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Old June 3rd, 2017, 01:14 AM   #1
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Join Date: June 3, 2017
Gender: Cisgender Female
Default could this be schizophrenia?

I guess the first thing I'm going to say is that I do not have health insurance or any way to get help right this second, but I'd like to explain what has been happening around me and inside of me to get some opinions on what could be going on. Any replies would help me determine whether I should bring up the possibility of schizophrenia to a future doctor.

For about five years, ever since my mother and father separated, I have been developing some issues. I had to drop out of school because I began experiencing severe anxiety that made it impossible for me to walk to school without bawling my eyes out and running home. I was constantly in fear of people asking where I've been, or what has been happening with me. This gave me crippling depression, where I would stay in bed for most of the day and get up only to eat or use the bathroom. Eventually, my mother got me mental help and I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I was fine with this diagnosis for a while, but I had this nagging feeling that it was something else. During the day, I could have a good day and go outside, talk with my family and neighbors, and seem somewhat normal. On bad days, I was apathetic aside from extreme anger. I get angry very easily, anything and everything can and will get me upset. Little things, and very rarely would I actually see a big problem as a problem at all. My reactions were screwed up.
A few years later, my boyfriend and his family invited me to live with him in the new house his father bought, we would all live together. I accepted. His mother is Korean and very strict, which I wasn't used to since my mother was quite easygoing. I had a hard time doing the chores she assigned me as I slept most of the time away, which made her upset. Unfortunately, her seemingly uncaring and unforgiving nature made me snap and I screamed at her that she reminded me of how horrible I felt about myself, and that she was the one giving me anxiety. I was kicked out. Ever since that happened 5 or 4 months ago, I've been experiencing really odd things. I normally have a very very hard time putting my thoughts to words, so I am enjoying the clarity I have to be able to write this. I will write a list of what I have noticed these past months.
  • Hostility
  • Hypersensitivity (unable to cope with criticism or disapproval)
  • Impaired memory (often time I have a hard time remembering what happened the day before) and concentration (it is hard for me to read difficult literature. For example, I was in advanced reading/English classes, but I could not understand anything I read in To Kill a Mockingbird. )
  • Unable to express emotions accordingly
  • Empty gaze (often time I do this when I am in deep thought, some people accuse me of staring. I also tend to tilt my head to my right quite an extreme amount, I don't know why this happens when I am concentrating, but it does. Spine problem??)
  • Oversleeping/always tired
  • Delusions (If food tastes weird when it normally doesn't, I worry that it is poisoned, even if it is made by someone I would normally trust. I tend to worry about being stalked if I see the same stranger twice, or if I hear knocking or old house noises at night I feel that someone knows I'm awake. If I see some demeaning word in what I read, I automatically assume it's about me even though I shouldn't. I've had times where I thought I was half-cat, a very powerful demon or the "chosen one", or even a vampire/werewolf, or able to withstand the cold because I had ice powers--I once went outside in only a t-shirt when it was snowing, not my brightest moment. Keep in mind these were not children fantasies, the most recent delusion I had was a month ago and that I was a succubus, I am 19.)
  • Hallucinations (Hearing mumbles, or often time my name being called by a family member. Mistaking water for blood, looking in a mirror and seeing my face distort or get cracked, and seeing shadow creatures that I can tell right away what they are. A cat, or maybe a dog or maybe a human being. It isn't just a blob. This happens often, and they do move. I look in the direction of the hallucination and it fades slowly.)
  • Intrusive, disturbing thoughts that come out of nowhere
  • Disorganized behavior (lack of impulse control/inhibitions, hygiene, eating too much or not eating)
  • Agitated or repeated movements (I bounce my leg all the time, even if I am not anxious. It happens randomly.)
  • Lack of interest or enthusiasm
  • Besides the clarity I have right now, I normally have speech difficulties (loose connections and trailing thoughts, or very short replies or unable to reply at all)
  • Racing thoughts or thoughts being "sucked" right out of my head (thought blocking?)
  • Dissociation? (sometimes anger will take over me, and in the back of my head I know I shouldn't be hitting my mom or sister or saying such mean things, but I can't stop. It's like I'm watching myself hurt the people I love, and I can't do anything about it.)

Some few notes that may also help.
I take Lexapro for my anxiety and depression, which has helped me a large amount. I do not fear talking to people I know well, but I still feel iffy about strangers. I've noticed that my auditory hallucinations get worse when I am off of my meds, such as the (auditory)words turn into sentences telling me to self harm. I do not know if this is connected, but it is interesting.
I also take Hydroxyzine for if and when I have a panic attack. I am allowed to take up to 4 a day, but rarely do I even touch them to begin with.

I know this is long, and I apologize, but please lend me any knowledge and ask any questions if you want. Thank you.

Last edited by medicine; June 4th, 2017 at 02:13 PM.
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Old June 5th, 2017, 11:35 PM   #2
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Name: Jason
Join Date: July 26, 2016
Location: California
Age: 16
Gender: Male
Default Re: could this be schizophrenia?

Yep i think you have schizophrenia. At least judging by the symptoms.
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