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Old February 1st, 2018, 07:19 PM   #1
Aidoon123
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Join Date: August 7, 2012
Location: Ireland
Age: 20
Gender: Male
Blog Entries: 1
Question Depression 2.0

Hey guys, looks like I am back here again after a long break. It's funny, when I'm low I often remember how I spent hours a day on this forum and remember the many lovely people I spoke with. I suppose it's time I made a return to speak to others who might share similar experiences.

So, I guess my battle with depression began when I was 18. I began struggling with my mental health perhaps around March of 2017? I remember noticing a sudden decline in my general level of happiness in my life. I became suddenly aware of just how many flaws I noticed in myself. I really started hating my own body, my face, my appearance as a whole really just brought me down. I could see more flaws in my personality than positives, I wouldn't go as far as to say I hated myself, but I certainly felt that I was not a good person on the whole.

Around February 2017 I began my first real relationship, but my boyfriend had quite bad depression, anxiety and pretty much every other mental health issue you could name. I fell so in love with him in such a short time, but he was unable to show the affection I needed. One of the flaws that I must bring up about myself is that I have incredibly poor self esteem and I am very insecure. I need almost constant affirmation from a guy to feel secure in myself, and when he could not deliver on this, I think it made my state of mind worse? My insecurity doubled and my self esteem plummeted and I think after I broke up with him, this was when I went into "full depression". I essentially locked myself away from the world. I stopped going out to my friends, dropped out of my drama group and I essentially dropped out of school for two months. I spent most of these days at home, just sleeping or watching tv. Whenever I left the house, I would feel ill and my mood would drop further.

Fast forward to June and I had to return to school to sit my college entry exams, which I think helped in grounding me a little and it forced me to put my energy into something else. Once this process was finished, I began to slowly return to normal life. I started going out with friends again, going to the gym and I even went on a date with a guy. We got along quite well, and my friends convinced me to date him, but he cheated within the first two weeks of the relationship so I don't really count it much.

Fast forward again to, well, the last few weeks really. I began to notice a similar situation as last time. My energy started to slump a little, feeling less happy in general, and now my interest in things is starting to drop. Recently I've been struggling to convince myself to go to college, I've been skipping lectures and just don't find myself wanting to go anymore. My self esteem has gone into a slump again, and I find myself really just not liking myself as a person. My flaws keep coming to the front of my mind. I just linger on how unattractive I feel, how I can't hold a relationship, how worthless I see myself.

I've not discussed these issues with my doctor because honestly it is the most uncomfortable thing for me to talk about. I hate talking about my feelings and emotions. Recently, I've had a chronic health issue and the doctor has put me on an anti-depressant for this issue as the other effects of the medicine help my issue. However, since starting the medication I've noticed I've been having these rather unusual mood swings. One moment I feel strangely elated and at the drop of a dime I will go into a complete slump and feel the urge to cry. I know this is probably just a side effect of the medication, but I'm curious if it's related to my mental state?

I know I'm rambling, and I'm sorry about that, but I feel venting with the anonymity of the forum and not being judged by people is quite a relief. I guess my question is, what do you guys think I should do? I'm overthinking everything and can't honestly come up with any answer. Any advice, big or small, would help greatly. Thank you!
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Old February 1st, 2018, 11:56 PM   #2
bpk1234
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Join Date: March 24, 2012
Location: USA
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Default Re: Depression 2.0

You need to LOVE YOURSELF before you can love anyone else bud. Take this from me, someone who has struggled with insecurities and self-confidence issues most of my teenage years.

All of us our human, we all got our flaws. But you change what you can and let go what you cant. Find what you love about yourself and make that your focus. Also, find what makes you look and feel the best. Is it having your hair styled? Is it wearing new clothes?

Being around the right people will make a HUGE difference in your life. Find a group of people who like YOU for who you are not what you look like and people who see beyond all your flaws.

You need to find what makes YOU great. That is what what will make you attractive.
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