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Old November 19th, 2017, 01:14 PM   #41
Dalcourt
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Default Re: Feeling at war with yourself - my bipolar diary

I'm getting more and more irrational. It's scary and dangerous. I feel like I'm losing myself somehow.
I haven't had a phase this bad for years. I mean I was doing bad attempted suicide and shit but now I feel like I can't hold it together anymore.

I'm scared. Like really scared. The last time I felt like that was when I was 14. I hoped so much I would never have to experience that again but now it seems like deja vu all over.
It is like a bad drug trip...usually when I'm depressed I'm just sad but now I'm like hysterically irrationally sad. And I switch to getting maniac within seconds....that is so not normal at all. My last few days used to be horror trips. I don't know what to do anymore.

I seem to drift away I lived like in a different world for months back then. They took me out of school and all. I can't let these things happen now but at the same time I feel like I'm already at the point of no return and can't get out anymore.

I just feel helplessly lost.
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Old November 22nd, 2017, 02:33 AM   #42
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Default Re: Feeling at war with yourself - my bipolar diary

I feel bad...I mean I feel unwell most of the time but now I feel bad on a completely different level. I can't put ignore in words send I do not expect anyone to understand.

It's like I have put too much energy in holding my life together and fighting my way back snd now all this strength and energy is gone.

Everything seems to fall apart..I fall apart.
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Old November 22nd, 2017, 01:59 PM   #43
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Default Re: Feeling at war with yourself - my bipolar diary

I had to put my cat to sleep today. He was always there first at my grandma's place and then with me. I mean this cat was only one year younger than me I have never known a life without him. He was old he had his life and it was a good life you could say but I can't imagine being without him.
Dad has cleared most of his stuff away so that it doesn't remind and hurt me.But there is no many small things.

This cat ws my anchor. He tied me to this life here. When I was suicidal and all grandma used to say you can't just leave him behind, he is your responsibility and all...and now? What now?
I'm in a horrible mental state at the moment and now this blow. I have no strength left anymore.
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Old November 26th, 2017, 12:01 AM   #44
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Default Re: Feeling at war with yourself - my bipolar diary

I just answers a message a friend sent me about how I have someone to talk to about things.
This made me realise that I have hardly talked to anyone for a couple of days now.
I mean I talk to people at work. But I have barely seen my friends and just exchanged a bit of small talk with them.
Same goes for my grandmas.

And I found that I'm completely happy with that. Usually I'm a very talkative person always babbling on about stuff, being bubbly and funny but now I'm completely quiet. Introvert.
It feels a lot easier not having to talk to anyone, not pretending anything.
I love being alone...walking around alone and quiet. Usually when I walk from A to B alone I'm on the phone since I get bored without having anyone to talk to.

My Dad doesn't say much neither...so at the moment he is the person I'm most comfortable around. He doesn't force me to talk to him and at the moment I really cherish this quiet and silence.
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Old December 10th, 2017, 11:23 AM   #45
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Default Re: Feeling at war with yourself - my bipolar diary

I haven't written anything in quite some time. I just feel paralysed. Nothing seems to make sense anymore.
I have no interest in anything. Most people just seem so annoying.

I'm easily irritated...I feel like crying most of the time and at the same time I feel an incredible anger in me.

I really don't know anymore.
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Old December 25th, 2017, 12:14 AM   #46
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Default Re: Feeling at war with yourself - my bipolar diary

I haven't written much lately for once I was kinda lazy and I also felt like I could not add anything new since my situation hasn't really changed

This Christmas is sorta weird...I spend most of it alone. My grandmas are busy and my Dad is...well my Dad.

I feel sad but I really wanna be happy.
I'm doing a "big" Christmas dinner for Dad. I asked him if he wants a present and he told me he wanted to have some nice dinner with me. So yeah.
We usually aren't big on presents...Money or new stuff to wear from my grandma's for me that's basically all.

But Dad promised me a present this year ... well he said I get it on the 27th since he can't go get it earlier but yeah. Knowing my Dad I am afraid I know what it is and I feel really torn about it.

Anyway that's how things are and I really hope this next year is getting better.
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Old January 11th, 2018, 07:15 AM   #47
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Default Re: Feeling at war with yourself - my bipolar diary

I was right about the present from my Dad.
He bought me a new cat. It's a really cute light orange colored one with golden eyes. He went all the way to Houma to get me this lil guy since he wanted a special cat.
I named him Henri.

I am happy to have an animal back in my life and I know very well that it is good for me to have something I have to take care for and be there for. It's important when I get into depressions.
Still I feel I'm not over my old cats and I'm afraid I don't give the lil fellow the attention he deserves. At the same time I constantly worry....I am afraid he could get sick, that I make some mistakes and whatever. It is stupid I have always had cats and they did not die due to me doing something wrong but because they were old.
But I'm always on the verge of panick somehow.
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Old January 12th, 2018, 11:03 PM   #48
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Default Re: Feeling at war with yourself - my bipolar diary

Today at work something happened that upset me way more than I want to admit.
A co-worker told me something our boss did and I feel so very angry now. I mean she always keeps telling me that she needs me and all and what a good job I do. But I increasingly just feel used.

She is lying friendly stuff to my face just to be able to exploit me more and more. I have been working overtime so much and my days off had mostly been cancelled since we are one person short.

I told her I can't work so much since I still go to school and all but obviously nobody cares about it.
She had dinner with some of my co-workers to which she "forgot" to invite me of course and there they talked who gets which days off and so on and as one interjected she saidit's fine since she has me and I'm stupid enough to work whenever she calls me and never call in sick or anything.

I'm so mad right now. I'm really just being used and a laughing matter obviously.

I tried to not let anything show but I was very upset the whole day. I am mad but at the same time sad.
I have no idea what to do I need the job and the money.

Still this is very negative for my mental state and also has negative effects on my school work since I hardly have time for it anymore.
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Old January 18th, 2018, 02:36 PM   #49
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Default Re: Feeling at war with yourself - my bipolar diary

My depressions more and more shift to aggression again. I'm short tempered and I'm sick and tired of all this crap around me.

I have my school stuff, two jobs and this would really be enough.

Still I have to deal with so many other stuff like increasing tensions with my boyfriend.
My Dad is giving me crap as he isn't able to deal with his life alone.

I just wanna be left alone and not deal with any of this.
Not being left alone makes me more and more aggressive. I hate being aggressive like that since I always sooner or later explode.

I just wanna be alone.
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Old January 18th, 2018, 10:07 PM   #50
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Default Re: Feeling at war with yourself - my bipolar diary

As expected it all escalated today.
I dunno why it always has to be like that. We have been playing that same game now for ten years and I'm sick and tired of it.
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Old January 20th, 2018, 05:18 PM   #51
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Default Re: Feeling at war with yourself - my bipolar diary

After my fallout with Dad everything is going down the drain again.
I just don't my school and work like a robot. I honestly couldn't care less about it at all I just function on autopilot.

I'm in such an overall bad mood I could literally kill.
I had an argument with my boyfriend and I felt that I really got to the point of seening red. I sorta left mid sentence and just walked around aimlessly to calm down.

It is a horrible situation. I feel so angry in such moments...and at the same time helpless since I have such a bad time stop my hatred and thoughts of violence.
Most of the time I use self-harm as a way to get rid off these feelings. I haven't hurt myself for nearly a month but I don't know how long it will stay like this.
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Old January 30th, 2018, 09:01 PM   #52
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Default Re: Feeling at war with yourself - my bipolar diary

It's really dark days...wavering between getting irritated at the slightest thing or feeling so completely down I just couldn't cry all day.

I am so lethargic and tired. I slept so much these past days it's insane. But I still feel so dead tired. I know that sleeping so much is bad for me but I just can't help it.


It's Mardi Gras season so everyone just talks about partying and having fun this makes it extra hard for me. My friends keep asking me about going out and all but I just feel like staying in bed. So I got super angry last weekend when they tried pushing me to go out with them.
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Old February 4th, 2018, 12:01 AM   #53
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Default Re: Feeling at war with yourself - my bipolar diary

I feel sorta sick...probably should drink less.

Anyway. I felt really down and depressed for most of the week.
But I guess it's looking up again. After another shouting match on Thursday evening Dad and I have made up again.

He was really shocked after our last argument...like I hardly ever get violent and I had hit him back as he tried to hit me. Sure this upset him but also me since I absolutely detest violent behaviour. But it's kinda talked out now. Still sticks in my mind but yeah...

Spend the weekend trying to have fun. Hang with my friends and do some drinking, eating junk and listen to awful hip hop.
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Old February 7th, 2018, 10:51 PM   #54
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Default Re: Feeling at war with yourself - my bipolar diary

I really don't know what I should think about my best friend. I love her like a sister but sometimes she freaks me out with her overprotective behaviour.

I told her about an email I got and how I felt about it and today she provided me with a couple of files and shit about some people in question.
She dunno what she did to obtain his stuff and she wouldn't tell me. I am just freaked now wondering if she does this with everyone I know and told her about.
It's sorta creepy and I know her intentions aren't really bad but I sorta feel betrayed myself.

I occasionally tell her about people and she goes full on FBI on them.

All my life I had severe trust issues and she was always one I trusted the most.
She said she needs to protect me but why like that?

I feel bad now...I am creeped out by my friend and I have seen stuff about people I didn't even wanna know.
I deleted all this shit but still it's all on my mind now.

I feel rather depressed anyway so I really wouldn't have needed this at all.

I wanted to leave it all be but I am not sure how I should get it off my mind now.
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Old February 18th, 2018, 02:10 PM   #55
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Default Re: Feeling at war with yourself - my bipolar diary

I really would need some time off since I feel like my body and mind are slowly shutting down.

I just have no time I can spend on my own anymore. There's always someone wanting something. It is driving me crazy.

I can't sleep during the night. I am tired all day. I have no energy left but still keep on doing my school and my work and still keep smiling.

I had some severe anger attack out of nothing. I usually can identify all my triggers but this morning I just freaked out and snapped over nothing. Dad asked me what I wanted to do this morning, whether I wanted to go out. It's crazy I dunno...I don't know why I got so mad at this.
Well and then one of my cats jumped on my drawer throwing all the stuff there down. My
my collection of old religious objects. He totally broke one of the statue things into pieces. It was a gift from a neighbor who had died a couple of years ago and was really beautiful

I spent a great deal of the morning cleaning up the mess and trying to repair the poor Jesus figurine.

It was my only completely free day. Then I'm working and going to school again from Monday to Saturday.

I dunno but spending my free time with useless work made me totally freak. My rush of anger turned in some weird paranoia fuelled panic attack.
I had been scratching myself so hard I was even bleeding.
I simply cannot figure out what is wrong with me. I just feel I need a break. But unfortunately I won't get one.
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Old March 2nd, 2018, 10:41 PM   #56
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Default Re: Feeling at war with yourself - my bipolar diary

I'm rather lazy right now when it comes to writing down my feelings. This may be due to the fact that even I'm feeling unwell in so many aspects I just keep going on like a robot not trying to think about myself.

I have a lot of stuff on my plate so I can't pay attention to my feelings really. I have to go on. I know that this is extremely dangerous and a recent breakdown proved this but what else could I do.

I just try to ignore and keep stuff that as shown itself as harmful foment my life. Like I started ignoring a lot of people lately...brainless attention seekers that don't deserve a single wasted thought of mine. This at least helps a bit even though my family still bugs me a lot about one particular of those people since they feel I should take action. I feel that stupid people don't even deserve that kind of attention but they insist such people need a lesson.

It is useless in my opinion there's no remedy for being dumb...it just makes me think about this person even though I don't want to.

Anyway an ugly day is in front of me that I really dread. I hope once this is over it gets a lil better for a while.
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Old March 10th, 2018, 11:59 PM   #57
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Default Re: Feeling at war with yourself - my bipolar diary

I spent the day at my Grandma's. She did my hair...so we kinda had an extremely long time to talk. Braiding cornrows isn't done in just ten minutes. Honestly, I hate it but I'm not yet prepared to shave it all off. I mean, I probably would if others at my job would complain that it looks "ghetto" but since most people seem to like my hair as it is I will keep it for a lil longer.

But yeah black people hair isn't what is on my mind today.

As I said, I had time to talk to my grandma, something I haven't done much lately.
She asked me whether I was happy and I said yes without hesitation.
I hardly ever feel like that. But guess I'm truly happy and content right now.

She felt happy for me she said and that I have grown so much...not physically of course... but mentally. She said she wanted to be honest with me how she always feared she would lose me to suicide or drugs at a young age or any other horrible stuff my Dad would drag me into. She said she always feared his bad influence on me but I managed to change him for the better over the years instead of him dragging me down.

It was awesome to hear she felt like that. I always have my downs but I really work so hard on myself and it feels like it is paying off now.

We also talked about the ugly topic of my getting aggressive a lot during bad manic phases. And how I feel about it. She knows that this is a very hard thing for me since I absolutely detest useless violence.

We talked about how I try to work around aggression against others by self-harming and finally she asked me how I feel about restrictions on gun ownership as we somehow lead our conversation to that Florida school shooting.

I often thought about stuff like that after seeing news of people with mental problems committing such crimes. Like I ask myself would I be capable of doing this? Physically for sure since I have learned to shoot at a young age and would have access to weapons and ammo.
But would this be me or would I do this because of my mental health problems?
No, absolutely not. I'm not capable of brooding on some wrong people do me. I'm not capable of holding grudges.
When I am mad, hateful, aggressive it's just a flaring up for a couple of moments but I can't hold anger over a longer period of time.
I would never want to have a weapon or anything around myself that I could easily and quickly access...I wouldn't trust myself with that under no circumstances. It sounds horrible but I see myself capable of shooting someone during a five minute argument over ridiculous stuff. This is one of the reasons why all our hunting weapons are stored away safely with my grandma.

However as a result of my mental problems I would not be able to go on doing bigger damage. I have this problems with anger flaring up in my mind and making me feel like a different person but I snap out of it very quickly. I have trained myself over the years that whenever I feel this anger coming I hurt myself...hitting,scratching etc...so that I snap out of it and nothing bad happens. And of course I work on not getting angry like that at all and I feel I get better and better at it. During the height of your puberty it was terrible but now I can control all this very well.

Would I be okay with not being able to own guns? As much as I love going hunting and eating this awesome meat like in the chilli we had the other day. I would be absolutely okay with giving up weapons for good. I know what I can do but not everyone in my condition is working so much on understanding themselves. Mental health problems are overlooked so much, not taken seriously enough. It is still so much of a taboo and not treated right. I educate myself as much as I can but while doing this I see so many people who are not aware that they have mental health issues or are in denial about them.

As long as our society is like that and people aren't prepared to give up their egoism and clinging to traditions horrible things will continue to happen.
So yeah restrictions are necessary as a prevention.

Well this was all kinda deep and scary but just a normal conversation with my grandma.
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Old March 30th, 2018, 11:01 AM   #58
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Default Re: Feeling at war with yourself - my bipolar diary

At the moment I feel like a zombie. Kinda like I'm there but then again not at all.
I feel like I'm not really in touch with my environment and the people around during me.
On the surface I function...but I don't pay attention to anything.

Yesterday I couldn't remember whether I did all the things I should have done at work and I woke during the night thinking what if I had forgotten something or done in a wrong get order or whatever. I asked a co-worker and she said everything was just perfect.
I dunno...am I so caught up in a routine?

I can't pay attention to anyone or anything. And I feel bad about this.
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Old April 11th, 2018, 08:59 AM   #59
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Default Re: Feeling at war with yourself - my bipolar diary

I guess I haven't slept for more than an hour last night.
I feel so totally confused. I'm not sure what to do at all.
I feel overwhelmed. So many feelings rushed through my body. I'm happier than I have been in ages but the same time I feel sick.
Dunno how to sort this all out right now.
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Old May 16th, 2018, 03:11 PM   #60
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Default Re: Feeling at war with yourself - my bipolar diary

I had a lot going on for some time and now I feel emotionally overwhelmed. It's like my mind doesn't know how to react anymore. I try to stay calm on the outside but I feel like breaking down and crying and at the same time like just physically hurt whatever person next tries to talk to me.

I have hardly slept for a week never more than 2-3 hours and my body feels like it's shaking and never resting at all.

I haven't felt like that in a long time.
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