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Old November 9th, 2017, 10:33 AM   #1
EssentialAspiration
Junior Member+
 
Join Date: December 14, 2014
Age: 18
Gender: Male
Default Better off dead

Everyday I come closer and closer to the conclusion that the world would be a better place without me. My life is going nowhere and I have no idea how to get myself together. It seems like giving up is on the cards. I've been at university for around a month and I barely show up and barely try, I do not know why and I do not know how to fix myself. I am gaining weight and am doing nothing to change it. I really feel like I am at a dead end. I'm beginning to feel that some people are just destined to fall and are better off dead and that I am one of these people. I am not successful and never will be because for some reason I am incredibly self-destructive. Everyday I think of whether or not I should continue. My reasons for prolonging all of this are becoming fewer. I don't think I will kill myself. I don't think I ever will. But if I had to give a reason as to why I choose to live I would struggle to explain it.
The relationships I form typically do quite well, despite the nature of this post I am generally a fairly upbeat person. However I know that in the long run my self-destructive attitude will affect these relationships and the people I care about. As you begin to delve into a person the way these people have with me, you learn their fears and insecurities and short comings. And in strong relationships with tangible value you seek to help in some manner or to be a piece of the puzzle so to speak. I have incredibly wonderful people in my life who wish me nothing but happiness and they would love to help improve my life. But this simply isn't possible. I am beyond help.

I feel broken. I feel the qualities others have that they utilize to make something of their lives are just not found in myself. I am nobody. I will never be anybody. And I am most probably better off dead.

I apologise for the melancholy nature of this post and the fact that it bares no real purpose other than to wallow further into self-pity. I've no idea why I post here, what I expect to gain or what responses I look for. But I guess it helps to vent. I could never talk to anybody about this in my life, I love them all too much to worry them with my insignificant self-inflicted failures. You people who read these posts are the only people I ever interact with in this manner. And I am thankful to those of you who choose to reply whether it be with advice or sympathy and understanding. You are good people.
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