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Old January 21st, 2017, 04:15 PM   #1
devotionnel
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Default fragility

Right now, there's nothing I'd rather do than die.

If I see a tablet, I get the overwhelming urge to overdose. If I see anything remotely sharp, my first impulse is to hurt myself. I keep replaying scenarios in my head how people would find me dead, and I keep having a recurrent theme of death and hurting going on in my thoughts. For the last couple of days I've repeatedly written suicide notes subconsciously, both in my head and physically on paper. I don't want these thoughts, not one bit. When I go to someone as if I'm about to ask them for help, that I'm in danger, there'll be a voice in my head saying that it's better to keep it a secret. That I'll be hated and my family or close friends will be physically hurt if I tell anyone I know about how I feel. I don't even know how to describe it to anyone in the first place. I just feel like I'm turning to a psychotic freak.

I constantly have to listen to music to drown out the thoughts and stuff but it's physically draining. I usually find myself listening to the same songs over and over but I don't even physically take the music in, it's just there to counteract my thoughts. When I want to be happy, I'll just feel numb as if there's no such thing such as 'happiness'.

I really don't want this... it scares me so much.

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Old January 21st, 2017, 04:24 PM   #2
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Default Re: fragility

I'm really, really sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. One of the best things you can do is to talk to someone who you can trust - a school counsellor/mentor, your friends. Please, please don't think that they'll hate you - they won't. Take some time out to think about what you're going to say if you get nervous and just let it out. This can help you feel a lot better, they'll be able to help you, support you, and be there for you. That's what any friend should do, and any friend shouldn't hate you for that. Trying to listen to music is a good idea, since it can help you forget about the things that are worrying you. I know you're a good writer too, so that's something else that can help you take your mind of things and just relax, without any worries. I really hope things get better for you.



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Old January 21st, 2017, 04:32 PM   #3
devotionnel
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Default Re: fragility

Quote:
Originally Posted by Endeavour View Post
One of the best things you can do is to talk to someone who you can trust - a school counsellor/mentor, your friends.
I do keep trying to tell teachers at school and mentors but the second I go to try and say anything I physically can't get any words out. Then I'll get bad thoughts such as "if you tell xyz about this, then your [insert family member here] will be harmed. You don't want that, do you?" And it's the same voice echoing in my head every time but I have no clue what voice it is.

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Old January 22nd, 2017, 04:48 AM   #4
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Default Re: fragility

Quote:
Originally Posted by somekindofsick View Post
I do keep trying to tell teachers at school and mentors but the second I go to try and say anything I physically can't get any words out. Then I'll get bad thoughts such as "if you tell xyz about this, then your [insert family member here] will be harmed. You don't want that, do you?" And it's the same voice echoing in my head every time but I have no clue what voice it is.
It is ok to be selfish for yourself at times you know. Besides, if your family loved you they will understand how hard it is for you to seek help. Also you can always try to gauge the teacher who are going to tell whether he/she will rat out on you or get you the help you need. If you still can't physically tell the teacher, how about writing a letter/essay explaining ur circumstances and then passing it personally to the teacher. It will probably be useful if you could arrange for a specific time slot so that the teacher will definitely be free then.

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Old January 23rd, 2017, 01:59 AM   #5
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Default Re: fragility

Quote:
Originally Posted by bentheplayer View Post
It is ok to be selfish for yourself at times you know. Besides, if your family loved you they will understand how hard it is for you to seek help. Also you can always try to gauge the teacher who are going to tell whether he/she will rat out on you or get you the help you need. If you still can't physically tell the teacher, how about writing a letter/essay explaining ur circumstances and then passing it personally to the teacher. It will probably be useful if you could arrange for a specific time slot so that the teacher will definitely be free then.
See, it always varies which really upsets me. For instance, yesterday and today I have been positively elated and really happy all day. But this always happens; for a few hours or days I'll be really down and suicidal and then the next I'll be extremely happy

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Old February 6th, 2017, 04:13 PM   #6
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Default Re: fragility

I thought it'd be better just to post here instead of making another thread.

I seem to have changed completely from what my problem was before; I can manage fine without self harming. I've gone like 3 weeks clean even if my urges are on and off and that's almost a record if I remember correctly, so I can kinda square that away now, I have that under control for the time being. I know that if I do relapse, that on that day I won't stop harming and it's going to be dangerous and I want to avoid that occurrence due to the fact that it'd mess up a few things and would make me more stressed.

I just feel kind of ... lost, now. I have the crippling weight of exams in 3 months and it's already going to my head with insane paranoia and sometimes I get a tad delusional and think the strangest of things. I'm currently going through the motion of "oh shit what am I going to do with my life in 2 years I'm going to have to fend for myself holy cow what is life" very regularly which is kind of unhealthy but I seriously have no grip on what I want to do with the rest of my life and it's making me insanely worried about the distant future.

I'd still say that I feel suicidal and worthless on a regular basis, but I don't know what to do with it. I just cancel it out, because I still have the large paranoia of telling anyone, like I still get the thoughts that my family are going to be harmed by 'people' - I don't know who they are or what they'd want with my family; it's just a figment of my imagination, I know this, but it's extremely haunting all the same.

I'm trying to revise for these exams, but honestly I have no motivation to do it. I know it fine, and it's only 2 subjects that I struggle in: physics, and French speaking. For some reason, physics just does not seem to go into my head, like it's all written in Greek and I can't understand it. No matter how hard I try it doesn't go in. My teacher doesn't seem to understand it, sInce she's taught me the other 2 sciences and I've excelled in them. She hopes I won't be transferred to a lower class just because of this flub. For French however it's more of a confidence and (lack of) stress and anxiety management issue. At school I should be conferring with learning support within the next couple of days and I should be started some stress and anxiety management for this speaking assessment and hopefully that should be all solved.

I apologise for the long post, and I really hope someone can help me. I feel like I'm close to relapsing, but far from it at the same time. I feel like I constantly need love and support, and the next moment I'll be purposely pushing people away who love me and want to help me. It just makes me want to give up.

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Old February 6th, 2017, 04:31 PM   #7
Just JT
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Default Re: fragility

Actually I think it's a great day you continued the same thread. I've suggested that to other people to cause it helps keep all your thoughts in one place, in order, over a long period of time. And if dealing with any kinda emotional issues, never know, you might discover a trigger you wrote about over and over and never considered it anything.

Anyways back on topic.

Sounds like your pretty over whelmed about exams. I get like that to. When I do I just focus on one at a time. The first one gets everything till that exam happens, then the next one. Only one at a time.

But also to back up, and as things go forward, and you needs talk to someone, but can't get the words out? Print up this thread and just hand it to that person. They'll understand from that. They may not get it's you right away, but they'll get it.
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Old February 6th, 2017, 04:42 PM   #8
devotionnel
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Default Re: fragility

Quote:
Originally Posted by Just JT View Post
Actually I think it's a great day you continued the same thread. I've suggested that to other people to cause it helps keep all your thoughts in one place, in order, over a long period of time. And if dealing with any kinda emotional issues, never know, you might discover a trigger you wrote about over and over and never considered it anything.

As I posted here today, I read through the other posts and I can tell I've already changed a lot personality wise since these last posts, but there's still similarities. I'm trying my best to link them up and order them up so I can really see what's going on, but it doesn't seem to be working as of yet.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Just JT View Post
Sounds like your pretty over whelmed about exams. I get like that to. When I do I just focus on one at a time. The first one gets everything till that exam happens, then the next one. Only one at a time.

I'm just scared for the most part, because I'm going to have to do multiple in a day. There's a couple of days where I have something stupid like 3 exams in 1 day (it really doesn't feel like one at a time... it makes me feel sick that I need to fit 20 exams in such a short amount of time and that's my main source of stress) and it's starting to make me worried and want to constantly organise and prioritise things, which really isn't helpful at all to the anxiety management although it may seem it in text.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Just JT View Post
But also to back up, and as things go forward, and you needs talk to someone, but can't get the words out? Print up this thread and just hand it to that person. They'll understand from that. They may not get it's you right away, but they'll get it.
I honestly really don't think I'm getting any closer to telling someone about all of these issues... if anything I feel further away. This exam anxiety is starting to shut me off and make me want to isolate myself more than ever. But I'm sick of feeling empty and lonely.

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Old February 6th, 2017, 04:56 PM   #9
Just JT
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Default Re: fragility

Well I'll just say changes like this I think might be good for you

On your exams, ok, so the day you have more than one, take the subject you know the best, and study on that one first. You know it better and will be easier to remember stuff. Then the next easier Subject leaving the worst subject to be studied last, leaving what ever remaining time, for just that one topic. And focused only on that one topic.

Do you have study groups in your classes?

And I'm glad your doing better. And I know stuff like this can be hot and cold sometimes. So it's still good cause down the road it may come back, not know why, and you'll have a place to write down your thoughts feelings etc, and get feedback from Friends to?

Do you know any diary owners?
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Old February 7th, 2017, 04:16 PM   #10
devotionnel
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Default Re: fragility

Today is one of the more harsher days.

Today I have had really bad urges for the entirety of the day and I've been suffering from crippling paranoia wherever I go, I was scared to leave the house this morning. I'm not exactly sure why... nothing else was out of the ordinary that should make me feel uneasy. I'm trying to find a justification for it but I can't seem to justify it at all. I'm literally searching for excuses to feel hurt and strangely enough it would feel marginally better for having a reason to feel so hurt and upset rather than just feel this way for no reason at all.

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Old February 7th, 2017, 05:24 PM   #11
Just JT
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Default Re: fragility

I agree. Sometimes that kinda pain just exists and it's buried so deep cause it's just to painful to face. So it's like your brain kinda locks it away or something. For safety. And all you can do is work around it. Little by little till something just kinda pops up one day. And it like become a little piece of a map or trail or story or something.

I know it's really no big help ATM ok? But know your not alone. And time will help. It'll just take some time is all.

Sometimes it's so small so unnoticeable that you maybe even don't realize it. Like for me, it's always been video games. I know huh? It really sucks. But then I realized not to long ago it's also cartoons that trigger me. Males no sense. But I'm getting closer
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