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Old October 30th, 2016, 11:03 PM   #1
Pangaea
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Join Date: October 30, 2016
Location: Auckland, New Zealand
Age: 18
Gender: Female
Default A robot in the elevator

I'll try explain this as best as I can.

I've never been good with emotions. When I was younger I'd force myself to show emotion even though it wasn't entirely comfortable and I was painfully aware of it all. But I'd still force myself show emotion. I'd watch other people and try copy them, but it never really worked and whenever I was watching them I could see every little change in their emotion, which pushed me down a bit more 'cause people could surely then see that the emotion I was showing was fake?
As I've gotten older I've become more aware of this. I'm not a complete robot: I'll show lots of emotion if I'm really emotional 'bout something. But a lot of the time it's just a show. Or when I do show emotion for other people, it won't be for long enough. I'd get tired of holding the expression for more than 10s, and they'll think somethings wrong with me, or that I'm not genuine.
I'd like to stress that I DO feel emotion at times, when I'm relaxed. It's just expressing it that's exhausting.
It's gotten to the point that a couple of my teachers think I'm clinically depressed. Most people avoid me. This has just prompted my looking very depressed. When I'm with friends I feel awful for just not being able to be as emotive as them... online I'm sweet as, but irl it's so difficult to get my message across.
Does anyone else have experiences like this? Or any advice is welcome.

So. The second part (or one of the results of being a robot).

Imagine a tower with an infinite number of floors. Every floor is home to 1000s of a specific type of person, eg. Quiet boys who are very kind and sweet and game a bit. People don't usually go to floors that aren't their own.
I'm in the elevator. The elevator goes to floors at random and doesn't stop for long. I can't go onto the floors by myself. I can just about experience them, but it's looking through a keyhole: I can sorta see all the amzing, incredible stuff going on inside but I can't go in myself.
Sometimes other people comd into the elevator. They encourage me to their floors (they're my key) but I'll always end up having to leave. Being in their floors makes me feel sick. I'll end up sitting in a corner of the elevator, tryna ignore the world.
I guess I feel disconnected and inbetween. I so, so want to just have normal relationships, or to be able to completely block out the world like I see so many people do. But I can't. I will always hear (or think I hear) their taunts and judgements and criticisms, and their invitations and welcomes out of the elevator.

It's making me feel so shit. I've felt this way since about may-march this year (2016). I've been trying to disassociate myself from my friends 'cause sometimes I just can't stand to continue, because I feel like a burden and worse. I want to tell people, but I've heard how so many talk about people like this: with so much pity and worry, or apathy and as something to be laughed at 'cause we all complain so much 'bout shit that everyone goes through.

Sorry for the novel. Does anyone have any advice?
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Old October 31st, 2016, 10:29 PM   #2
Matryoshkasystem
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Name: Thane
Join Date: April 7, 2016
Age: 16
Gender: Neutral
Default Re: A robot in the elevator

I was in the exact same position, or at least very similar. It is actually a self-defense mechanism gone wrong-since you feel but fake-. Also DO NOT DISSOCIATE, that will only increase the gap. For me it was due to everything I went through as a little kid and a toxic friendship. Try and take notice of when you feel emotions, and rate how strong they are, or don't try and hide it to your parents and get a therapist, I can only talk through what my therapist told me. A therapist is meant to help you get to the place you want to be. Also, you may just be more logical, like me, I usually don't showcase emotions much, but everyone knows I'm sensitive & slightly volatile once you get my emotions out.Also with the elevator, take advantage of that aspect, I felt the same way, for me its more of a nomad, always moving in between the groups, but this is benifical, you can gain valuable insight some other can't. Also, yes you will always feel like you need permission in, but, if they actually feel like a friend, remember that key won't go away. I know you may see it as us less advice, but this is my advice.
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Old November 2nd, 2016, 03:58 PM   #3
Pangaea
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Join Date: October 30, 2016
Location: Auckland, New Zealand
Age: 18
Gender: Female
Default Re: A robot in the elevator

I've been trying to expand my emotions, and I think it works sometimes, but it's never as fluid or comfortable as other peoples. It feels like someone's jamming two non matching pieces of a puzzle together. My parents are pretty sure nothing's wrong with me, and maybe there isn't and it's just hormones. I don't think I'll be going to a therapist.
I tell myself that I stay connected to all sorts of people, but not truly connected, to like you said gain valuable insight. I like seeing how other people are.
But I'm very quiet, and I screw up my words when I try talk. They think me weird, awkward and uncomfortable, so leave me alone... I get nervous to speak even more 'cause I worry about what they'll counter it with, even if they're not there. Everyone seems to talk so much shit about everyone else, many of whom are amzing people, and then there's me. They'd be saying much worse about me.
Not useless advice: thanks for replying. I'll keep trying.
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