .

When he does, the lady tugs a few times, stands up and announces "Clean up in isle 12"


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Old June 18th, 2008, 10:02 PM   #708
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A man and his wife are at a flea market one day and they decide to buy a mirror that the seller said was magical. They hang the mirror on the bathroom door and go on about their business. The husband loved his wife but he always teases her about her breast size by calling her flat chest and other mean things, so one day the wife goes to the mirror in the bathroom and says, "Mirror, mirror on the door make me a size 44," and her breasts grew. Surprised, she went to her husband and showed him and he asked her where did she get them. She told him about the mirror and he went in and said, "Mirror, mirror on the door make my johnson touch the floor," and his legs fell off.

The moral of the story is to be careful what you wish for.
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Old June 19th, 2008, 07:49 PM   #709
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chocolate easter bunnies:

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Old June 20th, 2008, 02:09 AM   #710
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Miss America saw a sign saying "Wet Floor", and she did.

"[...] I mean the guy is an epic fuck-up. Hes so dense that light bends around him."
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Old June 20th, 2008, 06:57 AM   #711
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fourseasons View Post
i heard this joke in church today from the preacher. it was so bad i laughed.

there were 2 pastors in the middle of a road holding signs that said "the end is near, turn back!" one driver got rather annoyed that the pastors were holding up these signs and pulled up next to them and said "stop preaching your crap to me!" he then drove off past them. all of a sudden there was huge screech of tyres and a splash. then one pastor turned to the other and said "i told you we should have simply put bridge closed, turn back."
lol funny

well i got this joke from a text

i loved sucking on it


it was so long



it tasted so good


i love i licking it



i loved playing with it



i loved it when it was wet










damn i wish i didn't drop my ice cream pop

though bad didn't you
well thats all of the text =p

"When Life gives you lemons make grape juice then sit down and let the world wonder how you did it" [/FONT][/SIZE][/CENTER]
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I'm a pretty girl...
Have any questions come ask me
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Old June 20th, 2008, 06:29 PM   #712
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A cucumber, an olive and a penis are talking.

The cucumber says "I hate my life, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me in salad."

The olive says "That's nothing, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me on pizza."

The penis says "You think you have it bad, when I get big fat and juicy they put me in a bag, throw me in a cave, shut the door and leave me there till I throw up"


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Hello again VirtualTeen. you blackhole.

No tears to cry
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Old June 25th, 2008, 06:37 PM   #713
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What do you call a Robot's erection? Roboner


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Hello again VirtualTeen. you blackhole.

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Old June 25th, 2008, 06:41 PM   #714
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She lay on the earth in the meadow, her naked form basking in the pale morning light. She felt content, feeling the cold droplets of dew on the grass chilling her warm skin. She took a moment to admire her nude body, the voluptuous curves that would drive any male mad glowing in the sun. Glad to be rid of her coverings as a cool breeze rippled across her body raising goosebumps. She gazed over at him, a handsome man, the farmers younger son. It had been her first time, and she had trembled with anxious anticipation as he reached out his calloused hands to her body. She recalled his eager hands, seemingly filled with the inexperience and vigour of youth take hold of her in a confident and well practised manner. She had relaxed, realising he knew how to handle her body. He had been slow, gentle and patient and she had enjoyed every minute of it.

Molly the sheep couldnt wait til next shearing season

Underground_Network is my penguin.
japanman is my son.
[crazy]girl, cslag, kerry, walkin_contradiction and essasteph are my sisters.
japanman is my brother.
fourseasons is my cousin.
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Old June 25th, 2008, 06:56 PM   #715
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I just wanted to know was this joke told

So theres a cock and a cat at a pond. The cock spots a worm inching away in front of the water. So He fluffs his feathers and jump ands catches the worm. After that catch the cock was happy and went to sit under the tree. The cat figured "hell if he can do it I can" So he spots a mouse scurring near the water. So he raises his tail and pounces only to miss the mouse entirely and end up in the pond. Moral of the story? Where theres a satasfied cock theres a wet pussy

Drop Acid, Not Bombs.
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Old June 26th, 2008, 08:38 AM   #716
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A man walked into a tattoo parlor, he then asked the tattoo artist that he wants a tattoo of a 20 dollar bill.
The artist said, "Well, where do you want that tattoo?"
He then replied, "On my penis."
"On your penis!! Why would you want it there?" The artist replied baffled
"Well it's simple really. So I can watch my money grow." He replied hapily.


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Old June 29th, 2008, 12:36 AM   #717
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my sister just told me this one:

person a: did you hear about the hollywood actress that got stabbed?

person b: no!

person a: oh, it was reece, reece ummm

person b: witherspoon

person a: no, it was with a knife!

stephen

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Old July 2nd, 2008, 05:05 AM   #718
kitkat92
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BLONDE ON A BUS

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. the brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!'

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered... 'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!?!'

Blonde LOGIC

Two blondes living in Townsville were sitting on a bench talking and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away, Melbourne or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can
You see Melbourne ...?????"


CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"


SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"


RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts,
"How can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."


AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken"


BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The
Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the
Sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said
The Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"


BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"

BLONDE SWIMIMNG

There once was a red head, a brunette, and a blond. All three of them were stuck on an island and the only way to safety was to swim. The red head went first, she same half the way to safety and drowned. The brunette also swam half way and drowned. The blond, was all by herself so she thought she'd have a go to try and make it to safety. Although she couldn't swim, she tried.

She swam three quarters of the way to safety, but she got tired, so she swam back.....

BLONDE MAIL

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'
To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'
(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)




"My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'

BLONDE PAINTING

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Underground_Network is my penguin.
japanman is my son.
[crazy]girl, cslag, kerry, walkin_contradiction and essasteph are my sisters.
japanman is my brother.
fourseasons is my cousin.
If anyone ever needs someone to talk to PM me

Last edited by kitkat92; July 2nd, 2008 at 05:25 AM.
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Old July 2nd, 2008, 06:13 AM   #719
The Resurrected One
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Default Re: Jokes and Riddles

lol, those are great!
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Old July 2nd, 2008, 06:28 AM   #720
kitkat92
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I love blonde jokes =)

Why are blondes only allowed 30 minute lunch breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them if they take an hour.

What does a blonde say after her doctor tells her that she's pregnant.
Is it mine?

How do you make a blonde laugh on a Saturday?
Tell her a joke on a Wednesday.

Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
You can park in the handicapped spots.

What is the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent blonde?
There have actually been sightings of Bigfoot.

What is it called when a blonde dyes her hair brown?
Artificial Intelligence!!

What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch? A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes

Golf Balls
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to of all people a beautiful, you guessed it, blonde. The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
Never-the-less, the blonde continued to look at him thought-fully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"


Parked Car
Norman and his blonde wife live in Calgary. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says "We are expecting 10 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must par-" then the electric power goes out.
Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplow can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

Jumpers
A police officer arrives at an accident scene where apparently three blondes have leaped to their death from a very tall building.
Suddenly, the officer notices that one is still breathing so he approaches her and asks, "Why did you three beautiful girls leap out of that building?"
The blonde answers in a very weak voice, "We wanted to try out our new maxi-pads, with wings..."

Dummy
A ventriloquist is touring clubs in Florida. With his dummy on his knees, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the audience stands on her chair and shouts, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and from reaching our full potential!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist starts to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little [email protected] sitting on your knee!"

Underground_Network is my penguin.
japanman is my son.
[crazy]girl, cslag, kerry, walkin_contradiction and essasteph are my sisters.
japanman is my brother.
fourseasons is my cousin.
If anyone ever needs someone to talk to PM me
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