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Old November 14th, 2008, 08:53 PM   #1
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Join Date: October 8, 2005
Location: 8five9
Age: 26
Gender: Male
Exclamation I don't know what to do

The last time I had a mental breakdown was six months ago.
It led to a suicide attempt that landed me in a psychiatric hospital for a few weeks.
I started thinking of suicide again within days of being released but I managed to keep the thoughts (and the idea of an attempt at bay.)

For the past two days, even when my mood is relatively cheerful, I've been contemplating suicide.
I'm fighting myself here.
I'm staying with my sister tonight because her boyfriend is in the hospital and she doesn't like being left alone.
I've been contemplating leaving a phone next to her nightstand and then disappearing.
To go back to my other sister's and get all of my pills.
It seems like the perfect solution and I'm not sure I can fight the temptation.

I'm not going to say I have nothing to live for.
Everyone does.
But, I am not afraid to do this.
I have done this before.

Yes, I am selfish.
I know this.
Feel free to tell me, but you're only pointing out the obvious.
My life could be so much worse.
I'm weak.

I've been trying to hold out until December 5th.
Three more weeks.
I'll have help again.
I just want to break way.
I started shaking and hyperventilating.
I managed to get a little control back by taking it a few seconds at a time.
I feel like I'm not in control of myself.

I have all but completely sliced my legs up.
There is no more room on my legs.
I need another place.
My arms are itching for it.
I keep fighting myself, testing myself.
I'm horrible at passing tests.

If I can get through tonight without bleeding or something else
I'll be amazed.

I hate this.
I can't stand feeling peaceful one minute
And ready to end my life the next.
I cannot handle this.
I can't keep doing this.

In times like these, I either disappear
Or I slice on myself until my arms are sore from the movements
And I just try to breathe.

I think I'm having another mental breakdown.

edit: i'm doing everything i can to distract myself but it isn't completely working.


i had to run away high so i wouldn't come home low.

Last edited by nachtspiegel; November 14th, 2008 at 10:11 PM.
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Old November 14th, 2008, 10:34 PM   #2
Completely Lost
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Join Date: August 19, 2008
Location: USA
Gender: Male
Default Re: I don't know what to do

Whatever you do, don't kill yourself, or atleast talk to someone before you decide to cut or anything (that's what I was told to do)..

Can I ask why you feel this way, and you are not selfish.. it's just that someones people don't understand what you're going through and it makes it feel like you're Completely (Lost) alone in this world and that isn't a great feeling at all..

If you EVER NEED to talk, just gimme a shout..

"The wind blows in all directions, your time will come"

__This Year__
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Old November 22nd, 2008, 06:07 AM   #3
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Join Date: November 11, 2008
Location: LC
Gender: Male
Default Re: I don't know what to do

Please dont demoralise yourself like this. First identify why you wanna suicide. Then maybe talk to someone.(pm me if u like XD). Its always good to deal with yr problems rather than running away from it. I understand its hard, u dont want to take it anymore, but please stay strong. Believe in yourself. You arent weak.

By cutting> Worse thoughts> SUicide> Escaping from the problem + family and friends grieve.

pm me if u want.. good luck. (:

The warm red shades of the sun have a melancholic beauty.
Solitary tears fall into the sea that i sealed away in my heart.
The bright light that i missed will not come back to me now.
So i want freedom, just like the next wind that comes with the next sunrise.
I can feel it trembling... ebony and nova...
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