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Old November 19th, 2017, 01:14 PM   #41
Dalcourt
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Default Re: Feeling at war with yourself - my bipolar diary

I'm getting more and more irrational. It's scary and dangerous. I feel like I'm losing myself somehow.
I haven't had a phase this bad for years. I mean I was doing bad attempted suicide and shit but now I feel like I can't hold it together anymore.

I'm scared. Like really scared. The last time I felt like that was when I was 14. I hoped so much I would never have to experience that again but now it seems like deja vu all over.
It is like a bad drug trip...usually when I'm depressed I'm just sad but now I'm like hysterically irrationally sad. And I switch to getting maniac within seconds....that is so not normal at all. My last few days used to be horror trips. I don't know what to do anymore.

I seem to drift away I lived like in a different world for months back then. They took me out of school and all. I can't let these things happen now but at the same time I feel like I'm already at the point of no return and can't get out anymore.

I just feel helplessly lost.
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Old November 22nd, 2017, 02:33 AM   #42
Dalcourt
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Default Re: Feeling at war with yourself - my bipolar diary

I feel bad...I mean I feel unwell most of the time but now I feel bad on a completely different level. I can't put ignore in words send I do not expect anyone to understand.

It's like I have put too much energy in holding my life together and fighting my way back snd now all this strength and energy is gone.

Everything seems to fall apart..I fall apart.
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Old November 22nd, 2017, 01:59 PM   #43
Dalcourt
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Default Re: Feeling at war with yourself - my bipolar diary

I had to put my cat to sleep today. He was always there first at my grandma's place and then with me. I mean this cat was only one year younger than me I have never known a life without him. He was old he had his life and it was a good life you could say but I can't imagine being without him.
Dad has cleared most of his stuff away so that it doesn't remind and hurt me.But there is no many small things.

This cat ws my anchor. He tied me to this life here. When I was suicidal and all grandma used to say you can't just leave him behind, he is your responsibility and all...and now? What now?
I'm in a horrible mental state at the moment and now this blow. I have no strength left anymore.
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Old November 26th, 2017, 12:01 AM   #44
Dalcourt
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Default Re: Feeling at war with yourself - my bipolar diary

I just answers a message a friend sent me about how I have someone to talk to about things.
This made me realise that I have hardly talked to anyone for a couple of days now.
I mean I talk to people at work. But I have barely seen my friends and just exchanged a bit of small talk with them.
Same goes for my grandmas.

And I found that I'm completely happy with that. Usually I'm a very talkative person always babbling on about stuff, being bubbly and funny but now I'm completely quiet. Introvert.
It feels a lot easier not having to talk to anyone, not pretending anything.
I love being alone...walking around alone and quiet. Usually when I walk from A to B alone I'm on the phone since I get bored without having anyone to talk to.

My Dad doesn't say much neither...so at the moment he is the person I'm most comfortable around. He doesn't force me to talk to him and at the moment I really cherish this quiet and silence.
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Old December 10th, 2017, 11:23 AM   #45
Dalcourt
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Default Re: Feeling at war with yourself - my bipolar diary

I haven't written anything in quite some time. I just feel paralysed. Nothing seems to make sense anymore.
I have no interest in anything. Most people just seem so annoying.

I'm easily irritated...I feel like crying most of the time and at the same time I feel an incredible anger in me.

I really don't know anymore.
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