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Old January 5th, 2017, 08:22 PM   #1
Jinglebottom
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Default There's nothing worth living for.

I know I've said that I've gotten over the suicidal feelings that have been plaguing me non-stop for years. Yeah, that was a lie.

I'm worthless, a disappointment, there's no point. I'm never going to achieve something worthwhile, or contribute to anything in our world, I'm never going to make my parents and family happy, because I'm nothing but a failure, a failure that keeps on failing. They deserve better than me, I'm never going to make them proud, I bet they hang their heads in shame whenever someone mentions me. I honestly feel like I have nothing that makes me feel happy any longer, I just spend my days laying in bed, secretly hoping I die (I'm too cowardly to actually commit suicide, but given the opportunity I would gladly relieve everybody of my worthless, pathetic presence). I'm never going to find happiness in my life, I'm always going to be insecure, lonely, mentally unstable, irritable, I'm always going to wonder, "what went wrong?". I've stopped taking care of myself, I don't have the motivation to do anything any longer, all I do is put on a fake smile and act like it's all sunshine and roses in front of my family and friends. If they found out I was gay they would throw me out the way you take out the trash.
I always feel excluded, unloved, lonely, isolated, I can't tell anyone anything, I can't vent, I have no shoulder to cry on if needed, no one who supports me or cares about me more than superficially.
I truly believe there's no place for me in this world. I'm passionless, self-hating, my life has no meaning, I will never amount to anything, I'm going to die feeling the same way I feel right now, miserable. I wish it would all end, I really do. I can't even cry.

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Amethyst Rose
You don't wear Jinglebottom Jeans? We can't be in the same room sorry!!!!!!!
*Mars was here*
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Old January 5th, 2017, 11:53 PM   #2
Dalcourt
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Default Re: There's nothing worth living for.

Sounds like you suffer from a real bad depression. I'd tell you more or less the same when I'm in a depressive phase. But since due to my bipolar I have those cycles where I get those high manic phases, too, so giving real advice here.
But I try.
First in 2016 I tried to commit suicide and also was in a near fatal car accident. First I was kinda mad and disappointed I survived all of it but I came to think that this should mean something.
So if you can't kill yourself, don't get killed in a freak accident or buy a crazy gunman or whatever, it maybe means you still have unfinished business in this world.May it be to find a cure or cancer or meeting your soul mate and love of life at the age of 67.

You say your afraid you can't make your parents proud or life up to their expectations. Why do you have to? Do you think they or anyone else feels they have to make you proud or life up to your expectations?You are not in this world for others and they aren't in the world for you. It's a common misconception that one has to make others happy.If you learn to accept yourself be happy and pleased with yourself others will feel so, too. We just give others negative feelings when we have them. Of course your family might not accept your sexuality or anything,as when I read your post I feel you don't even accept it yourself. Others will only love you as much as you love yourself.

I know self hate and self doubt are mean things. I suffer it a lot sometimes and it's the hardest things to overcome. Not everyone can do it on their own, some even can't with professional help...but still it's worth fighting that fight and not giving up.I know it's hard. I know it sometimes doesn't seem worth it...but there's still too much to do and see in the world, to find people that can be family.

So yeah that's been a lot of useless information and pep talk but maybe thinking what stupid shit gives you back a lil energy and love for your life
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Old January 6th, 2017, 02:33 AM   #3
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Default Re: There's nothing worth living for.

Hey Bob, buddy, don't think these things, please.

I know it's hard, I really do, but things will get better. You're a great guy. And I know you may not see it now, but you are. Everyone on VT who knows you can say the same. To me, you've always been a great friend, when I was going through a hard time you were there for me and carried me through the day.

You're not worthless nor a dissapointment, at all. Look, you're an amazing guy, and I know you may not be able to see it right now, but I can confirm, and honestly I can't say anything even slightly bad about you because, there's nothing to say. You're a great friend Bob, you really are. I've always trusted you, and I've always seen you as a great friend and person. I know you are.

There is always hope, and I know it's a cliché, but please believe me. It's not worth giving up okay? You have so much ahead of you, and I know you may not see it now but believe me when I say that you have so so much to look forward to. No matter how far away that small light of hope may seem, no matter how dark life seems to get, that small light, that tiny bit of hope is never fully gone.

If you ever need someone to talk to, about anything, please message me. You can always message me and I'll reply as soon as I can and I'll do whatever I can to help you alright? You were there for me when I needed someone and I'm here for you too okay? Not just me, so so many people care about you Bob, and we all want you to be happy. Even if you have trouble venting, just message me whenever you need someone or feel lonely or when you want to talk okay? I care about you Bob, we all care about you.

Please take care of yourself okay? I know you may not want to but please make sure you take care of yourself. Everyone has a place in this world Bob, so do you. I know how hard it may be to believe that, but trust me. I've been exactly where you are right now, and I can tell you that it does get better. It's a cliché, it really is, but it's true. It's not worth giving up because there is always so much ahead of us, so many great things that will happen and that you will do. I don't even want to begin to imagine what it would be like when you're not there anymore. I'm here for you okay? And so are so many others. I'll give anything to see you happy again, because that's what you deserve, to be happy.

Please try to stay positive okay? Never hesitate to message me when you need someone alright? You have my skype so just let me know and I'll help you as much as I can. Keep your head up okay buddy?

When you're taught to love everyone, to love your enemies, then what value does that place on love?
-Marilyn Manson

Android? We can't be friends sorry!!!!!
-Proof Bob is a peasant

~Richelle was here~

Last edited by Periphery; January 6th, 2017 at 02:39 AM.
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Old January 6th, 2017, 06:02 PM   #4
Jinglebottom
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Default Re: There's nothing worth living for.

@Peanut_ Of course I can't accept it. This very single thing is guaranteed to absolutely wreck my relationship with each and every person I know, so why should I? I don't live in Europe or North America, I live in the Middle East (with all its gay-friendliness), I could be murdered/severely punished for merely being perceived as homosexual, whether there's proof or not, it doesn't matter. It's just something I suppress and ignore, hoping someday it'll go away (I know it won't), because nothing good can come out of it. There's no other way, or else I'll be even lonelier. I care a lot about my family, they care a lot about me as well, but this is beyond what they can accept, yet I have no control over it. It is still seen as taboo to not get married and have kids, I will be pitied by the entire society I live in just for that. Whenever I tell my parents/extended family that I'm never going to get married and have children (usually they're the ones who bring the topic up), they just write me off as a "silly teenager who doesn't know what's best for him." I'm a lost cause, I will be under scrutiny either way, and yes it does affect me, my skin is not impervious to all the bullshit I'll go through in the future for not "keeping the tradition going." Yep, I live in a very conservative place compared to the West. "Rebels" like me have no place in here, people will guilt and shame me my whole entire life probably, especially considering I'm an only son. What kind of shitty ass future is that?

@The Special One I honestly couldn't ask for a better friend, thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I appreciate it.

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Amethyst Rose
You don't wear Jinglebottom Jeans? We can't be in the same room sorry!!!!!!!
*Mars was here*
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Old January 6th, 2017, 06:26 PM   #5
Dalcourt
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Default Re: There's nothing worth living for.

@Jinglebottom well I didn't just talk about your sexuality but about you as a whole with your sexuality just being one part of it.
Now you make it sound like your sexuality is the only thing important and wrong in your life, sorry gets me a little confused now.
So all your depression, loneliness, being antisocial, suicidal is just because of that?
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Old January 6th, 2017, 06:39 PM   #6
Jinglebottom
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Default Re: There's nothing worth living for.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Peanut_ View Post
@Jinglebottom well I didn't just talk about your sexuality but about you as a whole with your sexuality just being one part of it.
Now you make it sound like your sexuality is the only thing important and wrong in your life, sorry gets me a little confused now.
So all your depression, loneliness, being antisocial, suicidal is just because of that?
No, but that was the part I wanted to expand on the most in my previous post. It's by far the biggest problem, but not the only one. Sorry for making it seem that way, I should've been more specific I suppose.

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Amethyst Rose
You don't wear Jinglebottom Jeans? We can't be in the same room sorry!!!!!!!
*Mars was here*
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Old January 7th, 2017, 09:40 AM   #7
rioo
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Default Re: There's nothing worth living for.

'passionless'?
I really don't have good advice here, but I think you need to start working with that one. I strongly believe passion can bring happiness.
You are good guy, dont give up.
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Old January 7th, 2017, 01:24 PM   #8
Just JT
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Default Re: There's nothing worth living for.

Not being able to accept who you are is key here you know that. And hiding behind who you are not only festers the problem. A problem thatbsee,s to have no good ending for anyone.

But first, youndo have meaning, people do care about you and want to be with you and support you. Am doing the responders here in this thread are the ones I know of. And I'll offer myself innthat circle to bro. Anytime you wana chat, let me know. I'll make time cause I care. Some people in this thread know that from their own personal experiences withntalking to me

So don't end your life. @Peanut_ males many goodman points. It just haven't happened yet.

Not, you have a choice ok? End your life and male your family very upset for the remainder of their lives. I'm assuming you'd leave with never letting them know the reason. But you love them so much. So why put them through all that pain?

You not living who you are will surely only bring you down this same road your already on. And so you'll live the same life of misery as yiur familynwould of you offed yourself. How much pain needs to be felt here?

Yeah you like in an area that does not accept gays. I get that. Does that mean you'll never be able to leave where you live and live somewhere else? When of age your able/free enough to move to where you like right? Perhaps college? Just something to consider ok? Cause you may still love who you are inn hiding to your family and friends at home, bud if you lived in say Spain or where ever, your freeto be who you are. Not an immediate solution to how you feel, more a possible goal to work on or something.

Your not a failure, you are not a failure!!!
You are a human being who has likes, dislikes, opinions, feelings and cravings. And all that matters. Just guna toss this out here. Your a product of your environment. So if you live in an area that is against everything you are or believe, seems to ,e you can't be to happy with that. So you can't change the values and culture of the people you live with.

You are a great person from what I've seen here. Your open, polite, kind, helpful and supportive of other members. And that says a shit ton in a forum bro, anyone can just throw down some bullshit words and say whatever. But you don't do that here. Cause your valued here, we do care and (pretty sure I'm speaking for everyone here) we'd be very sad to hear you've offed yourself and made everyone in yiur my life unhappy and sad.

How old are you? 16? Me to....we've all had some hard times, tough lives, on whatever level that means. I have, you have, @Peanut_ has, we've all shared those times of our lives we saw onlynthe Boston and ascending on it deeper.

All I can say is for me it's like I'm in a deep deep well of water and I'm swimming to the bottom where I know I'll drown. And all I need to do is turn around and follow the light back up. Up to whaler the air is. And take it from there. Life is a journey and you make of it what you can. You may not have all the tools in your backpack right now to be able to make yourself happy. But you have I'm sure some. And you just need to accept what you have as what you have, and add to that backpack of took as you go forward in life. Cause if you don't then that backpack will only get heavier and heavier and draw you deeper to the bottom of that we'll and you won't be able to swim up. Unless you drop your backpack and abandone all your tools, to live.

In the end, something, or someone, or group of people will loose out here. It's your life and you should choose to be happy, so add to those tools as you get older so you can build a new life somewhere you can be who you are. And if someone you've left behind don't like that, and won't speak to you or what ever? Yeah you'll be sad, but happy your living who you are. Happier than living behind yourself, with a heavy ass backpack weighing yourself down. So lighten the load, when you get there ok?

Not saying it's guna be an easy hike with all those tools, so if it gets to heavy know that when your tired, each and every fuckin member here will at some time carry yiur packmfor you till your stronger to carrynit yourself again.

Just don't give up bro, we're all here for you ok?
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Old January 31st, 2017, 03:40 PM   #9
Jinglebottom
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Default Re: There's nothing worth living for.

(sorry for bumping this, and thanks everyone, you're all just awesome people)

I'm so fucking done with some of the people in my life tbh. Number one is my mother, that living witch that believes I am the spawn of everything bad and evil in the world. According to her, I:
1) am greedy, self-centered and only talk to her when I need something (except I never ask for shit)
2) like to mess with her to fulfill my "hidden" fantasies of seeing her stressed out, and she considers it an acceptable punishment to humiliate and verbally abuse me whenever she feels like it
3) purposefully neglect my own health to worry her (see above)
4) am nothing but a waste of time and oxygen because I have my own mindsets and opinions, some of which conflict with hers, so I must be hopeless

I'm supposed to be sharing a house with this narcissist. I'm starting to believe she's a mental case.
Every time I feel an ounce of happiness she just likes to crap all over it with her bullshit, I bet she takes pleasure doing it.
Nothing makes me happy any longer. Things I used to enjoy have no effect on me whatsoever now. I can't talk to anyone because no one cares. Why would they, any way? I'm just a burden, we all know it. I don't blame them, I just spread negative energy all over the place. But sometimes I wish I had that one person I can talk to about everything no matter how personal. I've also noticed that some people at school really enjoy trying to piss me off, for whatever reason, they're aware of it.
I just want to run away from this place, run and never look back. Start fresh somewhere else. But this is all just me fantasizing, that will never happen. I don't know how to end this, consider it an update I suppose. I just want something that will make me happy again. That will make me feel anything besides what I feel right now.
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Old January 31st, 2017, 10:06 PM   #10
Dalcourt
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Default Re: There's nothing worth living for.

@Jinglebottom I can kinda relate to what you say about your mother. My Dad used to act the same...it's my fault his life is bad and so on. He was not only verbally and mentally abusive but to a great deal physical.
I always wanted to run away, leave all this bullshit behind. Now he is in jail and I have a all those chances...in fact I will leave the country soon to stay with some relatives...I should be happy since my dream has come true to leave all the shit behind but honestly I am not.

So what I want to tell you is, it's hard to find things to make oneself happy. Even if you think this or that could make you happy it might not in the end...so I have given up on pursuing this goal. When something comes along and makes me happy fine....if not it's okay, too. Looking from something or someone else to make me feel better usually only made me feel worse in the end.
Finding someone who cares and you could talk to about anything? That person does not exist. Everyone will hurt you either knowingly or by accident.

Hurt feelings, disappointments, bad people, sadness, loneliness and all those other negative things are part of our lives...we just dwell too much on them and if we suffer from depression even more...and that's what makes life so bad. Do we ever think so much about the good things that happened?
Like if someone at school says something that pisses me off my thoughts are on it for the whole day I ask myself why this person hates me etc. however if someone is nice I kinda take it for granted and don't think about it further.

So yeah I can't give you any advice on how to feel better but I have learnt that it's important to not take negative things in and around us so serious. We usually just see the bad things, so seeing the other is what we have to concentrate on instead of asking ourselves why everything is bad cuz it is not.
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Old February 1st, 2017, 02:50 PM   #11
Jinglebottom
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Default Re: There's nothing worth living for.

@Peanut_ Sorry about what you had to go through with your father. You really do deserve better than that.
You're right, I should stop fooling myself thinking all my negative feelings will go away if I find something to distract me. Nothing will make me happy if I'm not happy and comfortable with myself, which I definitely am not... I just wonder why I take all good things that happen for granted, but always dwell on all the bad things that happen during the day, it's like my mind was made this way. But nowadays I wake up expecting my day to be shit, so even the littlest kind gesture surprises me a bit. I just wish I could be a bit more "numb" mentally if that makes sense.
Anyways, thanks for your help. I appreciate it.
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