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Old October 25th, 2017, 08:47 PM   #1
Sailor Mars
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Default I知 the worst type of person...

...a depressed perfectionist.

My grades? I have 80s and 90s... Not good enough. I worry about how it will reflect on my average and on my GPA, and how I won’t get into college because my grades are shit.

My extracurriculars? I’m the starting setter on my school’s volleyball team and one little mistake and i feel like crying. I had a game today and we didn’t even get past 7 points in the second set (not at all my fault, objectively speaking), and I cried after the game on the walk to the train. “What could I have done better? I could have ran faster. I could have set better. My sets aren’t good enough. I’m not good enough.”

My social life? I hardly see my best friends anymore because I’m so fucking busy, and the only social interaction I have is because of school. I’m too tired and depressed to actually reach out and go hang out with people. I feel bad I’m being left behind by my friends because they have their own lives and they have their own circle of friends and they do shit, while I don’t.

My personal life? A fucking shipwreck. My family here is fucked up. My mom lives in another country (I’ve thought of moving to live with her, but I have no idea), my dad and stepmom are constantly fighting, my stepmom has major anger issues and temper tantrums which are completely unbearable, and I hardly see my brother anymore (who, even though he’s annoying at times, has been a rather stable support and comfort system) because he’s so busy with work. We are not financially well off and I constantly worry about money and being able to do things in the future, like me having to get a job and what I’m going to do for college... speaking of...

My future: I honestly don’t even want to live long enough to have to decide shit for my future. College? Careers? It makes me sick and anxious to think about it, honestly.

College? I have no idea. I’m so fucking stressed and worried about what my SAT scores are going to be, how I’m going to pay for college, how far I’m going to be from home, having to be in a whole new place potentially... I’m so fucking paranoid about everything and I constantly overthink things. I’m not good enough to get any scholarships, I have no idea how to apply for grants or financial aid, and I don’t want to live the rest of my life in debt or with this cloud hanging over my head.

Career? Sure, I know what I want to do, generally speaking. But I have no idea how to get there and no idea who to ask.

I’m just really fucking worthless and average and not good enough and it’s killing me. Thinking about the future and the present and everything is stressing me the point to tears... daily...

I don’t even know what to do anymore and I hate writing this shit and about my problems because it makes me feel worse. I have trouble getting up in the mornings and honestly, when I go to sleep sometimes I pray to not wake up. I’m so fucking tired of dealing with drama and dealing with my own insignificant problems

"The head may err, but never the blood.
Nice salt pouch, asshole
barely getting bi

~Endeavour was here~
~Mike Was Here~
Elysium is the one tru brodie
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Old October 25th, 2017, 10:08 PM   #2
Dalcourt
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Default Re: I知 the worst type of person...

I read your post, went away to read other stuff and came back to read it again. So
maybe things in it felt familiar.

First of all don't feel bad for writing it...it's okay to get like that sometimes. Your problems aren't insignificant and you are a great person.

I really would want to be able to tell you what to do to feel better but honestly I feel so insecure and unsure about some things you said myself. The whole future and college thing. I know what I want but have no idea what I have to do to get it and I don't even wanna think about the money part. I dunno about your school but mine offers counselling hours for career stuff where you can inform yourself without your parents. I don't feel like going there but maybe it makes things easier. (Or worse)

I understand you want to give your best and be perfect and I used to try so hard, too, but not really anymore. It's not that I became a slacker now...I still work for my grades, extracurriculars and so on but I just pull out of it when I feel it overwhelms me.
It is still an ongoing process but I found the balance between pursuing my goals and being happy even without ever reaching them.

I can't really give you an advice on how to do this since I am a completely different personality. But as you said: you are overthinking ...I drove myself crazy with that...but I felt it just isn't worth it and doesn't get you anywhere. So forget about what ifs and playing out future scenarios ...it never works like that anyway.

So don't beat yourself up about stuff and don't think about stuff too much...that's how I usually get through bad times.

Yeah not the greatest advice I know.
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Old October 27th, 2017, 08:51 AM   #3
Sailor Mars
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Default Re: I知 the worst type of person...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dalcourt View Post
I read your post, went away to read other stuff and came back to read it again. So
maybe things in it felt familiar.

First of all don't feel bad for writing it...it's okay to get like that sometimes. Your problems aren't insignificant and you are a great person.

I really would want to be able to tell you what to do to feel better but honestly I feel so insecure and unsure about some things you said myself. The whole future and college thing. I know what I want but have no idea what I have to do to get it and I don't even wanna think about the money part. I dunno about your school but mine offers counselling hours for career stuff where you can inform yourself without your parents. I don't feel like going there but maybe it makes things easier. (Or worse)

I understand you want to give your best and be perfect and I used to try so hard, too, but not really anymore. It's not that I became a slacker now...I still work for my grades, extracurriculars and so on but I just pull out of it when I feel it overwhelms me.
It is still an ongoing process but I found the balance between pursuing my goals and being happy even without ever reaching them.

I can't really give you an advice on how to do this since I am a completely different personality. But as you said: you are overthinking ...I drove myself crazy with that...but I felt it just isn't worth it and doesn't get you anywhere. So forget about what ifs and playing out future scenarios ...it never works like that anyway.

So don't beat yourself up about stuff and don't think about stuff too much...that's how I usually get through bad times.

Yeah not the greatest advice I know.
Thanks. I wasn稚 expected advice or even anyone to reply, but knowing I知 not the only person that does this is relieving in a sick sort of way.

It gets overwhelming sometimes and it痴 hard to keep in and it fucking sucks...

But least we here for each other huh?

"The head may err, but never the blood.
Nice salt pouch, asshole
barely getting bi

~Endeavour was here~
~Mike Was Here~
Elysium is the one tru brodie
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Old October 27th, 2017, 11:43 AM   #4
rioo
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Default Re: I知 the worst type of person...

sometimes overthinking is actually good. but seems you need to give time for something that can gain to your career . and also you need to get fun with that.
Do you like art? painting , writing , photography drama , acting, or sculpt. (and alot more in art).
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Old October 27th, 2017, 12:52 PM   #5
bougainvillea
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Default Re: I知 the worst type of person...

Like Dalcourt, so many things in there rang so true...

It's good to get it out, what I'm guessing is that you can't vent out your feelings that much but hopefully doing so on here helped you out, even in the short term. As a perfectionist like yourself, I like to see everything down on a paper or screen. And I like to organise things too so writing down my thoughts and organising them helps me feel less disassociated and detached, even if it's singular thoughts on little paper scraps and moving them around and connecting them together. It might sound a little superficial and dumb, but it kinda works for me.

As for your future, I know this is sometimes the worst thing to hear but so many people are in the same boat as you, maybe even your peers and you may not even know about it. Are they so sure on their life plan and colleges? Do they even have an idea of a career path?

My first thought from all of this is that you need to take a step back for a little while and trust me I know how that's so much easier said than done and I can't even do that myself. Dedicate some time to yourself every now and again, treat yourself. After a hard game? Get a nice bath. Watch some anime. Even if it's for a small slot a week, say a Friday night or whenever works for you, set some time away for some personal you time. Meditate. Learn about mindfulness and practise.

Also, I'm here, you know how to contact me. I'm not always 100% on with my advice but I can guarantee a metaphorical shoulder to lean on and mine is pretty comfy.

Sending some love and hugs your way.

bougainvillea ~ help and advice moderator
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Old October 28th, 2017, 04:59 PM   #6
Anniebanannie
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Default Re: I知 the worst type of person...

Maybe its the depression that's making everything seem too hard to handle. Are you able to talk to a counselor/therapist to help you find a way out of the depression or at least help you get things into more perspective? You're in a lot of pain right now, and it's good that you're reaching out!

I'm having a great time here. I'm open to chat, too.
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Old October 28th, 2017, 07:41 PM   #7
Just JT
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Default Re: I知 the worst type of person...

I think we池e like on a brink of a shit ton of change and new shit in our lives. We池e all about the same age and maybe same place in time maybe?
I think yeah as time goes on we find we池e involved deeper into stuff we didn稚 think would happen a year ago or whatever. If that makes any sense.

And all that changes perspective priorities AND what we池e accustomed to doing or experiencing.

Think that痴 what they call growing up. And I知 not really happy about some of that shit either tbh. I like SOME stuff the way it was a couple years ago, but now I think we池e all kinda faced with new challenges and experiences that kinda force us to become more of who we are. And we might feel conflicted in that change as we move from comfort to something new and maybe something we don稚 know so we値l, and outside our comfort zone.

Think it just takes time maybe?

Does that make sense?

Dam, did I just say all that?

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Old October 29th, 2017, 02:54 PM   #8
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Default Re: I知 the worst type of person...

You are being way too hard on yourself and you are being your own worst enemy. It sounds to me like you are living an exemplary life and doing well. Your GPA should be great and you shouldn't have any problem with the SAT's either. Find some way to relax your mind and quit stewing about yourself. I know that being a perfectionist can really actually ruin your life. So please love yourself for who you are and find a way to mellow out.

I am gay and happy with that.
I love talking to people very open & willing to listen.
I am also glad to try help with questions or problems.
Hit me up for anything. I promise I don't bite.
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