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Old December 31st, 2016, 12:45 PM   #41
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Default Re: I don't know what to do anymore

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Originally Posted by bentheplayer View Post
Personally, I suspect this is even more true for ppl around us. People from other backgrounds are usually more free to speak their mind. For people around us the best way is to observe their actions than words to learn their true opinion. Usually there will some very slight clues that give them away but even then this is not always accurate.
Personally I don't think we can even rely on that. Every move is so calculated, so cold and emotionless. Everything in out life is calculated, nothing is natural for natural is flawed and we are far above flawed. it makes no sense I hate it. I hate it all.
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Old December 31st, 2016, 05:09 PM   #42
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Default Re: I don't know what to do anymore

Once again I get that weird pain in the centre of my chest. I have no idea what to call it or how to describe I feel it everyday but yet have no idea whats hurting. But it makes me feel awful. Weak. Alone. I'm scared. Scared of being alone. Forever. But the scariest part of this feeling is, it is the only thing I can feel anymore. What is wrong with me? Why can't I feel anything else other than this pain? A pain which affect the very essence of my living being somehow. It's unbearable. I just want it to end. I want it all to end. In my entire life I have never talked to more people than I do now but at the same time I've never felt more lonely.
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Old December 31st, 2016, 07:02 PM   #43
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Default Re: I don't know what to do anymore

New Year. Great...
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Old January 1st, 2017, 01:05 AM   #44
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Default Re: I don't know what to do anymore

I hate new years. All it means is going thro another horrible year; all over again.

As for this pain of emptiness and loneliness I just try my best to keep it bay by being busy with work be it schl or hobbies.

We are all slaves in this new age.
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Old January 1st, 2017, 01:56 AM   #45
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Default Re: I don't know what to do anymore

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I hate new years. All it means is going thro another horrible year; all over again.

As for this pain of emptiness and loneliness I just try my best to keep it bay by being busy with work be it schl or hobbies.
I admire your strength. I feel like I'm crumbling. Im sorry you managed to identify with how I'm feeling. if you want, you can talk to me about how you feel. never know. it might help us both. Im almost at 100 posts so if theres anything you dont want to publicly talk about send me a private message and ill try and help you.
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Old January 1st, 2017, 10:08 AM   #46
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Default Re: I don't know what to do anymore

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I admire your strength. I feel like I'm crumbling. Im sorry you managed to identify with how I'm feeling. if you want, you can talk to me about how you feel. never know. it might help us both. Im almost at 100 posts so if theres anything you dont want to publicly talk about send me a private message and ill try and help you.
I don't really think that I am strong. Its just that I am not brave enough to actually end it. Besides it isn't exactly easy to end it cleanly and quickly. I am crumbling too just that I try not to think too much about it. I simply compartmentalize that feeling and each time it comes back to haunt me its much worse and more intense. I have always been an escapist. Its my way of surviving. Nearly each night I will lucid dream and escape into my own ideal world away from all the pain .... only to have to face it all over again when I wake up.

And yup, it is probably a better idea to talk over pm abt such issues.

We are all slaves in this new age.

Last edited by bentheplayer; January 1st, 2017 at 10:15 AM.
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Old January 1st, 2017, 04:47 PM   #47
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Default Re: I don't know what to do anymore

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I don't really think that I am strong. Its just that I am not brave enough to actually end it. Besides it isn't exactly easy to end it cleanly and quickly. I am crumbling too just that I try not to think too much about it. I simply compartmentalize that feeling and each time it comes back to haunt me its much worse and more intense. I have always been an escapist. Its my way of surviving. Nearly each night I will lucid dream and escape into my own ideal world away from all the pain .... only to have to face it all over again when I wake up.

And yup, it is probably a better idea to talk over pm abt such issues.
I agree but please feel free to just write here like I do. It always help to get thing of your chest
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Old January 2nd, 2017, 12:59 AM   #48
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Default Re: I don't know what to do anymore

I may not feel all the same struggles in life as you guys with sexuality and coming out or acceptance and stuff. I just never had them. I never told them they never asked I was just who I was and I didn't care. And in the end neither did they.

Feeling alone I know well. It's horrible. Even though I know I'm loved and I got a good family and all, I also know I'm not a part of this family in ways I'll never be able to. And in the end I am all alone.

Having siblings I thinkmis an awesome thing most guys despise. I get personality differences and all. But not having any is like....idk, just knowing that there's nobody there for you
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Old January 2nd, 2017, 01:45 AM   #49
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I may not feel all the same struggles in life as you guys with sexuality and coming out or acceptance and stuff. I just never had them. I never told them they never asked I was just who I was and I didn't care. And in the end neither did they.

Feeling alone I know well. It's horrible. Even though I know I'm loved and I got a good family and all, I also know I'm not a part of this family in ways I'll never be able to. And in the end I am all alone.

Having siblings I thinkmis an awesome thing most guys despise. I get personality differences and all. But not having any is like....idk, just knowing that there's nobody there for you
Siblings can be a boon or bane depending on family structure. In our kind of family, the eldest is always expected to represent the family; the concept of first born child(son) is highly valued. The first born son is expected to be the high achiever and to follow whatever the family desires as that is his duty and to set the benchmark for the rest of his siblings to look up to.

If the eldest can't perform as expected but the other siblings can then one should be prepared for the consequences of being cut off. The only possible way of escaping such a fate is to simply listen and follow the orders of the parents like a dog so as to win "trust" of being willing to keep the tradition alive. I don't really ever feel that in our families children are had for love but to simply continue the family line. From this I guess you can extrapolate the horrors of having an "underachieving" and gay first born. It becomes a double whammy. Of course there are exceptions to this depending on families.


It is that degree of love and acceptance that seems to be so easy for certain families that makes us so jealous. We are never truly ever allowed to be ourselves at all. Every act we do is usually a cold calculated move that I am just simply tried of especially when they have to be done so perfectly to ensure self-preservation. Its also hard to find true friends. What we have are acquaintances but friends not really. They are all simply people we work with. Our lives feel like one big theatrical act where we just act nice not because we like each other but simply because it is expected.

We are all slaves in this new age.

Last edited by bentheplayer; January 2nd, 2017 at 01:52 AM.
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Old January 2nd, 2017, 04:58 AM   #50
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Default Re: I don't know what to do anymore

I'm sorry man. Idk I guess I can understand some of that as that's kinda like how by birth dad was like but only with me I guess. But idk if he'd ever cut me off like that. I can't imagine that. I kinda do get what you mean about expectations as I have a foster bro now and my mom n dad say stuff about helping and setting the example for stuff. But I don't think they'd be like that to me. And I think if they were they'd probably not like me to much
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Old January 4th, 2017, 06:04 PM   #51
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Default Re: I don't know what to do anymore

I've been thinking. Why should we put up with this? Where is the legal obligation we signed? Why should we allow our overloads to condemn us to the issues they continue to suppress? Take our life as a financial endeavour? We are not pawns in their game, we are humans. We are their flesh and blood and should be treated wth the respect we deserve and demand. I for one will no longer stand for this. At 18 I have the right to make my own decisions. I am sick of sitting there smiling pretending that nothing is wrong and I have the perfect life. That I feel no pain and not flawed. I will no longer be the "Pillar" on which society is said to be built upon. Nobody wants this segregation of classes other than those who benefit from it. Not even half of them want it either. We need to abolish the pompous, arrogant, insufferable ways.
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Old January 9th, 2017, 02:43 PM   #52
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Default Re: I don't know what to do anymore

Once again. Been a while since I posted on here, but, it's getting hard again. As one or two may know, I've been talking with an old boyfriend and things seem to be picking up again and that is great. I love it. But I'm starting to feel lonely. I don't know why but I feel so alone. To the point where it physically hurts. Is there something wrong with me? Am I too hard to please, or am I doomed? To roam the earth alone forever. Is this self pity. I have no idea what to think anymore. It feels like my mind is in the constant civil war. Each part battling its self. Every action I make if criticised by my parents and then by me. Is it bad that I don't feel I can carry on like the anymore. Just existing tares me apart. I wish I could make it all go away. Ive started some medication. Some kind of sleeping pills. Im arranging a doctors appointment and getting some stronger ones and some antidepressants. I'm not sure if I am allowed to post this here and moderators, please, remove this if I can't but I've seriously been considering taking some "substances" a friend has been suggesting. Apparently they make you feel good but I'm undecided. Advice would be nice but no obligations. Well I've got work to do. So I guess this is goodbye for a while. Night guys.

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Old February 1st, 2017, 02:43 PM   #53
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Default Re: I don't know what to do anymore

Hey I'm not allowed if I'm still allowed to post here but right now I feel like I need to. Ive had this surge of emotions the last few days. The only emotion which has eluded me is joy, happiness. The worst part about it? I feel entirely alone. Secluded from the rest of the world. Alone in this fight against my own mind. Every night I lay alone just thinking then telling my self I'm wrong. "Did she say that? No, of course not." I feel like I'm going mad. I'm not I know this to be fact but it still feels like I am. Whats causing this? I don't know. I have been talking to this boy. Over text, never met in real life but I have seen photographs, and I am really embarrassed to say, I have fallen head over heels in love with him. The issue? He doesn't feel the same. There is nothing as painful as unreciprocated love. It's the kind of pain that makes you want to rip your insides out. Its been two years. Two whole years since this pain started. It's not constant. More like a rollercoaster. Highs and lows, but the longest periods are the lows. During these periods I sleep all day, drink when I am awake and just blindly follow what my parents say. Stand like this, smile. Wave. God I hate it all. See just writing this I can see I'm all over the place. Cant keep a constant line of thought.
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Old February 20th, 2017, 05:16 PM   #54
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Default Re: I don't know what to do anymore

Once again, I find myself drawn to this little chain of messages. It helps. Im some peculiar way it helps. In a way I convince myself that I am talking to others. People who would like to help. Is that "sad"? I don't know anymore. I've reread some of my posts. Theres a reoccurring theme of loneliness, confusion, being lost. I don't even know why I write half the things I do. It just feels good to. Like I said, I don't even know why I'm writing this anymore.
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