Cheating and honesty

Let's say that your were just about to get intimate with your boy for the first time, and you heard from a couple of friends that he's been kinda flirting and close with someone else lately. And let's say you confront him, and he acknowledges it but says nothing serious is going on. Would you believe him and give him points for being honest? Or would you back off any intimacy and wait? And if you wait doesn't that just encourage guys to lie about stuff like this?

Originally Posted by Madison519

Let's say that your were just about to get intimate with your boy for the first time, and you heard from a couple of friends that he's been kinda flirting and close with someone else lately. And let's say you confront him, and he acknowledges it but says nothing serious is going on. Would you believe him and give him points for being honest? Or would you back off any intimacy and wait? And if you wait doesn't that just encourage guys to lie about stuff like this?

The truth of the matter is you can't control or keep 100% tabs on what your love interests are doing, whether you've officially become an item, or are just beginning those flirtatious talks that could lead to a relationship.


As someone who has been cheated on in the past, I have come to realize a couple things about the dating culture and it seems to happen in a few phases:

1. You initially meet and figure out how you feel about each other and if you enjoy each other's company.

2. If you do enjoy being around each other the focus narrows mutually and sometimes flirtatious touching happens, but nothing is officially monogamous yet, but sometimes individuals jump into bed at this stage.

(This is the point where a lot of drama happens due to miscommunication and differing expectations, or the guy or girl is deliberately being promiscuous and unethical in dating practices)

3. This stage acknowledges the former stage 2, and this is where those serious one-on-one talks happen with a love interest and you start establishing your emotional boundaries, sexual boundaries, and you get a sense of how committed they are; if what you want is a serious long-term monogamous relationship, that standard is set here, as is an open-relationship etc...

From this basis in stage 3, this is what defines if "cheating" has occurred or not.

4. Stage 4 is an outright relationship, with drama occurring when violations of stage 3 have evidence or proof, and it either begins a cycle of an abusive relationship, or it ends it.


What tends to happen I think is people start thinking they're committed at the first sign of intimacy in stage 2, and this is not a good assumption to make.

I also recommend in stage 2, that you actually see your partner's health record from their doctor to insure they are clean of any STD/STI's before proceeding into more heavy stuff. At the very least use condoms, and avoid swapping bodily fluids as those can transmit serious diseases.


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Also you are correct I think, that lying is bad, honesty really is the best policy, and you need to communicate what you want from him, and ask if he just wants a brief non-serious romance with you and others, and compare his wants/needs with what you want from the hypothetical relationship a well.

You also need to ask yourself if all you want is a brief relationship as well, because the flipside of this issue, is that you get into a relationship, and then the seriousness of the relationship can get intense and then you feel trapped and afraid to breakup and hurt their feelings. So this other scenario is also a possibility. Please understand both sides of the coin here.


That's the best thing you can do and know about the dating process, and it's really all life leaves you with realistically, you can't stalk your lovers 24/7, and then persecute them when you find they were less than honest.

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect that intimacy is either genuine or monogamous before you even start. Guess I'd hold off a bit until I could be totally comfortable. Also, it depends on whether you're interested in him or just crave the intimacy.

If you don't have trust and open communication in your relationship, you shouldn't be together because it won't work.

There is seriously no need to overcomplicate things.

What is it you want?

If it's just sex and something casual, it really doesn't matter what he's doing or not doing with anyone else. Go for it and enjoy it.

If it's a committed relationship and he's "your boy," then he's already acknowledged he's not committed. He's flirting with one or more other people and he wouldn't be doing that if he was in any way devoted to you. Regardless of whatever his idea of "serious" is, and having two brothers, I can tell you that boys have different ideas as to what constitutes something "serious," if you want a committed relationship, then you won't find it with this guy. Move on.

To overthink it and overcomplicate any further is just a waste of time and energy.

Originally Posted by JuliaVT

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect that intimacy is either genuine or monogamous before you even start. Guess I'd hold off a bit until I could be totally comfortable. Also, it depends on whether you're interested in him or just crave the intimacy.

I agree with you, that it's not unreasonable to have that ideal for yourself. However, I want to say you are sharing a world with others who have different views, and to assume or expect the same without getting explicit confirmation, is not a good idea.

Communication is key.

Holding off until all is cleared is also something I agree with too, you have to know yourself before you know what you are joining yourself too in a relationship with another, and that person has to know themselves as well.

Originally Posted by Madison519

Would you believe him and give him points for being honest?

ok...if he is not showing the same honesty by confessing the same with other girls...boys' sole aim is to have a dating with a girl by hook or crook..exception may be very narrow...if you are very honest do not believe such pretending

Originally Posted by Taryn98

If you don't have trust and open communication in your relationship, you shouldn't be together because it won't work.

Exactly said. If I didn't trust him, I wouldn't even be thinking of sleeping with him.

I'd say... go slow.

Guys our age for the most part are hard to trust once the cross the sex line with us. Never think a guy once he has sex, played with your boobs or fingered you not to tell other guys if asked. If you find a really nice guy you trust try and keep him.

Originally Posted by taryn98

if you don't have trust and open communication in your relationship, you shouldn't be together because it won't work.

absolutely!

I guess you just need to ask yourself if you trust him or not. Whether it's serious or not, he's still flirting with someone else which I personally would not be cool with. Unless you trust him 100% I would definitely wait and see how it works out if it was me

Originally Posted by StacyD

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If it's just sex and something casual, it really doesn't matter what he's doing or not doing with anyone else. Go for it and enjoy it.

or that! Depends what kinda thing you have going with him

Posts merged. Please use the edit button next time~Dalcourt