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Old October 23rd, 2009, 09:04 PM   #1
FallenAngel
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Name: Becca
Join Date: October 16, 2009
Location: UK, South East
Age: 26
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Default I just dunno anymore =/

I try so hard to be happy, yet nothing ever goes right in my life...
- my parents divorced and i blame myself
- now tht they're seperated they both dnt wnt me to see the other one and when i do they get mad at me!! =/
- my brothers thinks im a lazy selfish loser....
- i have all these mental issues which none of my family and most of friends dnt seem to care about.
- hardly any of my friends talk to me anymore
- my mum chose her new boyfriend over me when we got into arguements..... she blamed me for almost everything.... and shes replaced me and my brother with her boyfriends kids...
- before my parents divorced there were years and years of arguements, drunken fights, domestic violence
- so many ppl have left me and abused or used me in my life and it must be something to do with me..... maybe im just a worthless person
- the truth is im just a pathetic, worthless, useless, weakling.... who doesnt
deserve to be happy
- my dad thinks im lazy and pathetic and has threatened to throw me on the street unless i get a job soon
- im trying to get a job but nothings ever good enough
- my brother all tells my dad all the bad things about to get me into trouble
- i thought friends and family were meant to stick by each other and care about each other.... but apparently tht was just a lie.
- this isnt even half of whats happened in my life..... so much other things has happened tht just makes me feel like life isnt worth living!!

And i rly dnt wna seem like im complaining about my life, and saying tht ive had it so bad cos i know tht there are ppl who have had it far worse then i have, and they truly must be amazing to cope with all the hardships of their life... but im not, and i just needed to get this all out.
I have so much to talk about.... but wont say anymore cos i know how boring all this is.... and im sorry for boring any1, or i dunno... im just sorry!!....
I dont wna be a weakling and i wish i could be happy, but i dnt rly see that happening.

Just makes me think that maybe i should just say goodbye to my life now, before things get any worse.

i dunno wot to do anymore....... suicide seems like quite a gd option at the moment.......... i just dnt know anymore

♫♪Don't let them say you aint beautiful, they can all get fucked just stay true to you♪♫
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Old October 23rd, 2009, 10:06 PM   #2
Discomposure
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Name: Amy
Join Date: July 25, 2009
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Default Re: I just dunno anymore =/

No, suicide does NOT seem like a good option at the moment. It's NEVER a good option. Yeah, at the moment you do have a lot going on, and I don't blame you for being so down. Are you speaking to a psychologist about all this? Of course you will be happy, it just seems like you won't at the moment. I know what you mean, you feel like your going to be like this forver, constantly living life feeling shit. It's not the case though. Thing do get better but you have got to make them better.
Right, I'm going to help as much as I can now.

- Why is it that you blame yourself for the divorce? You really shouldn't, I know it can be hard, parents splitting up. However you need to be able to realise it's not your relationship it's theirs, and if somethings not working with it or something happened between them then they are bound to not want to be together anymore. A big problem for us teens, is we get too involved in a divorce or break up, we take our parents problems on, and it's because we care, but you shouldn't blame yourself at all.

- From hearing you say that your parents get mad if you see the other annoys me. This is just childish, and you'll find parents can be VERY childish and not realise how it affects their children. So what you need to do, is keep yourself out the way when they get like this, ignore what they are saying or if you can't do that then sit them both down, seperatley or together, but i'd think seperatley, and let them know how they need to respect that you want to see both and it's really upsetting you that they get mad when you see the other.

- As for this one, try not to care what your brother thinks, you know your not and that's all that matters.

- Your family and friends may not seem to care about these problems your having, but I bet they do. Have you been diagnosed by a doctor for whatever you have? And are you getting treatment and/or help? If your not, i'd seriously consider getting it, people are there to help.

- About your mum getting a new boyfriend, and you feeling like she is choosing him over you, this must be horrible which is why you need to talk to someone about all what your feeling and going through, they will be able to help you through this. Try not to feel like your mum choses her boyfriend over you, you know she loves you so try to think of the positives.

- There seems to have been alot goingon before your parents were divorced and this has obviously stayed in your mind, memories of bad times. All I can advise here is to maybe sit down, and write down all the good times you had when your parents were together and try to over rule the bad times. The mind is a funny thing and works very strangely but we always seem to remember worse times than we do good times. So pick out all your good times, and try to focus on them.

- You are NOT a worthless person, at all. Nobody is worthless. You need to build up your lack of confidence in yourself. Pick out good things about yourself! Treat your self to something nice. This is why you do need to speak to someone, lack of self-confidence can cause you to not want to do things, which can lead to you getting nowhere.

- About your dad, he seems to be putting quite a bit of pressure on you about getting a job. This is obviously getting you down and upset, but you need to try to ignore him, focus on just getting a job.

- Getting a job can be hard, you have to keep putting your CV in places, going to interviews and picking yourself back up if you don't get the job. It takes time getting a job, but you will get one eventually just keep trying.

- Your brother is just being childish, it's what siblings do. However it's adding to the pressure your under. If he is old enough to understand and you have a good enough relationship to do so then talk to him, tell him your going through alot, and he's really adding to the pressure.

Have you considered moving in with a different family member, like a grandparent, aunt or uncle? It just seems like there is so much pressure your under and getting out of the house may help.

Your life IS worth living, your NOT worthless and you CAN get through this. If I were you, I would really, seriously consider getting some professional help, (well I do get it!) A counsellor to talk to would be good. A problem shared is a problem halved!

Hope I helped, sorry it's long but I really don't like people feeling suicidal. I've been there, I know what it's like.
If there's anything else I can do, just PM me

“Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.”

Last edited by Discomposure; October 23rd, 2009 at 10:10 PM.
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Old October 23rd, 2009, 11:35 PM   #3
FallenAngel
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Name: Becca
Join Date: October 16, 2009
Location: UK, South East
Age: 26
Gender: Female
Default Re: I just dunno anymore =/

Quote:
Originally Posted by HoldOn. View Post
No, suicide does NOT seem like a good option at the moment. It's NEVER a good option. Yeah, at the moment you do have a lot going on, and I don't blame you for being so down. Are you speaking to a psychologist about all this? Of course you will be happy, it just seems like you won't at the moment. I know what you mean, you feel like your going to be like this forver, constantly living life feeling shit. It's not the case though. Thing do get better but you have got to make them better.
Right, I'm going to help as much as I can now.

- Why is it that you blame yourself for the divorce? You really shouldn't, I know it can be hard, parents splitting up. However you need to be able to realise it's not your relationship it's theirs, and if somethings not working with it or something happened between them then they are bound to not want to be together anymore. A big problem for us teens, is we get too involved in a divorce or break up, we take our parents problems on, and it's because we care, but you shouldn't blame yourself at all.

- From hearing you say that your parents get mad if you see the other annoys me. This is just childish, and you'll find parents can be VERY childish and not realise how it affects their children. So what you need to do, is keep yourself out the way when they get like this, ignore what they are saying or if you can't do that then sit them both down, seperatley or together, but i'd think seperatley, and let them know how they need to respect that you want to see both and it's really upsetting you that they get mad when you see the other.

- As for this one, try not to care what your brother thinks, you know your not and that's all that matters.

- Your family and friends may not seem to care about these problems your having, but I bet they do. Have you been diagnosed by a doctor for whatever you have? And are you getting treatment and/or help? If your not, i'd seriously consider getting it, people are there to help.

- About your mum getting a new boyfriend, and you feeling like she is choosing him over you, this must be horrible which is why you need to talk to someone about all what your feeling and going through, they will be able to help you through this. Try not to feel like your mum choses her boyfriend over you, you know she loves you so try to think of the positives.

- There seems to have been alot goingon before your parents were divorced and this has obviously stayed in your mind, memories of bad times. All I can advise here is to maybe sit down, and write down all the good times you had when your parents were together and try to over rule the bad times. The mind is a funny thing and works very strangely but we always seem to remember worse times than we do good times. So pick out all your good times, and try to focus on them.

- You are NOT a worthless person, at all. Nobody is worthless. You need to build up your lack of confidence in yourself. Pick out good things about yourself! Treat your self to something nice. This is why you do need to speak to someone, lack of self-confidence can cause you to not want to do things, which can lead to you getting nowhere.

- About your dad, he seems to be putting quite a bit of pressure on you about getting a job. This is obviously getting you down and upset, but you need to try to ignore him, focus on just getting a job.

- Getting a job can be hard, you have to keep putting your CV in places, going to interviews and picking yourself back up if you don't get the job. It takes time getting a job, but you will get one eventually just keep trying.

- Your brother is just being childish, it's what siblings do. However it's adding to the pressure your under. If he is old enough to understand and you have a good enough relationship to do so then talk to him, tell him your going through alot, and he's really adding to the pressure.

Have you considered moving in with a different family member, like a grandparent, aunt or uncle? It just seems like there is so much pressure your under and getting out of the house may help.

Your life IS worth living, your NOT worthless and you CAN get through this. If I were you, I would really, seriously consider getting some professional help, (well I do get it!) A counsellor to talk to would be good. A problem shared is a problem halved!

Hope I helped, sorry it's long but I really don't like people feeling suicidal. I've been there, I know what it's like.
If there's anything else I can do, just PM me

ye i know suicide isn't a good idea, i just cant help thinking that i'll be better off dead =/
and nope at the moment im not talking to any1 about this... tho i think i need to.The problem is that i find it so hard to trust any1 that i dunno if i'll be able to tell them how i'm feeling...
and i dunno, i just dont see it getting any better... i think i'm destined to live a life of sorrow
I feel like i'm living in a nightmare and that i don't no who i am anymore =/
i hate the person i've become... and i just feel like my life has come to a full-stop, and i just dunno wot i wanna do with my life...

i blame myself for their divorce cos after all the arguements and fights they had, i should've done more to help them... instead i said that they'd probably be better off if they weren't together anymore!!... i didn't mean it, i was just angry and upset. And i don't think i really helped much, i must've caused them so much stress sometimes.... i had some issues back then... which i didn't realise till recently that it was an anxiety disorder.... and it made me scared of going to skl... so i used to take sooo many sick days and my mum would get so stressed out bcoz of it i know i probably made things worse for them.

Ye i know... they are being so childish, and it just causes me more stress...
but i cant really explain this to them cos no one knows about my mental issues apart from my closest friend. She is the only one i trust, she means so much to me!! She is so much like me, and suffers from the same problems i do.
Also they always talk about the other one in a negative way when im around, and they must realise that it affects me too.

ye i spose, but it bothers me cos me and him used to stand by each other when things got tough at home.... but now he's left me... just like everyone else has.

And to be honest my family lost contact with me after my parents divorce... they rarely talk to me anymore.... and no one in my family knows about my problems...
and since i moved house a few months ago hardly any of my m8s bother to stay in contact anymore...... i've lost so many people this year.
Basically when i broke up from my ex, a lot of m8s abandoned me and are now good m8s with him... he hurt me so much and he hurt my best m8 too.... i can never forgive him or my so called m8s who left me.... =/
also i moved out of my mums house after my brother was forced to move out by my mum and her bf..... i stayed for a few more weeks but things got unbearable... and me and my mums bf.... got into a lot of arguements... which started turning violent, so i decided to leave... and eventually after living with my dad and his girlfriend for a month, me and brother got a flat of our own.... and this is where i've been living for the past 3 months.
and the few m8s who do know about my problems, barely take any notice of me anymore..... only a few of them have remained true to me. But only my closest m8 really cares and she means the world to me.

And yeah i was diagnosed with depression this year, and 2 years ago i tried to commit suicide.... i've actually suffered with depression for 2 years now... and just started getting treatment a few months ago. The problem is i was finally getting issues solved with my doctor but bcos i've moved away, i have to change doctors which i still haven't done yet... and i've gotta hurry up cos i'm gonna need some more anti-depressants soon.
I also suffer from an anxiety disorder... and possibly have bipolar disorder.
Also i think i need to be on a higher dosage of anti-depressants cos they haven't had that much affect on me really.... =/
and ye i think i need to get a councellor/therapist to be honest, but like i said b4 i have trouble trusting people when it comes to revealing things about my feelings and stuff.

And ye it is horrible thinking that my mum has chosen him over me, but its happened.. she actually chose him over me in all the arguements and even when he got violent that one time. Plus she has replaced me with his kids... they're now sleeping in my room and my mum is playing happy families with them. to be honest if u knew my mum, then u would know that she doesn't really care about me or my brother and that's just the sad truth =/ if she does care about us then she hides it really well.

I remember once when i was sooo down and had so much issues going on that i wrote my mum a letter explaining my feelings and that i needed help. After she had read it she said she was happy that i had opened up about my feelings but then never did anything to help me with the issues... she just laughed it off and said i was being silly and over-reacting!!! =/
She never spoke to me about it again.....
And i have another memory of after i tried to commit suicide. She was told by the doctors that i was depressed and after i came home... she acted concerned for a while but after a few days she forgot about it..... and she acted like nothing had ever happened..... and to this day she has never spoken to me about it again.... =/
now that doesn't sound like a very caring person, does it?

And ye, my family did have a lot of rough times and issues before the divorce... and yep its true, the mind does seem to concentrate on the bad memories..... but i do remember some good times we had when we were truly happy.... but to be honest sometimes when i think about the happy times.... it just gets me really down cos i really miss how good things used to be back then. Even though things could be terrible at times, there were times when i was so happy and i really miss the happiness i used to feel when i was younger

Aww thnx, but i can't help but to think that i am a worthless person. Ive suffered from low self-confidence, and low self esteem for years now.... that i just don't believe in myself at all. I think i really need some therapy and stuff to help me... i just dunno where to start
And ye i know wot u mean... my low self confidence and depression has led to me not wanting to do anything.... i just lie in bed somedays.... but over the last 3 days i've started getting up earlier and trying to sort stuff out.... yet i'm always so down that i just don't have the energy or the motivation to do anything.

Ye my dad does put a lot of pressure on me... and not just about getting a job. Nothing i do is ever good enough for him, well that's how it feels anyway.
And ye i know, i've gotta concentrate on getting a job.
My brother also putting pressure on me to get a job, cos he's paying the rent for us at the moment and he gets so stressed.... and he takes it out on me... yet he doesn't understand that its not helping me.... he just makes me more stressed and down =/

And ye i know, i just hope i can get a job soon =/

Ye i know, but my brother should be mature enough to stop acting so childish... he's 19 and he acts like a child... he doesn't even understand how childish he acts sometimes.
To be honest i can't really talk to him about anything, so i dunno wot else i can do really.

Ye i've considered moving in with a friend for a while but its just not an option at the moment. If i move out then my brother will get annoyed and will probably replace me with someone who can pay rent... he threatened to do that before... quite recently actually. He said that he doesn't care if i don't have anywhere else to go, and that he needs someone who can pay the rent.
Also if i move out then my dad prob wont let me move back in.... i could try to stay at a m8s house for a few nights but it could make things worse for me when i get back =/

Hmmm, i just don't know anymore.... i just seem to think that life isn't worth living if im always gonna feel this way... and that's how it seems to me =/
And ye maybe, i dunno if i could talk to someone about my problems though =/ i just dont know anymore.

Ye thnx for the advice... u helped quite a bit, i just dno wot im gonna do though. And sure, i might PM ya sometime, or message me whenever u want.

Ive really gotta think about some things this weekend.... yet suicide is still on my mind... i just cant help it...

Thnx for your help. x[/B]

♫♪Don't let them say you aint beautiful, they can all get fucked just stay true to you♪♫

Last edited by FallenAngel; October 23rd, 2009 at 11:46 PM.
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Old October 24th, 2009, 11:42 AM   #4
Discomposure
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Default Re: I just dunno anymore =/

I'll PM you, it's getting like a conversation lol.

“Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.”
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