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Old November 14th, 2017, 05:42 PM   #1
Lost in the Echo
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Default Not the best time rn ( possible trigger warning )

So this is kind of uncharacteristic of me to make a thread like this, but this has been a really tough year and iíd just like to get some things off my mind. I donít really have a specific goal in mind with this but here we go...

Idk where to start. It just seems like no matter how hard I try or how much progress I think Iíve made, life continues to get worse instead of better.
In the past 3 months Iíve done inpatient and outpatient treatment for mostly alcohol, but a little too for I guess depression and shit like that.
At the time Iím proud of myself and feel Iím doing better, but it never seems to last. Negative thoughts always creep in and as hard as I try to stay optimistic in the moment, the harder they eventually come crashing down on me.

I really havenít drank much at all the past 3 weeks or so, but it seems thatís caused even more intense depression. Iíd love to stay drunk and numb, but I feel like Iím supposed to be passed that point in my life by now.

This is by far the most suicidal Iíve ever felt. Iíve never really considered it too strongly before, but Iím just mentally exhausted and just want everything to end.

This is probably the most isolated Iíve ever been, and Iím just kinda like fuck it.
Eventually Iíd love to just to drink one last bottle whiskey, go for a deep walk in the woods and just blow my fucking head off.
Iíve always been more than happy to help brighten up other peoplesí lives, but I guess that wonít be reciprocated. Nobody ever thinks to check up on me after all the shit that Iíve been through, and Iím always the motherfucker to initiate conversation. Makes me feel like an unlovable, unwanted pos.
Maybe if I started being all these assholes and cocksuckers out here everyone would want to gravitate towards me and be all over my dick too.
But thatís just not my way. Iím too fucking nice for that

Idek anymore
Iím just tired of everything guys. The more I try to the worse everything gets so I donít see the point anymore. Iím way too exhausted to keep trying
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Old November 14th, 2017, 10:52 PM   #2
Uniquemind
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Default Re: Not the best time rn ( possible trigger warning )

*hugs*

Listen to me when I say you're going to be fine.

Many people struggle finding love and many don't find it til much later in life like late 20's or 30's and 40's.

Just be proactive and sociable or work up to doing that.
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Old November 14th, 2017, 11:12 PM   #3
Lost in the Echo
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Default Re: Not the best time rn ( possible trigger warning )

Quote:
Originally Posted by Uniquemind View Post
*hugs*

Listen to me when I say you're going to be fine.

Many people struggle finding love and many don't find it til much later in life like late 20's or 30's and 40's.

Just be proactive and sociable or work up to doing that.
Thanks I appreciate you.

What I was really referring to though is people in my life abandoning me during this difficult time with the sobriety and depression and all that. Iím not one to really open up to many people. Itís just hard for me to.
It just feels like everyone who I thought loved me and thought I could count on has just been like ďfuck youĒ to me.

Iím used to dealing with problems on my own, but the time I really need someone nobody is there. All my family and friends have pretty much given up on me.

I was probably a little over emotional originally, but I still feel like a nervous wreck. Iím really wanting to get trashed right now, but like I said im trying to overcome that.

Thanks again though.
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Old November 15th, 2017, 12:38 AM   #4
Uniquemind
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Default Re: Not the best time rn ( possible trigger warning )

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lost in the Echo View Post
Thanks I appreciate you.

What I was really referring to though is people in my life abandoning me during this difficult time with the sobriety and depression and all that. I’m not one to really open up to many people. It’s just hard for me to.
It just feels like everyone who I thought loved me and thought I could count on has just been like “fuck you” to me.

I’m used to dealing with problems on my own, but the time I really need someone nobody is there. All my family and friends have pretty much given up on me.

I was probably a little over emotional originally, but I still feel like a nervous wreck. I’m really wanting to get trashed right now, but like I said im trying to overcome that.

Thanks again though.
In that sense we are a lot alike; I too tend to be the advice giver or rock of my friends. It's a tough job, as I'm sure you well know.

It feels bad to also not get the same quality reciprocal help from them when you need it.


But instead of thinking they're intentionally trying to "fuck you" I've since learned that perhaps they're just not equipped, or perhaps they are not gifted that way with the slog they're dealing with.

I think you have to expand hobbies or interests whatever can distract you long enough to work through the pain and learn from it, what you can control about it and what you can't.

Look into the future, and see what could be and if the future looks bleak, ask yourself why it has to be so? Why does it have to be when there are as many case stories of success from bleak beginnings from others to prove no future is absolute in either direction.

Your other post seemed to imply trouble in terms of romance so that's why I took that tone in my previous post.

---

In either case sometimes it's helpful to monologue even curse out those your angry with just to vent...don't always have to wear that polite political correct mask all the time.

I'm personally not a fan of bottling up or suppressing emotions, as a method of controlling them. That's what addicts and substance abuse is, and it's a path I highly advocate against if you're able to avoid it, not everyone can.

Last edited by Uniquemind; November 15th, 2017 at 12:43 AM.
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Old November 21st, 2017, 08:23 PM   #5
Just JT
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Default Re: Not the best time rn ( possible trigger warning )

Think I can speak from some experience but not completely, my dad was an alcoholic, was pretty bad. I get how you feel, Iíve battled my own deamonds in my short life to, but hereís my thought

Seems your self medicating. As it gets harder and harder to stay clean and sober. You been in and out of treatment, and itís getting worse. Are you still in counseling? Are you on any meds to help with the depression?
Whenís the last med eval you had?

Are you in AA?
Do you have a sponsor?

If you do, that person can help
If not, get one.

Until then weíre all here for you bro. Addiction shit is hard, can destroy lives. They can destroy lives you may not realize yet until youíve accomplished blowing your brains out.

You got family? Talk to them
If they donít listen, talk to someone else, family friend, whoever

Iím always willing to talk ok?

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Old November 22nd, 2017, 05:37 AM   #6
Lost in the Echo
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Default Re: Not the best time rn ( possible trigger warning )

Quote:
Originally Posted by Just JT View Post
Think I can speak from some experience but not completely, my dad was an alcoholic, was pretty bad. I get how you feel, Iíve battled my own deamonds in my short life to, but hereís my thought

Seems your self medicating. As it gets harder and harder to stay clean and sober. You been in and out of treatment, and itís getting worse. Are you still in counseling? Are you on any meds to help with the depression?
Whenís the last med eval you had?

Are you in AA?
Do you have a sponsor?

If you do, that person can help
If not, get one.

Until then weíre all here for you bro. Addiction shit is hard, can destroy lives. They can destroy lives you may not realize yet until youíve accomplished blowing your brains out.

You got family? Talk to them
If they donít listen, talk to someone else, family friend, whoever

Iím always willing to talk ok?
Thanks JT

Yeah I never knew how hard stopping drinking would be until I legitimately started trying to stay sober for long haul like 4 months ago.
This previous weekend was all around horrible. Like 3 bottles of whiskey, 40-50 beers and a teener of speed on top of that which made my heart go all crazy.
It was likely too much alcohol and meth, but I almost donít give a fuck anymore.
It was pretty much a situation of accidentally on purpose trying to die if that makes any sense. This is such a dark and scary place. It doesnít even feel like Iím alive anymore.

I actually have my first counseling appointment later this afternoon for the first time in years. Iím trying to be optimistic but counseling has always just been kinda like a band aid for me and nothing long term.
Big thing rn is the overwhelming feeling of nobody genuinely giving a fuck about me seems to keep me in this self-destructive cycle. I feel really empty and lonely and more than ever I just donít give a fuck anymore, you know?

But yeah. Thanks JT, it means a lot.
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Old November 22nd, 2017, 06:52 AM   #7
Wreckless180
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Default Re: Not the best time rn ( possible trigger warning )

Look man I know life can be a fucking bitch, but just believe me. Stay strong and you will get through this. I'm not too wise and I haven't been through any stuff like you are going through so I dunno if this advice will help or not. Do you have anyone close that you can talk to about this such as a family member or a physiologist? It really helps man. Or if you need, feel free to talk to me.

Sometimes I really don't understand life, but we as humans have to go through this. I mean you look at all these fat asses sitting in their pile of money not giving a shit about others. They don't do anything to help people. I know I'm getting a bit off track here but what I'm trying to say is that you will get through this. Hey sometimes people just feel like they don't want a beer and just stop like that. But for now try and get a physiologist. s
Somebody who really knows where you are coming from.

Good luck man, feel free to message me whenever.
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Old November 22nd, 2017, 11:11 AM   #8
Just JT
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Default Re: Not the best time rn ( possible trigger warning )

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lost in the Echo View Post
Thanks JT

Yeah I never knew how hard stopping drinking would be until I legitimately started trying to stay sober for long haul like 4 months ago.
This previous weekend was all around horrible. Like 3 bottles of whiskey, 40-50 beers and a teener of speed on top of that which made my heart go all crazy.
It was likely too much alcohol and meth, but I almost donít give a fuck anymore.
It was pretty much a situation of accidentally on purpose trying to die if that makes any sense. This is such a dark and scary place. It doesnít even feel like Iím alive anymore.

I actually have my first counseling appointment later this afternoon for the first time in years. Iím trying to be optimistic but counseling has always just been kinda like a band aid for me and nothing long term.
Big thing rn is the overwhelming feeling of nobody genuinely giving a fuck about me seems to keep me in this self-destructive cycle. I feel really empty and lonely and more than ever I just donít give a fuck anymore, you know?

But yeah. Thanks JT, it means a lot.
Thatís good actually, counseling is good. And it is a bandaid. It leaves you with a shit ton of work for you to do on your own. You need to want the change. Without the want, it wonít happen.
I get the alone feeling, I really do. I suspect thatís why you got wasted last weekend. Itís a form of self medicating, you felt alone and like shit and got wasted to the pain dies. I get it, been there.

But you arenít alone. There are people in your life right? You may just ďfeelĒ alone. Plus we are here as well.

Hope the session goes well. Let us know ok?

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