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i guess this could be classed as a positive. but i see it as such a negative because it proves just how screwed up i am. i've come to a realisation over the last few days as to what causes me to feel down like i do. this isn't the source i wouldn't think, because its not the only reason i feel down but yeah. i am the type of person who cares for their friends. i'll sometimes text them for no other reason then just to ask how they are? or to send them a nice message when they are unhappy and stuff. for a lot of my friends, i give a lot and thats where my problems start.

in my heart, i expect to be treated the same, to be given back what i have given and vice versa. and i know i shouldn't expect that, but it doesn't change things in my mind, i still do and when i don't get that i am disappointed. thats when the negative thinking really kicks in, i start being self critical, trying to figure out whats wrong with me because in my thinking it has to be a fault with me. often this snowballs way out of perspective and the next thing i know i'm curled up in a corner, crying, thinking that i must be the worst person in the world.

some of you are probably reading this thinking how selfish am i and stuff like that, and you are entitled to think that because i am, but i can't help it and i hate it. the only reason this has come to a head was a few days ago when i had an online example of why i feel like this sometimes. i came online and all of a sudden people started talking to me. it made me smile, made me happy until i realised the only reason they did talk to me was because they all wanted something, and didn't really want to talk to me at all. thats when i thought about it more and after a lot of negative thinking, i have figured this part out.

i know this isn't the single cause of me being down, it can't be because of the circumstances of when i feel crap sometimes? but i know its a problem. a person shouldn't be like this, you only create enemies being like this. take out my girlfriend and i would feel totally isolated all the time. thats how bad it is. thats how screwed up i am. at least i have figured this out i suppose.

Stephen, I think anyone who carries out an act of kindness would want kindness in return.

Though you do take it a little far to heart, most people do this. I do it.

Keep your chin up, bud.

Are you always this self critical? I can't imagine the mental chaos that ensues after going down that path of "what am I doing wrong?" Unfortunately, some people take advantage of others. It's happened to me - I'm always there for my friends, and I often go above and beyond the call of duty for them. And in return? Not much. It isn't a fault of MINE that it happened but rather a fault of THEIRS to not fully realize my importance. It's not vanity or selfishness - it's realizing that you are a human with needs like everyone else. You deserve them. PM me if needed. You deserve all the happiness in the world.

There's a lot in your first two paragraphs that I can empathise with. I know how easy it can be to feel let down and disappointed at times. I spend hours every week, almost every night, talking online to guys I think I can help. But I'm human too, I have my own ups and downs, and sometimes it feels as if people always expect me to be there for them but there's no-one there for me. On the whole its probably not true, its just a sort of mindset that its easy to get into.

So I guess what I'm saying is don't think badly of yourself about it, its not selfish or stupid, or at any rate, if its, then other people, including me, share the same stupidity.