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Old March 11th, 2017, 01:55 PM   #1
Amethyst Rose
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Default I'm breaking

I haven't felt this bad in a long time. I'm so scattered on the inside it's hard for me to put into words here, but I'll try.

I feel like I exist so others can define me. It doesn't matter what I say or do, people are always assuming things about me, and it's gotten to the point I can't even reject them now because I feel powerless to do so. The people who I consider friends do nothing but tear me down, make me feel like I'm worthless, and there's really no way I can escape them. I see them every day at school and they're unavoidable.

I've grown more paranoid, too. I've always been scared of the dark, and it's gotten worse... I feel like there's always something lurking waiting to grab me and my mind exaggerates the shadows, almost like I can see more in the dark than in the light, which is really scary. If the light in my room is off I make one of my parents walk back and turn it on for me. At night I have three small lamps and I sleep with stuffed animals (I probably sound like a toddler now but yeah it makes me feel better), and music helps some.

I feel the depression slowly eating its way into me and I'm afraid there's nothing I can do. I can't tell my parents because I just don't want to go through what I already have in the past, that was enough pain to last my whole life. I can't gather enough courage to talk to my school psychologist because I'm paranoid she'll tell them. There's nothing more I'd like to do than rewind my whole life and start over, far far away. I want to save myself but it feels like I'm slipping away.

"To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world."
PM Me Ask Me [email protected]

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Gawd dammit the mods r so cruel.
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I just food and I still have a hungry.
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Old March 11th, 2017, 04:28 PM   #2
Beauregard
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Default Re: I'm breaking

This sounds pretty serious.I think you really should talk to your parents and/ or the school psychologist about it.
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Old March 11th, 2017, 05:57 PM   #3
Amethyst Rose
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Default Re: I'm breaking

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Originally Posted by Beauregard View Post
This sounds pretty serious.I think you really should talk to your parents and/ or the school psychologist about it.
School psychologist, maybe. But my parents are completely out of the question. I love them, but it's not an option. I really don't want to go into detail here so I'll just say what happened last time was not pretty and I'm not going through it again.

"To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world."
PM Me Ask Me [email protected]

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Gawd dammit the mods r so cruel.
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I just food and I still have a hungry.
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Old March 11th, 2017, 06:48 PM   #4
Just JT
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Default Re: I'm breaking

People suck. And that's that. I hate to sound so negative but it's true. They judge you and talk about you behind you and don't give a shit about how that impact you. And that's not being friends. Friends don't do that to friends

And the people who do that to you, for what ever reason just don't deserve to be in your presence. I know that's hard, but just ignore them. It's lonely I know. But also know that true friends one in all forms. Sometimes you don't even recognize them. And it's hard to trust them
Because your afraid of how they'll treat you behind your back. So just take it slow and ignore all the nagative shit in your life and focus on all the good stuff in your life. VT, music, writing.

Do I need to add to that list?
Just be you, accept you, and fuck the rest, they'll do it to you.
So stick with your friends
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Old March 12th, 2017, 12:27 AM   #5
Amethyst Rose
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Default Re: I'm breaking

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Originally Posted by Just JT View Post
People suck. And that's that. I hate to sound so negative but it's true. They judge you and talk about you behind you and don't give a shit about how that impact you. And that's not being friends. Friends don't do that to friends

And the people who do that to you, for what ever reason just don't deserve to be in your presence. I know that's hard, but just ignore them. It's lonely I know. But also know that true friends one in all forms. Sometimes you don't even recognize them. And it's hard to trust them
Because your afraid of how they'll treat you behind your back. So just take it slow and ignore all the nagative shit in your life and focus on all the good stuff in your life. VT, music, writing.

Do I need to add to that list?
Just be you, accept you, and fuck the rest, they'll do it to you.
So stick with your friends
This really brightened my day, thank you. I try to block out everything negative and just focus on the positives, I honestly do, it just all crashes down sometimes and this is one of those times. It's people like you and other friends I have here that help get me through it, and I appreciate that so much.

I'm going to sound so naive here... but why would anyone want to judge and tease someone they supposedly care about? Why would anyone put up a facade of caring and believing in you while all they really do is act condescending, jealous and make assumptions? Why all the hypocrisy? Don't they have better things to put their energy into, because I sure do. I would like to know. Nothing could ever make me give someone a false sense of friendship. At least I only have just over 2 years with these people and then it's off to wherever I go.

(Those questions were rhetorical, vent over )

"To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world."
PM Me Ask Me [email protected]

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Gawd dammit the mods r so cruel.
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I just food and I still have a hungry.
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Old March 13th, 2017, 12:13 AM   #6
Just JT
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Default Re: I'm breaking

Good questions.

I thinkmpeople do that so that they feel better about themselves, AND feel better about how others perceive the, as well.

Sick huh? But makes sense to
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Old March 13th, 2017, 12:30 AM   #7
Amethyst Rose
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Default Re: I'm breaking

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Good questions.

I thinkmpeople do that so that they feel better about themselves, AND feel better about how others perceive the, as well.

Sick huh? But makes sense to
Well if they want me to perceive them as conceited assholes, they got their wish.

Today was so much better for me, but now I'm anxious and can't sleep. I've been lying in bed for an hour worrying about things. I can's shake this feeling of fragility lately.

"To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world."
PM Me Ask Me [email protected]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Desynchronized View Post
Gawd dammit the mods r so cruel.
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Special One View Post
I just food and I still have a hungry.
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Old March 13th, 2017, 12:34 AM   #8
Just JT
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Default Re: I'm breaking

What I do, and am aboutbto do, had a rough night emotionally to...

Lights off, get comfy, take deep breaths, exhale, focus only on breathing, inhale, release, repeat....

It works, just DO NOT let your focus move to anything else but breathing

Inhale, release, repeat...

Gnight my friend, sleep well
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Old March 13th, 2017, 12:48 AM   #9
Amethyst Rose
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Default Re: I'm breaking

Quote:
Originally Posted by Just JT View Post
What I do, and am aboutbto do, had a rough night emotionally to...

Lights off, get comfy, take deep breaths, exhale, focus only on breathing, inhale, release, repeat....

It works, just DO NOT let your focus move to anything else but breathing

Inhale, release, repeat...

Gnight my friend, sleep well
I've been doing that to no avail. I can't seem to shut my brain off. And I keep hearing noises in the dark But it's 12:45, guess I'll keep trying...

I hope you sleep well too.

"To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world."
PM Me Ask Me [email protected]

Quote:
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Gawd dammit the mods r so cruel.
Quote:
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I just food and I still have a hungry.
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