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Old October 24th, 2016, 01:36 PM   #1
devotionnel
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Name: shay
Join Date: December 3, 2015
Gender: Female
Default Back again; tw

Yep, back in this sub forum again, I see.

Currently, I'm feeling borderline suicidal. I'm starting to cumulatively hate life, and it just feels like I'd be less of a burden on everyone else if I was six foot under. I've felt like this on and off for about a year but it definitely has a few spikes where it's worse than others. Right now, it is one of those times.

I can't call a suicide hotline, my mum checks on all my calls and texts, and the walls are thin so if I try and call (say, one of those lines where they don't show on a call log) she will be able to hear me.

Earlier on, I ended up cutting pretty hard. It was probably because of just all the pent up emotions I had had and ended up taking it out on myself. It took a long time to quit bleeding even with self-care. I know I shouldn't have done it, or I should have maybe told parents for help, I don't need a lecture on that.

Also, I can't open up to any of my parents - or near enough anyone - about this because they all have their own stresses which I definitely don't want to add on to. If I try and tell them they wouldn't understand it either and more likely than not they would try and deal with it in the wrong way which will only make me feel even worse and more guilty.

Some of my friends have family problems, etc and they'd be the only ones who understand and I don't think they want any more stress coping with a suicidal friend, either. I know for a fact that if and when I try and tell people externally they'll tell me I'm a danger to myself and will contact my parents which then gets me back at square 1. Honestly, I would like to tell a teacher I trust, because they've helped me in the past, but as aforementioned, they'd be obligated to follow it through with school counselling and contacting my parents.

I just really needed to get this out into text right now, mostly just to connect my thoughts together since they're everywhere right now. Thanks for reading.

Tl;dr - I'm a mess please help me

i feel your warmth / it feels like home
devotionnel ~ help and advice moderator
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*Mars was here*

Last edited by devotionnel; October 24th, 2016 at 04:23 PM. Reason: typo / clarity
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Old October 27th, 2016, 10:51 AM   #2
ImCoolBeans
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Default Re: Back again; tw

I'm sorry you're feeling this way, Shanie. You are not a burden and you need to stop thinking of yourself as such. I can tell you for certain that you would not be better off dead, and that would actually be a burden, not your existence. It's difficult to talk to people about things like this, given the sensitive nature of the topic, but have you tried? If you told a close friend or family member that you were feeling depressed they might be a lot more open to talking about it than you think. They may have even gone through something similar that you aren't aware of. Even if it's not the most productive conversation, it means a lot to have somebody hear you out, and could potentially end up giving you more confidence to talk about it more, or with somebody else.

You mentioned a few times that you don't want to put more of a burden on your friends or family, but by not talking to anybody you're putting an immense burden on yourself, internalizing all of those thoughts. Once you're in a negative state of mind like you've described, it is extremely easy to keep working yourself up, and putting yourself down. If you're constantly putting yourself down and calling yourself a burden to other people, you are not giving yourself the chance to start recovering. It's hard to love yourself, but before you can really let anybody help you, you need to start doing just that. You need to be your own biggest fan, and you need to start thinking about putting yourself first, despite how difficult that can be to do. When I'm feeling like that or I'm feeling like nothing is going my way/that I'm useless or not worth it, I take some time to think about why I am worth it, why I'm not a waste.

When I'm feeling that way I try to think about why I'm feeling down, or what is making me feel that way. If I can pinpoint something and think it over, trying to look at it a little more rationally, it helps me to feel better understanding why I'm feeling that way. It can also help motivate you to make a change. I strongly believe that life is what you make of it. I think that everybody has the opportunity to make their lives better/more enjoyable in some way, which could be different for everybody. You are so close to being able to make more decisions and plans for yourself, only three years away. And whether those plans involve school, or whatever else you want to do, you're going to be able to realize them in the near future. It's a great feeling, and it will be the start of the rest of your life. Don't give that up now, before you really get a chance to shine and make your life what you want it to be.

If you ever want to talk I'm always happy to help in whatever way I can. Don't hesitate to shoot me a PM.

Always here to help. Don't hesitate to PM me.


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Old October 30th, 2016, 01:18 PM   #3
devotionnel
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Name: shay
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Default Re: Back again; tw

Ugh. It just feels like things are getting worse.

I try to be there for people who seriously and genuinely need my help, including some people on here, but it sometimes tends to affect my other conversations with my friends out of VT. One of these people is my best friend, and she is just making me feel so crappy as of late. She says that everything is all my fault and that she's going to leave me if I continue to act the way I have been for the last 24 hours. She's been the only friend I could ever class as my best friend, so in that respect she is my one and only best friend. She sees me in that way too, and she's told me as such. Heck, sometimes people mistake us for dating because we're usually joined at the hip. We are so so close, and I can't lose her. I really can't.

Feeling like this makes me want to jump in front of a car right now. I feel so empty, and lost, and I just feel like I can't continue any more. It just feels like everyone wants to leave me. I'm so scared.

Please. Right now, I feel like I'm beyond caring who, I just want someone. To tell me it's all going to be okay.

i feel your warmth / it feels like home
devotionnel ~ help and advice moderator
PM melast.fmVM me
21.12.16 <3

~Endeavour was here~
*Mars was here*

Last edited by devotionnel; October 30th, 2016 at 01:41 PM.
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