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Old December 8th, 2014, 03:09 AM   #1
Sholgoni
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Join Date: December 8, 2014
Location: United States
Gender: Male
Angry All I can think about is killing people. I'm pretty sure I need help.

Yes, that's right your reading the title correctly. Every day i feel sick to my stomach and hate myself. I use to be a great kid with a good future ahead of me getting nearly straight A's in school, being involved in groups and sports, and having my friends and others I didn't even know adore me. I was a true prodestant in a perfect world. It felt almost out of a fairy tale. It all went away though when I went to middle school. I was forced to move to a completely different area where I knew know one and know one knew me. In the beginning I managed to make a few friends but not nearly as many as I had. I handled it pretty well for my first few months; hell, it was actually pretty fun. But it all changed when a few kids noticed how weak and innocent I was. It's ironic how I always watched the movies about bully's and rejection. I always convinced myself it would never happen to me, but reality through it right in my face. Only half way into my 6th grade year and I had lost most of my friends and bullied almost every day. It was ridiculously overwhelming. I would ask God every day for blessing and sanction from the bullying. But it never upheld. I was bullied the rest of the year to the point where I had a knife at my throat. I wanted to kill myself but I never had the strength to do it. It's as if a demon in my body wouldnt let me do it. It may be hard to believe, but I physically couldn't do it. Something dark in me wanted me to suffer more and continue to live, and so I did. Throughout all of seventh I was ignored; not bullied but completely ignored by everyone. Then, the worst year of all came; eighth grade. By this year my parents forced me to join a school sport in order to be social again, but it only made things worse. I didn't score one point and was made fun of by almost everyone in the school. Shit, even girls were fucking talking shit to my face. I was a pussy. That was the longest school year of my life, and most painful. Then, my freshman year I was bullied again by varsity football players. I continue to ask myself to tis day why a varsity football player would want to do anything to me. I still don't know why. They even asked me one day if I wanted to fight them to make them stop, and of course I said no. It's not like the movies, this is reality. I had to find that out the hard way. Now I'm a softmore and I'm alone. I've lost almost every friend I have. I sit in my room evey night alone, with nothing but my gaming computer, phone, and depressed personality. Know one bully's me now, but I'm back to the being ignored stage. I know there's good people in the world, but there's a lot more bad. I'm in the fatal now, alone and angry. Not only at them, but at the world. They may have bullied me, but the others who just stood by and watched it happen are just as guilty. If I couldn't get sympathy not help for my problems then why should any of the others get sympathy either. All last summer I learned for the first time what true evil is as I layed in the dark on my laptop watching the attrocities of the horrific Darknet. I've seen things the average cerial killer couldn't Phaethom. The strong prey upon the weak in this world, which has brought upon me great insight on how to cure our problems. Let this not be only request for help, but also a message. Don't let others suffer what I had to go through. I do know have terrible misconceptions filling my head and need help. I don't know if this is a mental issue at hand or a physopathic demon inside me. But it's not the old me. I'm now dark and plan out conspiracies. I do think about killing people, but not in normals ways. BTK has entrapped me for a while now. I don't plan on actually killing anyone, but the conspiracies are seemingly more realistic then I last predicted. What can I do to stop this. Should I seek a therapist, physiatrist, or a mental health professional. I'm only fifteen, but I know that it's not normal to think about killing, torturing, and mutilating others every day. They didn't mention that in the health books.
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Old December 8th, 2014, 10:00 AM   #2
omgwuut
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Name: gee
Join Date: November 15, 2014
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Default Re: All I can think about is killing people. I'm pretty sure I need help.

i truly feel sorry for you. back when I was highschool, i was bullied too just because they knew I wouldn't fight back. backstabber friends, ignored by everyone, making fun of me just because they want some entertainment and oh after school, my family doesn't helped me because they are too busy fighting with each other. I was really traumatized by that experience that even now, I'm still moving on. Because of it, I think of suicide most of the time(drinking sleeping pills whatever, cutting myself, hurting myself but was always stopped) . I even tried to hurt people because I want others to experience what happened to me. So i knew what you're feeling right now but you know a problem cannot be solved by another problem. I knew it's really hard to forgive others and yourself but It's a thousand times better than think ill of others. The best revenge to other people is success and happiness Instead of focusing on the negative part of your life, why not focus on something you're good at? you told that you used to be good at almost everything, so it's possible that you could be even better than before.
killing others is never a solution. I suggest you kill that demon inside you because I knew that you're so much more than that goodluck!

Suffer now, enjoy later.
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