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Old December 11th, 2017, 12:08 AM   #1
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Name: McKinley Kay
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Default Anyone else ever have a problem like this?!

Ok so I think this may be the correct forum for this.
Ever since I was little I have always been thinking about anything. I would just walk in circles and think. But then it was about pokemon or something. Starting in july, it started to bother me because I would think about the next school year. I got really anxious and in September rather depressed. Luckily, the worst it got for depression was cutting for a week but after that I was good and I started eating more again and all. Anyway, my mind has to always be thinking about something. I always have to be thinking and sometimes its about a girl, later about school and lately, starting in September, much darker thoughts. To even think I must be pacing (walking in circles) and probably have headphones on. Usually they are turned up loud so I feel alone or distant enough from the rest of my family to think straight. Thing is, I'll start to think for hours at a time. It took up my entire summer. Lately I just thought about... idk. Most of the time, they are imaginary scenarios over anything in life I'm running through my mind but lately they have been focused more on suicide. Dunno why, I'm not suicidal, its just an odd preoccupation to have. Sometimes ill just focus on the music and blank out for a bit. Have any of you just thought of darkness? Nothing specific but just darkness. Like reaching down to the saddest you can find inside yourself over and over again? Taking what is broken in life and just meditating on it until your about to cry? Running through an scenario so sad and odd that you tear up? So the thoughts are odd and what my mind runs to is also odd. Maybe its the loud music. Usually its just something depressing I have on. I don't feel like playing anything else. Happy music just feels out of place at times. It's like wearing something flashy when you're sad. You want to switch to something more dull yet more comfortable. And I'm the only on listening so that's odd. Everything else is normal. My parents are used to seeing me pace and think. Any ideas? Anyone else relate in the slightest way possible?

Another thing that I've been thinking about is from a poem I read two and a half months ago:
She took a deep breath, She counted to three
A picture in her head, Of who they wanted her to be
They wanted her to be normal, Happy and kind
Little did they know, That this girl would be blind
Not blind by meaning, But blind in the heart
Blinded by darkness, Blinded by dark
She walks around lifeless, Her heart beating but dead
A walking corpse, She's lost inside her own head
Thing have no meaning, At least not anymore
she is not how she was, how she was once before
She is one of the living, But one of the dead
Part of her is missing, She hangs on by a thread
She hung her head low, and with one final bow
she stepped of the edge, saying one final vow
"I will not change who I am, as hard as any of you try"
"this is me giving up, this is one last goodbye"
I just picture a girl frozen in time, falling, is she crying? is she numb? does she regret it after she stepped off? What scenario caused this? I know she's depressed but I just keep trying to understand it. Sometimes I feel like I do and kinda wanna cut again. Its been nagging at me for months. It reminds me of a rhyme:
They were getting better
then they remembered what tore them apart
and now they're back at the start

The moment I do understand it, I want to stop but when I don't, I want to again. When I don't understand it, I feel like I'm lying to myself by saying that I once did. I want to connect with the poem without feeling truly saddened by what I'm understanding. That's impossible. There's just a bunch of stuff like this bouncing around in my head. Thanks for listening.

Been scared of the future, thinking about the past, while missing out on now.
16. Vegetarian.

Last edited by InDarkerLight; December 11th, 2017 at 12:57 AM. Reason: Adding the poem
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Old December 11th, 2017, 01:05 AM   #2
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Default Re: Anyone else ever have a problem like this?!

Do you see or talk to a therapist or counselor?
Do you have one you can reach out to by chance?
Im not saying anythings wrong Im not a Dr but Id rather hear your ok rather than you suffering from a psycodic episode, which tbh sounds like you may have already.
Not saying you have, just sayin sounds like it
Psycodic episodes are easy to curb or stop. Harder to pick up the pieces after
Please just talk to someone and get confirmation your ok

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Old December 21st, 2017, 01:47 AM   #3
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Default Re: Anyone else ever have a problem like this?!

I... huh. Never had this described so perfectly before. I mean, I've never cut myself over depression, but other than that, I've been in the same exact place that you have, headset and all.
Though I do urge that you get help, as it seems you're in a bit more of an advanced stage than I was while doing that. It seems you're suffering from a bit of a depressive episode, so it wouldn't hurt to see someone about that to figure out what to do next.
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Old December 29th, 2017, 07:34 AM   #4
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Default Re: Anyone else ever have a problem like this?!

I have gone through a similar thing except I do most of my thinking before I go to sleep. My thoughts are normally 'What if..?' scenarios which are often about me killing myself, me attacking others or me running away to find the meaning of life. The best advice is to talk to a trusted adult and ask for their opinion on the matter. If they say get it checked out, try visiting a doctor or counselor and ask for their help. Hopefully you can change your thoughts into positive thoughts and make those thoughts a reality.
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Old December 29th, 2017, 01:27 PM   #5
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Default Re: Anyone else ever have a problem like this?!

Hey dude, word for word i fully relate to what you're talking about, my mind is constantly racing a mile a minute, it just doesn't stop and gets very, very, very dark because of this, some things i would recommend to you:

Try and get a counsellor/therapist, as it may be anxiety and depression, it may be something more severe, either way finding out will help and give answers, if they want to put you on meds, take them, i have personally found my brain has calmed down MAJORLY from meds and it has helped a lot, but also, pick up multiple hobbies and try to make them all different, for instance, i do dog wallking, gaming, photography, drawing, baking, listen to music, watch movies, read books, puzzles, i do so many things, not only do i think you need something to focus your brain on and train it to focus on something for a while, you clearly need ditractions, maybe even multiples, just anything to keep your brain occupied to stop it from going dark, and i think the more engaging and the more challenging your brain finds them, the better

If you ever need someone to talk to i am always here, wishing you the best
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Old January 24th, 2018, 10:25 PM   #6
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Default Re: Anyone else ever have a problem like this?!

you should talk with someone close like a friend or a family member, and also seek professional help.
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Old February 15th, 2018, 12:22 AM   #7
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Default Re: Anyone else ever have a problem like this?!

are you taking anything, i.e. stimulants, nicotine? that causes these types of symptoms. Thinking is great and nice way to escape, but why are you focusing on the negative 'dark" things when there are so many more fascinating things about life to think about, What about plant life, space, women, energy, electricity, music, art, travel, food? You maybe don't appreciate life so much it seems.
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Old February 16th, 2018, 04:00 AM   #8
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Default Re: Anyone else ever have a problem like this?!

Yeah I've been there. It was a real battle getting out of it, some internal motivation made me value life one day and gave me a mission and that mission has given me purpose.
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