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Old May 13th, 2017, 10:35 PM   #1
Dalcourt
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Default Feeling at war with yourself - my bipolar diary

Right now I'm going through another episode of deep depression.
The sun is shining, people are happy and laughing while I feel like spending my days in bed in a dark room crying all the time.
I lack motivation for even the smallest things.

I should be happy since in less than three weeks I should be able to go back home, something I wished for since I came here. Still all I feel is sadness and resignation.
Depression is there for a few weeks now, so it should vanish soon.
Other sign I got really irritated over almost nothing today...so seems like mania will arrive soon. Scary thing: the being irritated.I hate getting mad since I get unreasonably mad,aggressive. I also hurt myself to calm my anger today. Again.This spiral needs to stop somehow.
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Old May 16th, 2017, 02:27 PM   #2
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Default Re: Feeling at war with yourself - my bipolar diary

I don't have the same dark feelings I had a couple of days ago. But instead of the hoped for good feelings my sadness is replaced by being irritated at the slightest things.

I feel like everyone in this world made it their goal to annoy me.To be honest I hate being around people at the moment. I want to be somewhere far away where nobody else is around. I don't want to be mean or hurt people's feelings so I try not to talk too much to anyone.
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Old May 19th, 2017, 09:37 PM   #3
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Default Re: Feeling at war with yourself - my bipolar diary

My sleeping is totally messed up. For days I have only slept maybe two hours a day. It's bad. I'm not tired but it's unhealthy for my body if it doesn't get better.
I'm just in my bed listening to music the whole night. My guardians mustn't know about it. They just worry. My thoughts are just running and I can't think anything through. It's all mixed up. I really want this to stop.
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Old May 23rd, 2017, 08:57 PM   #4
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Default Re: Feeling at war with yourself - my bipolar diary

I still don't feel any better. Messed up sleep and my thoughts are racing. I can't concentrate on anything no matter how hard I try to stay focused. Had a phone call from a friend today and he had to tell me at least twice to listen since he noticed how my thoughts drifted away and I couldn't listen to him anymore. Really embarrassing and awful.

I'm always bad at decision making but I feel like this time trying to make a real important decisions has messed up my mind completely.
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Old May 28th, 2017, 09:38 PM   #5
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Default Re: Feeling at war with yourself - my bipolar diary

I know I should feel good since I can go back to my home. I wanted it and of course still want it. Why I am so anxious about it then. I feel sad and afraid nearly panicking.

I talked to my guardian she isn't happy to let me go. She wants me save.She is worried about high crime rates where I live. Never really worried about that one but I understand her.

We have booked the flight. There's no turning back now anyway. I just want to be more happy about it.
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Old May 30th, 2017, 09:37 PM   #6
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Default Re: Feeling at war with yourself - my bipolar diary

I'm really kinda panicking today. Dunno why I just feel like something really bad will happen and I can't do nothing.

I hope my decisions were right and I haven't destroyed everything with them. No I don't hope. I know. Sure it wasn't bad the other way but it wasn't good either.
I made some interesting experiences, saw things I never thought I'd see. But as a whole everything felt wrong. I wasn't allowed to be me anymore. Deep down I felt bad every single day. I can't even explain those feelings to myself so I understand when the others say my decision was utterly stupid.

This is the reason I can't be happy about it now. I now it's right but I can't explain why.So there is these dark shadows lingering over everything . I'm not sure if it will be okay again one day, maybe it's already too late.
If I made a mistake then it's like that now there is no other way.
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Old June 12th, 2017, 05:46 AM   #7
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Default Re: Feeling at war with yourself - my bipolar diary

The fine line between mania and happiness.
I have been in a dark place of self doubt and depression for a long time. But finally there is the sun again.
It all started out with this after church discussion. It gave me a lot of confidence and showed me who I am and that I really want the right thing.
Hyped like that I had my happy fuzzy feeling all day.
As I said elsewhere I did some quite irresponsible shopping and alarming signal of feeling high and mania settling in. I also did some thinking and found I had to ban some really unhealthy factors from my life. I tried to feel my way through this...is it just a whim during mania? Would I regret it later? I was really frightened to wake up this morning and realise I made a huge mistake.

So not really sleeping much and not feeling the need to another bad sign.
Finally slept and waking up I felt great.

I was right. I feel good. I feel free.
A person I truly love told me: you know who you are and I know who you really are...so just fuck the rest.
I don't need to try to be someone else to be like. I don't need to lie and swallow other people's shit just to be liked.

So for once after a long time I feel genuinely happy. I'm relieved of a burden I know where I stand and where I wanna go. Everything feels right. I'm doing good.
At last.
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Old June 13th, 2017, 06:31 AM   #8
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Default Re: Feeling at war with yourself - my bipolar diary

Still feeling like I need no sleep but apart from that I'm doing really good.

Was a good day celebrated my Grandma's birthday in her own very unique way.
I get along so much better with her now.Seems we finally found each other as a family.
Doctors appointment today...check up on my lungs, Gran insisted but I feel healthy so it's just a waste of money imo.

I had some pretty triggering stuff going on but I didn't crumble. I'm doing good.

Dad's good too so what more could I wish for atm.
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Old June 19th, 2017, 05:48 AM   #9
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Default Re: Feeling at war with yourself - my bipolar diary

I feel optimistic I can't say anything else.
I don't have therapy I'm not on meds but I function like a normal human being.
Sure things aren't always smooth...but there was a thing ahead I really didn't wanna do and hey I was lucky. The whole issue solved itself. Usually I overthink things I dread to do but this time I hardly thought about it at all. I just felt like once the day is there I'll find a solution. And then the whole thing was cancelled.
Of course not forever but still I was lucky and didn't ruin my mood with thinking too much.
I told myself to stay optimistic and it worked.
I haven't felt this positive in years.
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Old June 21st, 2017, 10:54 PM   #10
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Default Re: Feeling at war with yourself - my bipolar diary

I had an ugly fight with a very good friend yesterday.
It upset me a lot...nearly threw me back into self-harming. Luckily I didn't give in.

Fighting with someone you thought you like and you thought likes you is a strange thing. It makes you realise a lot about yourself.
Why did I get mad? He dumps all his problems on me, expectsome solutions from me and sympathy...do I give it? Sure with everything I can.
Do I get a thank you? Is he there for me when I need something? No...
So after a couple of frantic texts and calls I couldn't help but tell him being friends is not just about taking but also about giving.

He got real mad ... like real mean mad, so I just stopped talking to him. I just didn't feel like getting into useless arguments. This just eats up all my energy.

Getting away from toxic people. My therapist at the hospital told me this is very important.
I just have a tendency to let others use me she told me. I don't know guess it's true. If I once started liking someone I stick to them even if they treat me like crap. She explained how bad this is for me...how I don't have a high opinion of myself...stuff like that.
Well guess that's the story of my life.
So I was told if a relationship gets toxic I should stand up for myself and tell the other that I can't go on like that.

So I kinda did to my friend. He got nasty since he is used to my just running at his command. I didn't feel like discussing anymore. So I stayed home and didn't answer or even look at my phone.

Today I got a lengthy text message as apology. He promised he'd do better.
Do I believe him? Not really...do I get back with him? Sure...old habits die hard.
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Old June 25th, 2017, 08:24 PM   #11
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Default Re: Feeling at war with yourself - my bipolar diary

I don't know how I should talk about how I feel without accidently triggering others who might read this by chance.

I have not self harmed in over a week or so.
I felt at peace even though a couple of stressful things happened so there was no need to control feelingso that threatened to overwhelm me.

Last night I had my ex? boyfriend over.
We used to argue a lot in the past since he isn't actually a nice person but I felt like I needed him. I didn't have sex in quite some time so I kinda manipulated him into it.
I know it was wrong to do this but I don't feel like it was wrong. Usually I would feel bad but I'm just confused why I don't feel bad at all.
Being with him actually felt better than I felt in ages. I don't understand.

He feels we are back together now. I have no real feelings for him anymore I just felt good with him last night but apart from that I'm not sure at all.

I was thinking about him the whole day and I'm just more and more confused.

When I waited for my grandma after church I just sat there opening a wound on my arm where I had accidently cut myself a few days ago. It didn't hurt much but was taking my mind off. But I know it's the wrong thing to do.

I'm not sure how I should go on. I can't do these things to get a clear mind. I can't restart this relationship but I also can't tell him...and a part of me doesn't want him to go away.
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Old July 2nd, 2017, 01:04 AM   #12
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Default Re: Feeling at war with yourself - my bipolar diary

I'm not around much at the moment. Life is pretty busy. Usually I hate stress it makes me aggressive but at the moment I'm calm and happy.

One of my cats is ill...I'm sure he has to go soon. I thought I would lose him last Friday as he was in a real bad state. But we took him to the vet and he seems better again. Sure it won't last and I have to prepare myself to let him go but I don't wanna think about it. I know deep down I have accepted it and he, too, so we just see every day as a gift now.
I want to keep this positive for his sake and my other cat guy's sake. So even if it's sad and I feel like crying I am not depressed but happy and grateful for our time together.
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Old July 8th, 2017, 11:49 PM   #13
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Default Re: Feeling at war with yourself - my bipolar diary

These days is a horrible anniversary. My life has gone downward a great deal since these events.
But now? Things seem to look up. I find it scary how calm and positive I am.

I was down for so long I felt like not even remember how to be happy.

I hope it's not just my illness playing tricks on me but the good feeling seems genuine.

I have learnt so many things about myself and I have learnt so much about others.

Sometimes forgiveness really works as sometimes people who do bad things are really just victims themselves.

Sometimes people need to face a catastrophy to wake up and take their lives in their own hands.

Sometimes you are surprised by how loyal and genuine people can be. People are true to you and real friends in need.

And sometimes you sadly have to learn how false and selfish people are. So called friends that come and dump their shit on you and just want you to tell them they are always right and the greatest but then you give them honest words God forbid. They will show their true face one way or other.

I might have seemed mean to people close to me this last month since I sorta got rid off so many people in real life and online. But it just isn't healthy for me...I'm my own person and can't just say yes to whatever bullshit.
I have wasted already too much of my life trying to make others to like me but this has to stop now whoever doesn't like me okay I won't change myself and my opinions and principles to be more likeable.

As a whole I have grown so much over this year...mentally, physically I'm afraid I'll never grow...lmao...

But in all honesty I would have never made it alone. I had my grandma, my best real life friend and my best online friend.
Without those people I would not have survived that year.
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Old July 11th, 2017, 09:33 PM   #14
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Default Re: Feeling at war with yourself - my bipolar diary

For some time now I have been questioning online friendships.

I mean I have my one best online friend I know I can tell everthing and vice versa. Sure we not always agree 100% on everything but accepting other opinions and views is part of being good friends.

Some time ago I was hugely disappointed by some other people I thought I could be friends with. Not even remotely trying to understand why I could have a different opinion on things, well it saddened me but that's how it is. I just see it now as another lesson learned.

And today I was getting surprised receiving a message out of the blue. It was so nice and honest it really made my day. And it showed me that there are still some genuine people left here on this forums. People who are not just trolls, fakes or attention seekers.

It may sound totally silly but it made me insanely happy.
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Old July 13th, 2017, 10:56 AM   #15
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Default Re: Feeling at war with yourself - my bipolar diary

I'm having a crush. I don't want to have feelings. Friends yeah but I can't deal with more. Feelings are bad at the moment.
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Old July 16th, 2017, 10:47 PM   #16
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Default Re: Feeling at war with yourself - my bipolar diary

I am doing good and I'm functioning.
Like whatever I have to do I get done. I do my job and I spend time with friends and family. Like everything is fine. As a whole I feel good. I don't have any problems.

But I always have this dull pain deep inside me. Not a real physical pain. It's and unsettling feeling that pulls from the inside.
Whenever I am alone and have time to think it increases till it seems to be unbearable.
So I fill every minute of my life with something...no matter what just to be busy. Whenever I am alone I read listen to music etc. I try to be with other people even though I'd rather be alone.
I don't wanna have this feeling. It kinda makes me paranoid.

I am so feel like I can't concentrate. I get my stuff done so nobody would suspect a thing but the way I do completely without any structure. Everything is just chaotic...I stand within a complete mess doing 5 seconds of this and 5 seconds of hat task. Luckily it always works out in the end but for how long?

I feel like I can't listen to people. I just zone out not hearing what they say at all. I greatly annoy my grandma and friends with it. But I just can't help it.

Gran says it's all just as I am worried about my cat who is terminally ill.

So this stresses me out. Stress is an enormous trigger for me. So that's basically it....my whole life is in turmoil just because of it. That's what I hate so much about my bipolar.

I really work hard to stay "normal" on the outside but to think that this will be very change...from the rest of my life. It sometimes scares me a lot.
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Old July 24th, 2017, 12:26 PM   #17
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Default Re: Feeling at war with yourself - my bipolar diary

I have a lot on my mind. I need to make decisions but I'm dreading it. Decision making is just not in my nature. I really hate it.

I just keep myself busy with different things as I don't wanna think about the important stuff but I know that it is all inevitable.
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Old July 28th, 2017, 03:21 PM   #18
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Default Re: Feeling at war with yourself - my bipolar diary

I have hardly slept this week and I am hardly eating garbage anything.
I'm always occupied and still full of energy. Everyone at my work is surprised by this...well me not so much.
Last night I got pretty drunk. Since I didn't have alcohol for ages and didn't eat the whole day it wasn't that much I had really. But there's no hangover or anything should be happy I guess.

But honestly it's not really a reason to be...it can end up real dangerous. So let's hope for the best.

Ah well, break is over and it's back to work.
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Old July 30th, 2017, 11:18 PM   #19
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Default Re: Feeling at war with yourself - my bipolar diary

So yeah I never had any great decision making skills on certain matters. Moreover it's just not use to tell your decision to certain people as they don't listen to you anyway.
My status is now person A is still officially my boyfriend and that mainly because he thinks he is.
I let my crush sleep at my place on Saturday not only at my place but in my bed. No great decision at all since it could cause trouble.
But honestly I don't even care at the moment.

My focus is on my job and not my love life to be honest. I wanna pursue my career and the other is just fun but nothing serious at all.

My problem usually is having to much feelings...to be too passionateand therefore never I never get somewhere cuz usually I just get overwhelmed after a while.

Strangely at the moment I could care less about those things that usually would really get to me.
So neither jealous boyfriends, nor cute crushes, nor pathetic forumers with no life, nor my family who always wants to tell me what to do and how to do it overwhelm me or get me off my track.
I'm really glad and hope it stays like that.
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Old August 6th, 2017, 09:57 PM   #20
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Default Re: Feeling at war with yourself - my bipolar diary

Been away for a couple of days. It was insightful. The place was beautiful.
I was glad to get away from everyone and everything from a while.People are exhausting.They usually want uou to do something or want to talk about something.

Especially the talking part is so hard sometimes. I just don't feel like it and also don't feel like writing are message or email.

I don't do much talking so being away with Mr.KKK was great as he isn't into talking either and didn't force me to talk.
I really needed to write to a friend did but I can't.
It's so hard to describe. I am not depressed or anything just don't wanna talk. Usually I have to talk so much all day but at times I feel I just can't.
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