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Old August 8th, 2016, 12:13 AM   #1
gherkin2pickle
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Default I feel a relapse coming on

End of 7th grade all through the first semester of 9th grade, I had depression, leading to self harm and anorexia. I got better in the second half of freshman year, but certain feelings still linger. I still gaze at the scars on my arms and thighs and wonder if I could make more. I still hate myself, to an extent. I don't think I'm smart, and I don't think I'm cut out to be anything more than an antisocial, pathetic person anyway. As I'm typing this and retelling my story, it doesn't seem like I got much better at all. But hear me out.

The self harm started before I became depressed. I had really long nails at the time, and started rubbing them against my arm consistently until the skin was red and raw. It never bled, but it would ooze after a few minutes. I was just curious, a young lil 7th grader. But I kept doing it, and when depression set in for whatever reason, it got worse. My arms were (and still are) scarred and discolored from all of the friction burns I created. As time went on, I graduated to cutting. First on my wrists. But then I couldn't hide them, so I went to my torso, then to my thighs. That's where most of the damage took place. Most nights, blood was running down my legs and pooling on the floor at my feet. I couldn't even feel the cuts. No matter how many I made, it just didn't seem like enough. Then, I switched to anorexia. Maybe if I were pretty, I would be happy. So cutting stopped, for the most part. Now it was just starvation. It never got super bad though, my lowest weight ever was 103 lbs, but it was consistent around 108. Then one day in U.S. History freshman year, I decided not to be sad and changed my ways and recovered. I only self harmed once after, a few months ago. Another friction burn on my arm, using a screwdriver. I just feel myself becoming steadily more sad. I feel like I'm relapsing, but I'm not sure. Perhaps it's just a phase. I dunno. But I do know that the idea of cutting or bruising right now doesn't sound all bad. So please, tell me what to do. How do I make sure that I don't fall into the same hole again? Thank you.
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Old August 8th, 2016, 01:21 AM   #2
Uniquemind
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Default Re: I feel a relapse coming on

Quote:
Originally Posted by gherkin2pickle View Post
End of 7th grade all through the first semester of 9th grade, I had depression, leading to self harm and anorexia. I got better in the second half of freshman year, but certain feelings still linger. I still gaze at the scars on my arms and thighs and wonder if I could make more. I still hate myself, to an extent. I don't think I'm smart, and I don't think I'm cut out to be anything more than an antisocial, pathetic person anyway. As I'm typing this and retelling my story, it doesn't seem like I got much better at all. But hear me out.

The self harm started before I became depressed. I had really long nails at the time, and started rubbing them against my arm consistently until the skin was red and raw. It never bled, but it would ooze after a few minutes. I was just curious, a young lil 7th grader. But I kept doing it, and when depression set in for whatever reason, it got worse. My arms were (and still are) scarred and discolored from all of the friction burns I created. As time went on, I graduated to cutting. First on my wrists. But then I couldn't hide them, so I went to my torso, then to my thighs. That's where most of the damage took place. Most nights, blood was running down my legs and pooling on the floor at my feet. I couldn't even feel the cuts. No matter how many I made, it just didn't seem like enough. Then, I switched to anorexia. Maybe if I were pretty, I would be happy. So cutting stopped, for the most part. Now it was just starvation. It never got super bad though, my lowest weight ever was 103 lbs, but it was consistent around 108. Then one day in U.S. History freshman year, I decided not to be sad and changed my ways and recovered. I only self harmed once after, a few months ago. Another friction burn on my arm, using a screwdriver. I just feel myself becoming steadily more sad. I feel like I'm relapsing, but I'm not sure. Perhaps it's just a phase. I dunno. But I do know that the idea of cutting or bruising right now doesn't sound all bad. So please, tell me what to do. How do I make sure that I don't fall into the same hole again? Thank you.
I would try getting a hobby or at least go through motions and a lot of physical exercise that might help stimulate serotonin and dopamine production.

Therapy is also something to look into, consulting professionals is always a must.

As for feeling pretty, recognize how society has changed the definition of pretty, to that of being healthy and athletic rather than bone model thin.

There has been a difference in these past 6 years or so.

To do that focus on getting nutrients, rather than calories.

Harness what is good and filter out what is bad, and avoid extremes.
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Old August 12th, 2016, 02:05 PM   #3
jamie_n5
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Default Re: I feel a relapse coming on

Quote:
Originally Posted by Uniquemind View Post
I would try getting a hobby or at least go through motions and a lot of physical exercise that might help stimulate serotonin and dopamine production.

Therapy is also something to look into, consulting professionals is always a must.

As for feeling pretty, recognize how society has changed the definition of pretty, to that of being healthy and athletic rather than bone model thin.

There has been a difference in these past 6 years or so.

To do that focus on getting nutrients, rather than calories.

Harness what is good and filter out what is bad, and avoid extremes.
I agree with this answer he says it all.

I am gay and happy with that.
I love talking to people very open & willing to listen.
I am also glad to try help with questions or problems.
Hit me up for anything. I promise I don't bite.
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Old August 12th, 2016, 10:10 PM   #4
Dalcourt
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Default Re: I feel a relapse coming on

Well as said befor try to look at the positive things in your life.
Find something to occupy yourself with and keep your mind of self-harming and being sad.
Can you talk to someone about it irl? If so do it of course.
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Old October 21st, 2016, 04:10 PM   #5
Godsdaughter
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Default Re: I feel a relapse coming on

OMG that sounds so awful. I'm so glad that you stopped and I truly hope that you don't start doing it again.
I'll be praying for you
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Old December 2nd, 2016, 03:25 PM   #6
gherkin2pickle
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Default Re: I feel a relapse coming on

Thank you everyone ^.^
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Old December 10th, 2016, 02:34 PM   #7
dude_g
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Default Re: I feel a relapse coming on

Love yourself!!
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Old December 10th, 2016, 07:31 PM   #8
thomy
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Default Re: I feel a relapse coming on

try to find something to keep your mind off of it
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