What is this?

I am a Male. I am currently a student at an Ivy League U. In December 2008, two of my friends died. One killed herself, and the other was killed during a robbery. I was living alone in a rented home at the time and was so very scared. It was as if a switch from normalcy to insanity was turned on in my head. I felt extremely panicked but somehow managed to study for my most of my exams. During the test, I found that I couldn't concentrate at all, but I assumed that I would feel better during break. I ended up going back home for the month. I felt extremely sick to my stomach and somehow felt that the world was "fake" and that our lives had no meaning whatsoever. Whatever I would study, I felt like it wasn't sticking in my head. I felt really weird like I couldn't access the thoughts in my head. I reluctantly went back to school to take another set of exams without going to get some medical help. Big mistake. I felt so very paranoid that I was going to fail. I have a history of depression and suicidal ideation, but had managed to control it until prior to this incident. When I went back to school, I was paranoid that people were watching me. Normally, I am very talkative, yet when I saw people in the halls, I could only muster a wink. Even though I wanted to say something, I couldn't...it was as if my mouth was not working. I felt that because this one kid committed suicide, people were watching to see whether I was going to do the same. When I took my test, I could barely understand the questions in this set of exams. I tried to go to sleep, but when I did, I felt a very weird sensation....its as if an energy was passing through my body....this happened over maybe three seconds. Throughout the next day, I started seeing what appeared to be a line of light in my eye. It would come intermittently. My thoughts were so very weird: I kept thinking that people were out to get me and if I "give myself up" to the teacher, I would be alright.

I ended up taking a few months off from school. I recently found out that my deceased grandfather had a history of hallucinating. I have been having difficulty forming thoughts and have difficulty speaking in complete sentences. It takes me several seconds to organize my thoughts and speak. At the end of the day, I often forget what I have done since the morning. I am losing my sense of time...I have difficulty remembering the date, as well as simple things like my phone number. My memories seem so disjointed. If I close my eyes and really concentrate, I can remember. I sometimes continue to see flashes of light in my eye. Sometimes it looks like a line of light other times like a white flash. I laugh at the silliest things. I feel like I have a running commentary in my head. I don’t hear voices, but it seems like my own voice is making commentary about my actions...its sorta hard to explain. When I look at someone, my mind will make a comment about them (i.e. he looks fat, she looks silly). Also, it seems like while I am going about my daily routine, I am having conversations in my head....if I am feeling a bit sad, then my internal voice will say I feel sad and then I think of something someone else has said in the past to make me feel better and I converse. Its like I keep thinking of past conversations but instead of just thinking it, I "hear it in my head." Sometimes, I feel like I am rehearsing future conversations in my head. When I lie down and try to relax, I sometimes feel a weird feeling like my hands and legs are very light.

I feel like I can't think...I have so much trouble remembering my past. Whenever I read, after a few sentences, I lose track of where I am. If I do manage to read an article, after a paragraph or so, my inner voice "summarizes" what I just read.... I have trouble remembering names, and have a lot of difficulty buying even simple things at the grocery store. I have to basically list out simple things that I have to do like: take a shower, check email, etc. Does this sound like schizophrenia?

Sounds like it's been a rough road for you hun

While I can't diagnose you,
I can heavily advise you to go see a psychiatrist immediately.

Tragic events tend to trigger schizophrenia,
And also you mentioned that your grandfather had tendencies to hallucinate,
And schizophrenia is hereditary and I've been told that it skips generations.
This I find to be true since my grandmother was schizophrenic,
And I have a tendency to hallucinate, though I'm only diagnosed Bipolar.

Again, I heavily advise you to go see a psychiatrist as soon as possible!

i would advice that you go to see a doctor.i dont know if this schizophrenia althought you have some symptons i cant say is for sure because you can be depressed too.

you have past for a difficult situation and i think you maybe need to talk to someone i cant imagine what i would feel if this happen to me but i sure i would need to talk to someone i think you need to go to a psychologist he or she would tell you if you need to go to a psychiatrist.please go to see a psychologist if you go you would feel better

Yea, I strongly suggest that you see a doctor who knows what he's doing. I hate to say it, but it sounds liek there is something wrong with you, but I don't think it's schizophrenia. It might be cause because your depressed with a few things, and yeah It's possible you do have schizophrenia, I won't deny that. Sometimes I hallucinate as well (well, sort of hallucinate) and both my parents have schizophrenia.

Hang in there! We're all cheering you on and hope you get better and get help soon!

Hey guys: appreciate all your suggestions. I went to a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with severe depression with psychosis as a secondary feature. Hopefully with meds, my symptoms will resolve. I'll be sure to update.

I'm glad it's not schizophrenia. You did the right thing to go see a psychiatrist, and I hope that you do get better.

Just wanted to give you folks an update. I have been on high doses of antidepressents over the last few months. I exercise for about 2 hours per day, and try to keep my mind occupied with constructive activities. I urge those with depression and psychotic illness to explore natural supplements like Fish Oil tablets and Glycine powder (www.schizophrenia.com/glycinetreat.ht). Glycine is a natural antipsychotic that can be mixed with juice. It tastes like sugar and has no side effects. While I still feel my memory is somewhat impaired, I am 90% better No visual or internal auditory hallucinations. No more thoughts of suicide and death. No more sadness. I finally have brightness in my life. I urge everyone to seek help as soon as possible. Stigma and what society thinks of you is absolute crap. Your life HAS meaning and don't let the monster of mental illness hold you back. Find a good p-doc, be active, and foster relationships with your loved ones. Medicine has grown by leaps and bounds, and most conditions are treatable and manageable. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem and leaves behind a trail of destruction affecting those around you. Set goals and achieve them. I am back on my path to becoming a lawyer and will be an advocate for those afflicted with mental illness. Good Luck on your journey.

Please pm me if you have any questions. I'd be happy to answer them.