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Old February 22nd, 2017, 05:05 AM   #1
maddogmj77
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Default I feel like I'm wasting my life away


o I'm completely miserable. I feel like I'm wasting my entire life and there isn't a single thing I can do about it. I feel stuck. I feel trapped.
o Everything that I used to do isn't fun anymore. Guitar, games, music. Everything is so bleak.
o I have no friends. I have nobody to talk to.
o I haven't been outside the house in almost a week. I haven't been anywhere except school in who knows how long. maybe a month
o I spend 90% of my time locked in my room either staring at a stupid fucking screen, or sleeping 10-12hrs a day. I hate it. I hate what I do. I hate what I have become.
o I want a partner, but I know I can never have one because I'm closeted, I never get out of the house, and I'm a socially anxious weirdo.
o At the school I'm at now I don’t know anybody & I don’t talk to anybody. It's the only chance I get to even 'try' to be social & I can't use it. It's Individual Study, going in twice a week, 1 1/2 hours each day; not my choice though.
o I'm already 17 years old and I'm stuck being a closeted, depressed, anxiety-filled idiot who doesn’t have any friends, isn't good at anything, and hasn’t done a single thing with their life.
o I want to change. I want to stop wasting my life being miserable. I want to have friends that I hang out with. I want to have people to talk to. I want to be able to enjoy things again. I want to be happy again.
o I want help, I just don’t know how to do ask for it. I'm too scared to bring this up to parents. I'm too scared to talk about it with anybody. I feel like I'm just going to be disregarded and thrown out. I feel like I should just be able to get over it, that it's all my fault.

I was admitted into a mental hospital last year in October~ and I didn't say anything to the doctor assigned to me there so I ended up spending 11 days there. They gave me a series of mental tests and questionnaires & I was diagnosed with GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) & Social Anxiety. I've tried Prozac & Zoloft, neither of which seemed to help. I've seen a therapist multiple times, but my anxiety gets so bad that I freeze up & stop talking, I don't tell them anything. They just assumed that I didn't want to be there, and that I only went because my parents made me. Which isn't true. But I wasn't able to say that, so I haven't seen them in over a month. I think it might be helpful to start seeing them again. But, only if I'm able to actually get anything out. I'm open to trying anything at this point, I'm so miserable living this way.

May be helpful to read some of my older threads, "My life" & others. I never really solved any of my problems, I've had these issues for years, and it's so easy to just not talk about them. It's so easy to just act like everything is fine, isolate myself, & make it all worse. It's all I know how to do.

Matthew - 17 - Gay
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"Is this a test? It has to be, otherwise I can't go on."

Last edited by maddogmj77; February 23rd, 2017 at 09:55 AM.
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Old February 22nd, 2017, 03:41 PM   #2
Dalcourt
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Default Re: I feel like I'm wasting my life away

It's really a lot and I can't offer you advice for everthing here.

Working on your anxiety...you can do a lot by yourself without a therapist here. Set yourself small goals...like even if you don't want to, go out, a short period of time at first and then when you feel a bit more comfortable a while longer.
Set yourself a task like asking something from staff in a store ...dunno something you wouldn't usually do due to your anxiety...it will take a few times maybe but once you succeed you will feel a lot better.

For freezing up at your therapist's would writing your thoughts down at home and reading them out be helpful?


If you want change you must start it, nobody can do that for you...small steps will help to build up more self esteem.

It's hard sometimes but to have to force yourself - it's important. I suffer from severe depressive phases and it's hard to do just that the simplest things then but if I stop making myself doing them I lose the battle, so I just keep going on even if I don't want to.
It's okay to cry and feel down but don't forget that you have to go on afterwards.
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Old February 23rd, 2017, 12:54 AM   #3
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Default Re: I feel like I'm wasting my life away

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It's really a lot and I can't offer you advice for everthing here.

Working on your anxiety...you can do a lot by yourself without a therapist here. Set yourself small goals...like even if you don't want to, go out, a short period of time at first and then when you feel a bit more comfortable a while longer.
Set yourself a task like asking something from staff in a store ...dunno something you wouldn't usually do due to your anxiety...it will take a few times maybe but once you succeed you will feel a lot better.

For freezing up at your therapist's would writing your thoughts down at home and reading them out be helpful?


If you want change you must start it, nobody can do that for you...small steps will help to build up more self esteem.

It's hard sometimes but to have to force yourself - it's important. I suffer from severe depressive phases and it's hard to do just that the simplest things then but if I stop making myself doing them I lose the battle, so I just keep going on even if I don't want to.
It's okay to cry and feel down but don't forget that you have to go on afterwards.
Thank you for the response. I'm doing a lot better since yesterday. Being able to get my thoughts out, and knowing what I want to do has helped a lot.

I'm not exactly sure where I would go out to honestly, there's not really anything around here, I feel so isolated. There's the suburb area with all the houses, and then the commercial areas with all the stores, but not really any social spots or anything. No malls, no parks, not that I know of.

If I wrote something out to my therapist, I wouldn't be able to say it. When I was in the hospital I wrote out a letter with most of the stuff that's been going on, and I tried to give it to my doctor, but he wanted me to read it out loud. So I just sat there. He asked me to leave and come back when I wanted to talk but I just sat there. After a minute or so he finally took it on my way out.

I know change will never come on it's on, I just wish someone would push me, or at least help me somehow.

Matthew - 17 - Gay
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"Is this a test? It has to be, otherwise I can't go on."
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Old February 23rd, 2017, 09:33 PM   #4
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Default Re: I feel like I'm wasting my life away

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Thank you for the response. I'm doing a lot better since yesterday. Being able to get my thoughts out, and knowing what I want to do has helped a lot.

I'm not exactly sure where I would go out to honestly, there's not really anything around here, I feel so isolated. There's the suburb area with all the houses, and then the commercial areas with all the stores, but not really any social spots or anything. No malls, no parks, not that I know of.

If I wrote something out to my therapist, I wouldn't be able to say it. When I was in the hospital I wrote out a letter with most of the stuff that's been going on, and I tried to give it to my doctor, but he wanted me to read it out loud. So I just sat there. He asked me to leave and come back when I wanted to talk but I just sat there. After a minute or so he finally took it on my way out.

I know change will never come on it's on, I just wish someone would push me, or at least help me somehow.
Well it's doesn't really matter where you go! just don't bury yourself in your room. Do you have a car? Maybe just driving to some other place is also useful.

And yeah you should be able to read out what you wrote. Journal could practice that at home and then imagine you reading it out alone when you read it to your therapist.

Of course someone on your side to help you is the best way to succeed. Can you talk to a family member to support you? Or someone from school...you don't have to tell them your whole problem if you don't feel like. Just someone who helps you socialising a bit.
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Old February 23rd, 2017, 10:55 PM   #5
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Default Re: I feel like I'm wasting my life away

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Well it's doesn't really matter where you go! just don't bury yourself in your room. Do you have a car? Maybe just driving to some other place is also useful.

And yeah you should be able to read out what you wrote. Journal could practice that at home and then imagine you reading it out alone when you read it to your therapist.

Of course someone on your side to help you is the best way to succeed. Can you talk to a family member to support you? Or someone from school...you don't have to tell them your whole problem if you don't feel like. Just someone who helps you socializing a bit.
Don't have a car. Just a bike and nowhere to go.

If I have to read it out it will never get done. I'd end up sitting there for an hour, too scared to make a word. I could practice at home maybe, but I just lose all confidence as soon as I'm confronted face to face.

I can't talk to anybody to support me. Not face to face. I can go in there with the best intentions, confident, ready. But, as soon as I try to speak, everything falls apart. I decide that I don't need help, that I'd just be better off not telling anyone. I ruin everything for myself over and over again. I've went for years like that, convincing myself I don't need help, that I just need to get over it. It never works.

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Old February 24th, 2017, 10:43 PM   #6
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Default Re: I feel like I'm wasting my life away

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Don't have a car. Just a bike and nowhere to go.

If I have to read it out it will never get done. I'd end up sitting there for an hour, too scared to make a word. I could practice at home maybe, but I just lose all confidence as soon as I'm confronted face to face.

I can't talk to anybody to support me. Not face to face. I can go in there with the best intentions, confident, ready. But, as soon as I try to speak, everything falls apart. I decide that I don't need help, that I'd just be better off not telling anyone. I ruin everything for myself over and over again. I've went for years like that, convincing myself I don't need help, that I just need to get over it. It never works.
As I said it only works in small steps. So sure you won't be able to write 5 pages and read them to your therapist on your first try. Just a a few sentences...but you know problem is if you dont talk people don't know what's wrong.
I'm sure there'd be people around you who would be willing to help you, be friends with you etc. but if you don't talk to them they don't know what's wrong with you or what to make of you. So keep trying...a few sentences of small talk first just to set up bonds.

Where do other people who live in your area go and how do they get there?
I mean, it's not important really where you go just out so that you aren't just hanging out alone in your room all day and get all gloomy.
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Old February 26th, 2017, 10:59 PM   #7
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Default Re: I feel like I'm wasting my life away

i often find myself held up in my room, and i hate it too, like penut said try to go somewhere else, if you have a lake by you you could go there, skip some stones ect. same thing with beaches.

if your looking for other things to do, try finding a sport you like, then not only would you be ocupied, but you also could have a way of making friends

"Fire, by that definition, is vibrantly alive. It eats everything from wood to flesh, excreting the waste as ash, and it breathes air just like a human, taking in oxygen and emitting carbon. Fire grows, and as it spreads, it creates new fires that spread out and make new fires of their own."
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Old February 28th, 2017, 02:54 AM   #8
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As I said it only works in small steps. So sure you won't be able to write 5 pages and read them to your therapist on your first try. Just a a few sentences...but you know problem is if you dont talk people don't know what's wrong.
I'm sure there'd be people around you who would be willing to help you, be friends with you etc. but if you don't talk to them they don't know what's wrong with you or what to make of you. So keep trying...a few sentences of small talk first just to set up bonds.

Where do other people who live in your area go and how do they get there?
I mean, it's not important really where you go just out so that you aren't just hanging out alone in your room all day and get all gloomy.
I'm not good at starting conversations with anybody, my anxiety gets so bad that my face turns red, my heart starts racing, my voice gets shaky. When I went to my former High-School, just being called on to answer a question felt like a burst of adrenaline & anxiety; and even though it was only a couple of words, it took a minute for that adrenaline/anxiety feeling to wash away. The only people who I've ever made any acquaintance with have always started the conversations. It's too excruciating for me to do.

I don't really know anybody in the area, or where anybody goes. All I know is my school, which, being independent study, coupled with my anti-social tendencies, doesn't get me anywhere.

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i often find myself held up in my room, and i hate it too, like penut said try to go somewhere else, if you have a lake by you you could go there, skip some stones etc. same thing with beaches.

if your looking for other things to do, try finding a sport you like, then not only would you be occupied, but you also could have a way of making friends
There isn't any lakes, ponds, beaches, rivers, or anything around here. I really can't think of a single place that I could go to around my area. I'm not really into sports, I was in a Youth Bowling League for a few months which was fun, but I never made any friends. I want to try and go out somewhere, or do something, I just don't know where to start.

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Old February 28th, 2017, 07:08 AM   #9
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Default Re: I feel like I'm wasting my life away

well what things do you like, making a list might be a good place to start. as for the anxiety maybe try talking to a parent or someone you know more, kinda like training yourself to be a social butterfly

"Fire, by that definition, is vibrantly alive. It eats everything from wood to flesh, excreting the waste as ash, and it breathes air just like a human, taking in oxygen and emitting carbon. Fire grows, and as it spreads, it creates new fires that spread out and make new fires of their own."
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Old March 7th, 2017, 12:49 AM   #10
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well what things do you like, making a list might be a good place to start. as for the anxiety maybe try talking to a parent or someone you know more, kinda like training yourself to be a social butterfly
Well I 'used' to like guitar, music, & video games. But, I just don't have the motivation to do them anymore, they're not fun anymore.

I don't even want to talk to my dad anymore. He COMPLETELY ignores all of my notes when I try to talk about things that are 'too much' to say in person.
A couple days ago when my brother was having some problems with his girlfriend and his baby, he started saying that he wanted to die, and my dad's first words were, "oh, not this shit again". Not "What's wrong?" not anything supportive, not anything helpful. He was just annoyed. I don't think I ever want to talk to him again. He's not going to be the one to help.

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Old March 7th, 2017, 07:26 AM   #11
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Default Re: I feel like I'm wasting my life away

sounds like my parets xD all humor aside you should go to a psychologist, or someone wjo can help you with your emotional state, try listening to music, you have many nerve endings in your ears and music helps sooth you because of that.

"Fire, by that definition, is vibrantly alive. It eats everything from wood to flesh, excreting the waste as ash, and it breathes air just like a human, taking in oxygen and emitting carbon. Fire grows, and as it spreads, it creates new fires that spread out and make new fires of their own."
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Old March 7th, 2017, 01:10 PM   #12
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sounds like my parets xD all humor aside you should go to a psychologist, or someone wjo can help you with your emotional state, try listening to music, you have many nerve endings in your ears and music helps sooth you because of that.
I have an appt. for the 24th, but like I said, I haven't been able to get anything out, I don't know how. I'm so far behind on my work because of all of this. I'm already a whole year behind. I got the second half of my year cut short with my trip to the mental hospital. I was pulled out of school by my dad, and he sent me to my mom's house. All of my credits got dissolved, and I spent months at my mom's, doing nothing, waiting to be enrolled somewhere. Then when I finally got back into school, I had the sleep problem, motivation, depression, anxiety, nothing had ever gotten solved in the first place. So I ended up getting removed again, another semester of credits, wasted. I'm so far behind right now I can't afford to wait this long to get help. I'd go back to the hospital if it meant I'd be able to get it faster.

As for "nerve endings in your ears", I have no idea what you mean. That isn't a thing that people have, everybody has the same nervous system. Some people tend to find some music calming or soothing to them, but that's a psychological thing.

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Old March 7th, 2017, 08:10 PM   #13
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Default Re: I feel like I'm wasting my life away

everyone has neeves running close to their ears, and it has been shown by studies at harvard that certain types of music can help calm people by relaxing the nerve endings

"Fire, by that definition, is vibrantly alive. It eats everything from wood to flesh, excreting the waste as ash, and it breathes air just like a human, taking in oxygen and emitting carbon. Fire grows, and as it spreads, it creates new fires that spread out and make new fires of their own."
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