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Old August 19th, 2013, 03:21 AM   #1
iHelp
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Default First time.

There, I did it for the first time. Maybe I'm not that strong after all? Maybe everything I have ever said to myself were all LIES. I thought that life is easy if you just smile. Well, it isn't. There is just that crying, grieving and wounded heart behind all those smiles. It's just a mask to cover who you really are. Maybe I am vulnerable after all? I thought it was so easy for people to say to them selves that "I shouldn't do this. I am more than everything I have dealt with." well, it isn't that easy. What is wrong with me? That time I just flicked out, I didn't know what to do. Although I know that this wasn't the solution I still did it. Maybe I just couldn't handle the emotion? Well, I'm tired of it. It's only 3 light cuts anyways. I hope I wouldn't repeat this ever again. Cause it's really hard to hide it.

Thinking that I kept on telling people about not cutting. Encouraging them atleast. But now, here I am, doing the opposite of what I tell people. I thought it was easy, but it isn't.

But how come I don't feel anything? I don't feel ashamed, and I don't regret it too . Yet I'm not happy with it either .. Weird.

You are more than the choices you should've made,
You are more than the sum of all of your past mistakes,

you are more than the problems you create,
YOU'VE BEEN REMADE.


-You Are More, Tenth Avenue North
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Old August 19th, 2013, 06:57 AM   #2
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Default Re: First time.

Cutting sends a variation of emotions around your mind, everyone seems to feel different things from it but not feeling anything isn't particularly unusual. You know yourself cutting isn't going to help anything so try to keep fighting, you're better than cutting, you're stronger than cutting even if you're doubting yourself right now you are stronger than you think. Self harm is a battle against yourself, it's not like arguing with another person, you know all your weaknesses, all your strengths and bizarre as it sounds you play them against yourself to make things like self harm seem like a logical solution at the time, which of course as you know it isn't. Don't give up, don't stop fighting

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Old August 19th, 2013, 09:07 AM   #3
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Default Re: First time.

You are stronger than this. you aren't weak. You know that you shouldn't have done it, which gives you an advantage. use it. Emotion wise, the first time you kinda do feel nothing but it only worsens as you do more and they it becomes harder to stop. And everything Nat said is also valid.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Me
We hate the struggle of fighting the urges, but don't quit. suffer now, then live as a champion as you over came your battles.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Skillet
What if I just pulled myself together, Would it matter at all, What if I just try not to remember, Would it matter at all
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Old August 19th, 2013, 11:37 AM   #4
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Default Re: First time.

Quote:
Originally Posted by iHelp View Post
There, I did it for the first time. Maybe I'm not that strong after all? Maybe everything I have ever said to myself were all LIES. I thought that life is easy if you just smile. Well, it isn't. There is just that crying, grieving and wounded heart behind all those smiles. It's just a mask to cover who you really are. Maybe I am vulnerable after all? I thought it was so easy for people to say to them selves that "I shouldn't do this. I am more than everything I have dealt with." well, it isn't that easy. What is wrong with me? That time I just flicked out, I didn't know what to do. Although I know that this wasn't the solution I still did it. Maybe I just couldn't handle the emotion? Well, I'm tired of it. It's only 3 light cuts anyways. I hope I wouldn't repeat this ever again. Cause it's really hard to hide it.

Thinking that I kept on telling people about not cutting. Encouraging them atleast. But now, here I am, doing the opposite of what I tell people. I thought it was easy, but it isn't.

But how come I don't feel anything? I don't feel ashamed, and I don't regret it too . Yet I'm not happy with it either .. Weird.
Life gets tough, it's not all rainbows and sunshine the whole way through. A lot of people feel the same way. They try to hide behind a mask of happiness, even though on the inside they are practically crumbling. It's only natural to keep telling yourself not to do it. You never really want to self harm for the first time, or any other time. You keep telling yourself you won't do it and then suddenly here you are.

I tell everyone not to cut. I tell them it's not worth it, I give them numerous ways to stop if they've started. Yet, I barely have the ability to take my own advice. I'm only clean for two days now.

Self harming never gives the results we all hope it will. We think physical pain will relieve the mental anguish we suffer. If it relieves anything it's only for a few short moments, then we (well some of us not all) feel nothing. no guilt for doing it, no shame, no anything. We (again not all of us) aren't happy about it either since it is hard to hide the scars.

I suggest you try your hardest not to do it again no need to start an addiction to it...
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Old August 20th, 2013, 12:48 AM   #5
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Default

Thanks real much guys ... I'm glad I have this VT. Seriously, thanks to all of you. .. I'll try my best to not do it again. Cause it's never the solution. And it never helps. It may but it's only for a short period of time. Well, this is my other side, my side behind my mask of happiness. What my surroundings see is a great leader, strong, happy. But this is my other side. Thanks guys ..

Quote:
Originally Posted by suicidalbutter View Post
Life gets tough, it's not all rainbows and sunshine the whole way through. A lot of people feel the same way. They try to hide behind a mask of happiness, even though on the inside they are practically crumbling.
That was just beautiful. Best words I have ever read. It touched me through my bones. Thanks.

You are more than the choices you should've made,
You are more than the sum of all of your past mistakes,

you are more than the problems you create,
YOU'VE BEEN REMADE.


-You Are More, Tenth Avenue North

Last edited by Harley Quinn; August 20th, 2013 at 07:25 PM. Reason: merging
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Old August 20th, 2013, 01:18 AM   #6
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Default Re: First time.

Please, don't self-harm it isn't worth it. I live with my dad after my parents split up after 26 years together. We were without a car, job, and lived out in the middle of nowhere. We eventually got a deal on a truck and fixed it up for a little bit of money, now my dad is able to get a job and pay the bills more stable. Don't give up.



" It's the game of life. Do I win or do I lose? One day they're gonna shut the game down. I gotta have as much fun and go around the board as many times as I can before it's my turn to leave. " -Tupac Shakur, R.I.P 1996
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Old August 22nd, 2013, 04:43 PM   #7
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Default Re: First time.

Quote:
Originally Posted by iHelp View Post
There, I did it for the first time. Maybe I'm not that strong after all? Maybe everything I have ever said to myself were all LIES. I thought that life is easy if you just smile. Well, it isn't. There is just that crying, grieving and wounded heart behind all those smiles. It's just a mask to cover who you really are. Maybe I am vulnerable after all? I thought it was so easy for people to say to them selves that "I shouldn't do this. I am more than everything I have dealt with." well, it isn't that easy. What is wrong with me? That time I just flicked out, I didn't know what to do. Although I know that this wasn't the solution I still did it. Maybe I just couldn't handle the emotion? Well, I'm tired of it. It's only 3 light cuts anyways. I hope I wouldn't repeat this ever again. Cause it's really hard to hide it.

Thinking that I kept on telling people about not cutting. Encouraging them atleast. But now, here I am, doing the opposite of what I tell people. I thought it was easy, but it isn't.

But how come I don't feel anything? I don't feel ashamed, and I don't regret it too . Yet I'm not happy with it either .. Weird.
You know, that's kinda exactly how it was for me? You're not alone

I used to say to myself "stop this before it becomes a problem" when I felt the urge to hurt myself.
Sometimes it worked. Sometimes it didn't.

Stay strong, and I'm sure you won't have a repeat experience We believe in you!
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Old August 26th, 2013, 06:42 PM   #8
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Default Re: First time.

You seem pretty aware of all the issues self-harm can bring, but maybe if I tell you how much it's effected my life, like it has for so many others, you can really see what it can be like. [possible trigger warning for anyone reading this]

I started cutting a few months after my 14th birthday, 4 years ago now. They where just tiny scratches, like yours. I drew no blood and they weren't even noticeable enough to need hiding. I always told myself it's never become a problem because I was scared of blood so I'd never draw blood. I still distinctly remember the first time I drew blood a few months later. It was still nothing though. Not even a drip of blood, but it was the start of craving seeing blood. But again they where still nothing more than scratches and they healed very quickly.

Before I knew it I was cutting most nights. One night I shut my self in the bathroom and cut all up my arm and stood there for 10 minutes with blood dripping off the ends if my fingers. I was setting myself goals like bleeding enough too make a handprint in my own blood. I was so mesmerised by it. I couldn't stop.

A few months later again, only just over a year after I started cutting I was in hospital from self-harming. This time overdosing and my self-harm was found out.

After I was found out I had to stop cutting my arms and start cutting my legs. My cutting got a lot deeper and I would have to pull the two sides of my skin back together and try and stuck it back together so it would heal. I have huge scars on my thighs and I feel so self conscious wearing a bikini or even just shorts. I also have scars all up my arm.

I decided to stop all this when I was rushed to hospital again, and given emergency treatment for an overdose.

The moral if the story is you cannot help getting addicted and the earlier on you stop the easier it will be to stop. And if I and so many other people on here can stop cutting from the stages we had got too you can stop now! It is never ever worth it. I have scars for a life time now and if I'd stopped when I was in your position I wouldn't have them.

I know you probably won't listen. I wouldn't have done. I really thought my self-harm would never get serious but it nearly killed me, so never think that it won't effect your whole life in the end if you carry on.

On the bright side, I have been self-harm free for a year and I'm actually an extremely happy person now. All I needed to do was wait for it to get better, instead I made it worse. Don't make the same mistake.

You brought hate, pills and knives,
And this is how the tale begins.
Its your life, exist and wonder why.
When it only fails to work,
It only fails to work sometimes
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Old August 28th, 2013, 07:32 AM   #9
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Default Re: First time.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zloff View Post
Please, don't self-harm it isn't worth it. I live with my dad after my parents split up after 26 years together. We were without a car, job, and lived out in the middle of nowhere. We eventually got a deal on a truck and fixed it up for a little bit of money, now my dad is able to get a job and pay the bills more stable. Don't give up.
Hey bro, thanks. Knowing other people have had it much harder than me makes my problems shrink.

You are more than the choices you should've made,
You are more than the sum of all of your past mistakes,

you are more than the problems you create,
YOU'VE BEEN REMADE.


-You Are More, Tenth Avenue North
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Old August 28th, 2013, 07:37 AM   #10
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Default Re: First time.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Caerulus View Post
You know, that's kinda exactly how it was for me? You're not alone

I used to say to myself "stop this before it becomes a problem" when I felt the urge to hurt myself.
Sometimes it worked. Sometimes it didn't.

Stay strong, and I'm sure you won't have a repeat experience We believe in you!
Thanks! Honestly I did it once again but i'm trying my best for it not to be an addiction. I'm actually getting scared that the urge I have to cut might come back. But i'm hiding the blades now.

You are more than the choices you should've made,
You are more than the sum of all of your past mistakes,

you are more than the problems you create,
YOU'VE BEEN REMADE.


-You Are More, Tenth Avenue North
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Old August 31st, 2013, 06:30 AM   #11
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Default Re: First time.

Quote:
Originally Posted by iHelp View Post
There, I did it for the first time. Maybe I'm not that strong after all? Maybe everything I have ever said to myself were all LIES. I thought that life is easy if you just smile. Well, it isn't. There is just that crying, grieving and wounded heart behind all those smiles. It's just a mask to cover who you really are. Maybe I am vulnerable after all? I thought it was so easy for people to say to them selves that "I shouldn't do this. I am more than everything I have dealt with." well, it isn't that easy. What is wrong with me? That time I just flicked out, I didn't know what to do. Although I know that this wasn't the solution I still did it. Maybe I just couldn't handle the emotion? Well, I'm tired of it. It's only 3 light cuts anyways. I hope I wouldn't repeat this ever again. Cause it's really hard to hide it.

Thinking that I kept on telling people about not cutting. Encouraging them atleast. But now, here I am, doing the opposite of what I tell people. I thought it was easy, but it isn't.

But how come I don't feel anything? I don't feel ashamed, and I don't regret it too . Yet I'm not happy with it either .. Weird.
yep i know exactly how you feel ,at first it was just a mix of emotions i didnt feel bad about what i had done but at the same time i wasnt happy i was guilty and it was really strange but two years later i dont feel anything,you dont want to that stage you are strong and you can do this,hiding the blades is a good thing to do. good luck
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Old August 31st, 2013, 06:52 AM   #12
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Default Re: First time.

Quote:
Originally Posted by iHelp View Post
Thanks! Honestly I did it once again but i'm trying my best for it not to be an addiction. I'm actually getting scared that the urge I have to cut might come back. But i'm hiding the blades now.
All I can think of to say is the school counselor I saw last year helped me out. And also my one and only friend making me more accountable to him about this has helped. Keeping a self harm diary has helped too. Best to you.
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Old September 1st, 2013, 07:27 AM   #13
iHelp
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Default Re: First time.

Quote:
Originally Posted by numbness View Post
yep i know exactly how you feel ,at first it was just a mix of emotions i didnt feel bad about what i had done but at the same time i wasnt happy i was guilty and it was really strange but two years later i dont feel anything,you dont want to that stage you are strong and you can do this,hiding the blades is a good thing to do. good luck
Well, atleast we're not alone in this.

You are more than the choices you should've made,
You are more than the sum of all of your past mistakes,

you are more than the problems you create,
YOU'VE BEEN REMADE.


-You Are More, Tenth Avenue North
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Old April 1st, 2017, 06:05 AM   #14
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Default Re: First time.

Why do you cut? What do you feel when doing it?
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Old April 1st, 2017, 09:28 AM   #15
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Default Re: First time.

Quote:
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Why do you cut? What do you feel when doing it?
Please don't bump old threads.



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