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Old April 7th, 2018, 08:50 PM   #1
Blashyrkh
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Default What are your toughts?~TRIGGER WARNING

I'm not sure where to start. There's a lot of things. I think i am going to start with something more recent. Then we will proceed from there. This one is about mirrors. When i stare at a mirror, i dont see myself anymore. Sometimes i see a handsome boy, and sometimes i see an ugly boy. They don't look like me. And they have something in similar. They are unpredictable. They stare into my eyes like they are planning to kill me. But i am not sure if one of them will really do it. I am scared even when writing about all these.
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Old April 7th, 2018, 08:56 PM   #2
drhalsey1
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Default Re: What are your toughts?

That sounds mostly like a sign of something in your head, might want to try finding a therapist or something to talk to, especially if you feel what you see could actually harm/kill you or lead to it
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Old April 9th, 2018, 05:30 PM   #3
Blashyrkh
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Default Re: What are your toughts?

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That sounds mostly like a sign of something in your head, might want to try finding a therapist or something to talk to, especially if you feel what you see could actually harm/kill you or lead to it
Going to therapy or talking to someone is not an option. That's why i am here. I know this is not an alternative. But i feel like writing here calms me down.

So about suicide and death. I am a materialist. I don't fear death. And i would actually like to end my life myself. Preferably by gunshot. But it's too early for that. I have a lot to do before i do that.

I think i am being watched. Everyone i know somehow make me feel like they know everything i do secretly. When i walk in the street, sometimes i feel like i am getting chased by a killer. And i panic. I can't count how many times that i had a nightmare about getting chased in the public and being stabbed to death.

I have also experienced sleep paralysis with hallucinations 4 times since August last year. In one of them i saw my mom running into my room with an axe and hitting me in my stomach with it. In one of them i saw a corpse right next to my bed. Most of the time i am afraid to sleep because of those. And just to say i don't even smoke or drink, let alone doing drugs.

I have more to say, but not now.
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Old May 18th, 2018, 05:39 PM   #4
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Default Re: What are your toughts?~TRIGGER WARNING

I've had countless sleep paralysis with hallucinations after my last post here. But the latest one was entirely different. I saw my close friend next to my bed. He was talking to me but i couldn't understand what he was saying. It lasted so long that i understood he wasn't real. Then i tought if i can summon someone. I tried to summon the girl who i am in love with for 9 months (she doesn't love me back but i still love her). But that failed. When i tried to summon her i accidentally summoned a Japanese girl. I fall asleep immediately and i had sex with her in my dream. Then i woke up close to ejaculation. I feared sleep paralysis until now. Now i want to have it again.
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Old May 18th, 2018, 08:32 PM   #5
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Default Re: What are your toughts?~TRIGGER WARNING

You should consider getting professional help. I think this is beyond all our expertise here and this nature of your situation seems severe. If it is getting worse, you have to get professional help. We will always be here as a community for support but without taking any action it will be hard for you to help yourself.

I think in your case it is best to get on some medication. I'm not a psychiatrist tho.

But if you don't do anything about this, and it's getting worse, it won't go away, it will continue to be a problem for you.

Good luck and I hope that this was of some help to you.




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Old May 19th, 2018, 06:40 PM   #6
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Default Re: What are your toughts?~TRIGGER WARNING

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You should consider getting professional help. I think this is beyond all our expertise here and this nature of your situation seems severe. If it is getting worse, you have to get professional help. We will always be here as a community for support but without taking any action it will be hard for you to help yourself.

I think in your case it is best to get on some medication. I'm not a psychiatrist tho.

But if you don't do anything about this, and it's getting worse, it won't go away, it will continue to be a problem for you.

Good luck and I hope that this was of some help to you.
Thank you. But as i said, getting professional help is not an option. At least those things i am experiencing are not getting worse. But i think it's changing forms. My paranoid fears of getting stabbed in the public and my suicidal toughts seems to be passed away. But instead my hallucinations while having sleep paralysis got a lot frequent. But as i also said, after my last experience i am looking forward for it to happen again. It was so pleasurable.

I want to talk about that girl i mentioned in my last post. It's been 9 months that i started loving her. I fell in love not just with how beautiful she is, but also with her passion about history. I also have a big passion about history. And we are in the same class. She always sat next to me. And we talked about everything. But when i tried to ask her on a date, she understood what i was trying to do and let me know that she wasn't interested in me. She never sat next me ever again after that day. I felt heart broken and i still do today. Nowadays she only asks if i am doing well occaisonaly. I always respond as i am well but you guys know what's happening in reality. I also saw her on a date with other 2 guys over the time. But that didn't changed my feelings. I also feel sexually attracted to her and sometimes i masturbate to her photos. I also have wet dreams about her. In one of them she was giving me a handjob. I am %100 sure i felt the ejaculation part of the dream but when i woke up there was nothing. It was very odd. But the sexual part of my love is like %25 of it. Don't get me wrong. %75 of it is my romantic fantasies. Like having dinner or walking at the coastline with her. I saw her while she was sleeping last week. In the class. She was an angel. Her voice makes my soul go to heaven. And when she Stops speaking my soul returns to my body.

Am i obsessed with her? Or is this normal? I feel like i can't love anyone else. And she is impossible to reach.

Last edited by Blashyrkh; May 19th, 2018 at 06:50 PM. Reason: I forgot to add something.
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Old May 19th, 2018, 06:50 PM   #7
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Default Re: What are your toughts?~TRIGGER WARNING

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blashyrkh View Post
Thank you. But as i said, getting professional help is not an option. At least those things i am experiencing are not getting worse. But i think it's changing forms. My paranoid fears of getting stabbed in the public seems to be passed away. But instead my hallucinations while having sleep paralysis got a lot frequent. But as i also said, after my last experience i am looking forward for it to happen again. It was so pleasurable.

I want to talk about that girl i mentioned in my last post. It's been 9 months that i started loving her. I fell in love not just with how beautiful she is, but also with her passion about history. I also have a big passion about history. And we are in the same class. She always sat next to me. And we talked about everything. But when i tried to ask her on a date, she understood what i was trying to do and let me know that she wasn't interested in me. She never sat next me ever again after that day. I felt heart broken and i still do today. Nowadays she only asks if i am doing well occaisonaly. I always respond as i am well but you guys know what's happening in reality. I also saw her on a date with other 2 guys over the time. But that didn't changed my feelings. I also feel sexually attracted to her and sometimes i masturbate to her photos. I also have wet dreams about her. In one of them she was giving me a handjob. I am %100 sure i felt the ejaculation part of the dream but when i woke up there was nothing. It was very odd. But the sexual part of my love is like %25 of it. Don't get me wrong. %75 of it is my romantic fantasies. Like having dinner or walking at the coastline with her.

Am i obsessed with her? Or is this normal? I feel like i can't love anyone else. And she is impossible to reach.
How old are you all?
It seems like she's not interested but she's kind enough to check up on you.
I don't think it's all that healthy to be obsessed with a real girl you know. I've been there before and know what it's like to have unreal feelings for a girl. It's a bad spot to be in and unfair for everyone that gets involved. I think it's best to try to move on from this girl at this point. It's been nine months and that's almost a year. And to keep a crush, isn't bad, but letting a fantasy of someone live inside your head, take up time and energy, for an endless result, ...
I think it sounds like an obsession that could grow worse and should probably be addressed before it does.




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Old May 19th, 2018, 08:46 PM   #8
Blashyrkh
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I am 17.

I agree with everything you said. But I think i like this kind of romantic suffering.

I feel bad for her. I feel like a pervert. I am ashamed of myself. But i don't think that i can stop until i meet a new girl. And that seems to be a long time.

Another thing about me is, i am a sadist. But i don't feel comfortable writing anything further about it.

I had an amazing childhood. Why are all this happening?

I got rejected 3 times in 5 years. Never had a girlfriend. I know it doesn't mean anything. But it feels like a big deal to me.

Last edited by Dalcourt; May 26th, 2018 at 09:57 PM.
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Old May 26th, 2018, 07:51 PM   #9
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Default Re: What are your toughts?~TRIGGER WARNING

I think you are obsessed, I would say it is perverted to do what you have done. Personally, I find it disgusting, and a lot of the traits you have explained are identical to what some of the world's most notorious sociopaths and psychopaths have. The fact you continue with the actions you take and wanting the lucid dreams shows how inhuman it is.

Your childhood can manifest in different ways to affect you psychology, it doesnt matter if you were beaten or not or whatever, it impacts everyone differently.

That being said, I like abnormal psychology, and I think this is it.
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Old May 27th, 2018, 06:32 PM   #10
Blashyrkh
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Default Re: What are your toughts?~TRIGGER WARNING

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I think you are obsessed, I would say it is perverted to do what you have done. Personally, I find it disgusting, and a lot of the traits you have explained are identical to what some of the world's most notorious sociopaths and psychopaths have. The fact you continue with the actions you take and wanting the lucid dreams shows how inhuman it is.

Your childhood can manifest in different ways to affect you psychology, it doesnt matter if you were beaten or not or whatever, it impacts everyone differently.

That being said, I like abnormal psychology, and I think this is it.
So you think that i'm a sociopath or a psychopath? I'm %100 sure that i'm not a sociopath but i could be a psychopath. But i don't care if i am one. And i also don't care if what i do is inhumane. I've done a lot things that other people considers inhumane. If i want to do it, i just do it.

Just for my curiosity, can you give a specific name(s) that i am identical to?

So back to that topic again, my love for her is getting bigger and bigger everyday. Yesterday, i texted her for the first time. For no reason. I just wanted to have a conversation with her. And i asked something to her about history. We had a short conversation. Just imagining her voice in my head makes my heart beat faster. Makes me sweat.

I feel like i'm on a train that has no destination.
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Old May 27th, 2018, 08:02 PM   #11
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Default Re: What are your toughts?~TRIGGER WARNING

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So you think that i'm a sociopath or a psychopath? I'm %100 sure that i'm not a sociopath but i could be a psychopath. But i don't care if i am one. And i also don't care if what i do is inhumane. I've done a lot things that other people considers inhumane. If i want to do it, i just do it.

Just for my curiosity, can you give a specific name(s) that i am identical to?

So back to that topic again, my love for her is getting bigger and bigger everyday. Yesterday, i texted her for the first time. For no reason. I just wanted to have a conversation with her. And i asked something to her about history. We had a short conversation. Just imagining her voice in my head makes my heart beat faster. Makes me sweat.

I feel like i'm on a train that has no destination.
The fact you say you don't care is a fallacy. You do as you mentioned in earlier posts show remorse for her because of what you do. I'd also be interested to see if you know the difference between a sociopath and psychopath. Not just by a googled definition, rather, what is in literature by the best profilers in the world. I'd also mention that by what I've read you sound like a bit of a narcissist.

One of my favourite authors is Christopher Berry Dee, he's the director of the criminology research institute. In his book, "Talking with Psychopaths and Savages", he discusses the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath amongst so much more. A case study in this book you remind me of John Cannan. If you're going to read it, read it from the book. He is labelled as a savage rather than a psychopath. I think you two share very similar traits (some by prediction, others evident).

As for this obsession, it's disturbing that you let yourself do this purely because it will just manifest it to something it shouldn't.

I'd like to add, please do not carry on posting this stuff for kids to see. It's not the sort of stuff they should think about let alone read. If you want to talk message me.

Last edited by Ethan19; May 30th, 2018 at 04:38 PM.
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