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Old October 25th, 2017, 09:39 PM   #1
Insecuritea
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Default Comparing myself

I'm not sure if anyone can provide much help, but my boyfriend has had quite a few previous sexual partners before me. I'm his first actual boyfriend though, and the other men were just hookups. He tells me that he never felt anything for them other than wanting to have casual sex, he also told me that he regrets it as it made him feel guilty and disgusting afterwards. Honestly? I believe him, but I can't help but mentally compare myself to the other men he has slept with. Not to be too graphic, but our sex life is good, we both have fun and feel loved and he says that it's 1000x more special than any other sex he's had before, but I can't help myself from thinking that other people have had their hands over him, other men have made him orgasm and it makes me feel less special automatically. I don't invite these thoughts and I hate myself for having them, but I literally cannot stop myself. My boyfriend knows all of this and he is doing all he can to show me that he loves me, but I don't know where to start coping with my thoughts. It's extremely selfish of me because what would realistically make me happy was if he was a virgin and I was his first everything, but obviously that is totally ridiculous of me to expect and therefore I don't hold it against him (or at least I don't want to). Our relationship was and is good, but I worry about these irrational thoughts ruining what we have and I don't know where to start. Has anyone been in a similar situation and may be able to relate or suggest how they dealt with it?
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Old October 26th, 2017, 08:15 AM   #2
mick01
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Default Re: Comparing myself

I understand your boyfriend's thinking. He was anxious to have a sexual experience and just chose what was available to him. And then he totally regretted it because there were no feelings attached. It was a ungratifying physical experience. But now he has an emotional as well as physical attachment to you. There is nothing he can do to undo those hookups. But he has been completely honest with you and doing everything he can to win you over. Sounds like a pretty awesome guy tbh.
So you either need to accept the decisions he made before he met you and love him for who is today, get some professional counseling if it's available to you, or end it with him and find someone who has never been with another person before.
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Old October 26th, 2017, 05:25 PM   #3
Julien C.
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Default Re: Comparing myself

Quote:
Originally Posted by mick01 View Post
I understand your boyfriend's thinking. He was anxious to have a sexual experience and just chose what was available to him. And then he totally regretted it because there were no feelings attached. It was a ungratifying physical experience. But now he has an emotional as well as physical attachment to you. There is nothing he can do to undo those hookups. But he has been completely honest with you and doing everything he can to win you over. Sounds like a pretty awesome guy tbh.
So you either need to accept the decisions he made before he met you and love him for who is today, get some professional counseling if it's available to you, or end it with him and find someone who has never been with another person before.

To mick,

Bravo!

Such a "Grown Up and Thoughtful" answer to a complicated situation.

This thing called 'Life' is never easy.

I think you're right! I feel that professional counseling and just sharing his thoughts and feelings with us and each other will help him get through this.


To Insecuritea,

Don't be 'Insecure' about it.

Think about it this way.

After being with 'Others', your BF chooses to be with you.

As human beings, we all want and need to be 'Loved'.

Which of course is different from wanting and having sex.

If you truly 'Love' someone, having sex with each other should be about
pleasing your partner first, not about getting off for your own gratification.

In your case, it seems like you have all the qualities to have a long, lasting and loving relationship.
Try 'Not' to make a big deal out of it.
You don't want to drive him away from you.

I wish you all the best.

Please keep us updated when you have the time.

Oh... Welcome to VT.

I hope this helps you.

-Julien
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Old October 27th, 2017, 04:35 PM   #4
jamie_n5
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Default Re: Comparing myself

You have to believe your BF. Yes he has had other partners. He was honest and up front enough to tell you about them. I can see it's quite normal to be jealous and want to know how you compare or stand up to the others. You just have to forget about those guys and know how much he loves you and wants you. You said you have a great sex life and relationship. So just go on with this relationship knowing full well that you are his number one and he loves you physically, mentally and spiritually. You have it made man just enjoy life with him.

I am gay and happy with that.
I love talking to people very open & willing to listen.
I am also glad to try help with questions or problems.
Hit me up for anything. I promise I don't bite.
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Old October 31st, 2017, 12:26 AM   #5
NewLeafsFan
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Default Re: Comparing myself

I think that it's great that the two of you have such an honest relationship.

I'm straight but and I want a relationship. If I was given the opportunity to hook up today I still would.


Canada / Sport Management (Hockey) Major / Straight / Left-Wing Progressive / 18 yrs old

Cedrick Desjardins
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Old November 4th, 2017, 07:32 PM   #6
Just JT
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Default Re: Comparing myself

First welcome to VT!!

Second, donít know howís old you are, but look at it like this. The older you get, the less likely itíll be you find someone who hasnít had previous sexual partners. Only makes sense. Itís part of growing up.

Seems to me that @mick01 and @Junien C. Are giving you great advice. Take it.

Your BF is a special guy ya no? Heís being completely honest with you about his past so thereís no surprises in the future, seems to me heís taking a risk by doing that. Cause heís into you. And that only comes by a couple times in life bro

Take that to, heís worth it, find a way to get past it. Having past sexual partners is very common. Donít you have any?
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