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Old January 25th, 2010, 07:47 PM   #1
1_21Guns
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Name: Natalie
Join Date: May 16, 2009
Location: Hell.
Age: 23
Gender: Female
Default Will someone please take the knife out of my back and kill me with it?

Hm. I haven't really been on here properly in some time.
Probably because theres far too much on my mind, which is sending me crazy.
I haven't got a fucking clue who I am anymore.
Every single day has been a living hell.
I've wanted to cut atleast once a day.
I've made enough mistakes these past few days to last me a year.
I've been stabbed in the back about 3 times in 3 days.
My moods changing so rapidly it hurts, one minute i'm okay, the next i'm low, the next i'm depressed, the next i'm hyper, then BAM. i'm suicidal.
I can't take much more of this. Theres so much more I wish I could say on here, but I can't.
And all the stuff I can't say is the stuff thats killing me.
Dieing doesn't seem that bad right now, I don't fear it.
Everythings wrong. Nothings normal or right in my life. Nothing ever goes quite the steryotypical way, or the way you'd expect.
Its always wrong.
I know I don't pretend to be someone i'm not. But I haven't a clue who I even am. My heads so crammed full of versions of me that i've created over the years to hide things, cover up things, tell lies, play tricks on people, help someone, ignore my own feelings.
I feel like my heads going to explode and I need to relieve the pressure.
Cutting doesn't seem that much of a bad idea either. But I can't do that either. Somethings stopping me that I can't let go of. I don't want to let go. I'd rather lose the blade then the reason.
I say this, but then in 5 minutes I'll feel like doing it again. I know it. I can't stand 5 more minutes of this week. Of this day. I just want it to stop. I just need a break. I need to go. I need to run. I need to die.
Theres no point me being here, its aimless. I'm just a walking disaster, a problem till the day I die. Nothings simple with me, its always awkward or difficult, complicated or messed up.
I don't even know what the point in all this was. Sorry for wasting the time you spend reading this probably very confusing post.

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Old January 26th, 2010, 05:33 AM   #2
Aspiringanonymous
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Join Date: November 4, 2009
Gender: Undisclosed
Blog Entries: 7
Default Re: Will someone please take the knife out of my back and kill me with it?

Quote:
Everythings wrong. Nothings normal or right in my life. Nothing ever goes quite the steryotypical way, or the way you'd expect.
Unconventional equals wrong, then? Plenty of matters and experiences are nothing but complete absurdities, but that doesn't make it any less valid, if not important towards one's personal growth. Right and wrong are subjective perceptions, as is everything. Undesirable experiences, at the very least, exist to support one's awareness of what 'desirable' is.

Taking the road less traveled is what makes life all the more interesting. Yes, I said interesting.

Quote:
But I haven't a clue who I even am. My heads so crammed full of versions of me that i've created over the years to hide things, cover up things, tell lies, play tricks on people, help someone, ignore my own feelings.
No person can claim with absolute certainty, that they 'know who they are'. And in all honesty, 'who you are' really doesn't matter. As long as one has a preliminary set of values and guiding principles to live by, all of this chaotic mess should naturally organize itself according to that.

Everyone is multi-faceted to some degree, and the experience of conflicting internal forces is foreign to none. With whom should the rational mind side with, in the endless battle between emotional factions? I believe that, it is whichever one that feels most comfortable, natural, and familiar. The one that allows for an effective partnership between instinct and intellect.

Quote:
Theres no point me being here, its aimless. I'm just a walking disaster, a problem till the day I die. Nothings simple with me, its always awkward or difficult, complicated or messed up.
Life is inherently aimless, but that doesn't mean we should all die. Life is meant for living.
And life is beautiful, with all its flaws and shortcomings, for without darkness there would be no light.
Every thing can resonate many essences at the same time, therefore it is possible to find simplicity within chaos. How exactly one does so, however, is up to each consciousness to discover for themselves.
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Old January 27th, 2010, 11:45 PM   #3
Ryhanna
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Name: Ryan
Join Date: August 19, 2009
Location: Victoria, Aus
Age: 22
Gender: Male
Blog Entries: 12
Default Re: Will someone please take the knife out of my back and kill me with it?

So change.
If you feel this way, pick up and start over. Leave this stuff in the past.

Join a sports group or club of some sort to take your mind off things.

I know, it's easier said than done... but you feel better when you don't dwell on things. Don't think about things people say, or do, or bad things that happen... have you noticed that that stuff sinks your stomach? Just focus on the now.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.
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