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Old April 2nd, 2016, 04:11 PM   #1
GothSwimmer
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Default Hiding it only hurts

The main reason I joined this forum was because for more than a few years I was abused by my brother, but he's gone away now. Certainly a sexual awakening.

The oddest thing is although I know it was abuse, I miss him. I hate that it sometimes felt good physically, even though emotionally and mentally I was terrified.

*sigh*

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Old April 2nd, 2016, 04:25 PM   #2
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Default Re: Hiding it only hurts

I am sorry to hear that.That's not odd,it's the same way for me but it was a friend not a brother.

~Serra
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Old April 2nd, 2016, 04:40 PM   #3
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Default Re: Hiding it only hurts

Did your friend get arrested? In my brother's case, he had to go and live elsewhere.

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Old April 2nd, 2016, 04:52 PM   #4
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Default Re: Hiding it only hurts

Hi and welcome to vteen. That sounds like a very traumatic experience, have you asked to see a counsellor or decided whether to bring the matter to the police?

You should find others in situations like yours on here which will help, just watch out for trolls, there are creepers everywhere online ._.

In terms of 'sometimes it physically felt good', you may find looking up advice on dealing with the aftermath of rape helpful. We have external receptors that stimulate nerves, think of it like buttons that are being pressed that cause certain reactions, such as arousal and physically feeling good. The nerves being stimulated react outside of concious control, physical stimualtion alone without mental arousal will cause reactions, regardless of who or what is stimulating them; and how much you want it to stop.

Survivors of sexual abuse or rape often have guilt or difficulties with having physically felt good during the abuse, but it's for this very reason. In time when you become romantically and physically inolved with someone you love and chose (and please take it slow, you need to heal), then your feelings will shift away more. It's just all you've known.

I hope this helps in some way,

~ Clara

Prod the lioness, Expect the claws.

I am romantically entwined with my brother, and all that love entails.

Your inability to understand my point in no way invalidates it.

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Old April 2nd, 2016, 04:58 PM   #5
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Default Re: Hiding it only hurts

I'm seeing a counselor, but I find the whole "expressing things with an adult" unhelpful. She recommended I speak to a trusted friend about it. My friend recommended I come here I'm being bounced around a little.

I know the physical feelings were only that, but they're memorable. To be crude - I can still feel him very deeply inside me, both emotionally and physically. It's not a feeling I can shake. Like you said, it's something I need to take time to get over. I've tried being with someone else, but that was a stupid mistake, and just made me think of my brother.

Eh. I think I'm a little screwed up. But at least I'm in good company!

Thank you

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Old April 2nd, 2016, 05:29 PM   #6
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Default Re: Hiding it only hurts

Maybe you just didn't 'click' with that counsellor, or abuse wasn't her area of expertise, she may be able to recommend someone. Worth a try. Btw you should leave a counsellor feeling uncomfortable or they may not have done their job right. It should rile you to think.

I don't see why all 3 aren't all viable options in conjunction, certainly a support group might help even more so. Could ask about one maybe? Survivors of abuse can fall into a spiral of reinacting the abuse patterns with others, or seeking out sexual relationships as a result of the trauma. I know i keep speaking generically, but whilst your experience is yours alone, it shares commonality with others.

It would be weirder if you weren't a bit screwed up by it all hah...

~ Clara

Prod the lioness, Expect the claws.

I am romantically entwined with my brother, and all that love entails.

Your inability to understand my point in no way invalidates it.

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Old April 3rd, 2016, 02:16 AM   #7
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Default Re: Hiding it only hurts

There aren't any youth support groups in my local area unfortunately. I really don't feel like counselling will help me much. I find the hums and haws, and sympathetic words a little too much to bear. I'm tougher than that.

And don't worry - I won't be revisiting my experiences on anyone. I have a younger sister who I experimented with when I was younger, but these days I'm very protective of her. I wouldn't want her to ever come to harm.

Woo! My second photo album has been approved!

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Old April 3rd, 2016, 02:24 AM   #8
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Default Re: Hiding it only hurts

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Originally Posted by GothSwimmer View Post
Did your friend get arrested? In my brother's case, he had to go and live elsewhere.
No,no one found out. I don't like talking about it to a counsellor or adult also,I have tried it before and they just made me feel worse so i stopped going. I think if you can help yourself then go ahead,other people can't always help.

~Serra
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Old April 3rd, 2016, 02:31 AM   #9
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No,no one found out. I don't like talking about it to a counsellor or adult also,I have tried it before and they just made me feel worse so i stopped going. I think if you can help yourself then go ahead,other people can't always help.
I think you're right there. I guess time will tell on whether I end up screwed up forever!

Woo! My second photo album has been approved!

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Old April 3rd, 2016, 02:33 AM   #10
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I think you're right there. I guess time will tell on whether I end up screwed up forever!
I think there's a way to recover no matter how bad it was,all the best.

~Serra
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Old April 3rd, 2016, 03:33 AM   #11
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Default Re: Hiding it only hurts

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Originally Posted by Serra View Post
No,no one found out. I don't like talking about it to a counsellor or adult also,I have tried it before and they just made me feel worse so i stopped going. I think if you can help yourself then go ahead,other people can't always help.
As I say, the only way to break out of your thoughts is to get into conflict with them. That means feeling worse before you feel better. What are you doing as an alternative and is it working?

Quote:
Originally Posted by GothSwimmer View Post
There aren't any youth support groups in my local area unfortunately. I really don't feel like counselling will help me much. I find the hums and haws, and sympathetic words a little too much to bear. I'm tougher than that.

And don't worry - I won't be revisiting my experiences on anyone. I have a younger sister who I experimented with when I was younger, but these days I'm very protective of her. I wouldn't want her to ever come to harm.
Why must it be a youth group though? Adults share the same experiences.

'Hums and haws' are used to force you into elaborating on what is said. They aren't there to provide answers or advice, but to shake up how you're thinking so you can reassemble the pieces in a more coherant order.

And why do you feel you Have to be tougher than that? What's wrong with feeling hurt? Isn't that pride and stubborness getting in the way?

You can understand the sympathy, you were hurt, it's a sad story. But at the same time it shouldn't be expressed too much, that too isn't helpful from a counsellor.

But if you can find a way that works outside of counselling then there's no right/wrong process, just the one that works for you. Just make sure you are doing it for the right reasons.

And by repeating abuse cycles I mainly meant seeking relationships that place the individual back into the same position, not become the abuser.

~ Clara

Prod the lioness, Expect the claws.

I am romantically entwined with my brother, and all that love entails.

Your inability to understand my point in no way invalidates it.

DO NOT PM ME TROLLS - I WILL NOT TELL YOU EROTIC
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Old April 3rd, 2016, 03:45 AM   #12
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Default Re: Hiding it only hurts

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As I say, the only way to break out of your thoughts is to get into conflict with them. That means feeling worse before you feel better. What are you doing as an alternative and is it working?
yea I agree. I am just not caring any more so nothing can get to me,like it doesn't matter. It's working but thats just me,it might not work for others. Maybe it's worth a try if someone finds telling others about it is not working for them.

~Serra
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Old April 3rd, 2016, 08:47 AM   #13
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yea I agree. I am just not caring any more so nothing can get to me,like it doesn't matter. It's working but thats just me,it might not work for others. Maybe it's worth a try if someone finds telling others about it is not working for them.
Well it's certainly one thing to say you don't care anymore, it is certainly another to live it. I'm sure for the OP it doesn't feel like such an easy decision, but I get the perspective of it being in the past. We aren't the same people necessarily that we were a year ago.

Careful though that by 'not caring' about it, you don't stop caring about everything else, numbing is only temporary. I wish you luck regardless.

~ Clara

Prod the lioness, Expect the claws.

I am romantically entwined with my brother, and all that love entails.

Your inability to understand my point in no way invalidates it.

DO NOT PM ME TROLLS - I WILL NOT TELL YOU EROTIC
INCEST STORIES. Can spot trolls 100 miles off. Thank you.
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Old April 3rd, 2016, 10:48 AM   #14
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Default Re: Hiding it only hurts

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Well it's certainly one thing to say you don't care anymore, it is certainly another to live it. I'm sure for the OP it doesn't feel like such an easy decision, but I get the perspective of it being in the past. We aren't the same people necessarily that we were a year ago.

Careful though that by 'not caring' about it, you don't stop caring about everything else, numbing is only temporary. I wish you luck regardless.

~ Clara
Yea,I'm not saying it works for everyone,it's just another coping method I'll throw out there in case it helps someone. Thanks.

~Serra
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Old April 3rd, 2016, 11:28 AM   #15
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Default Re: Hiding it only hurts

Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraWho View Post
Why must it be a youth group though? Adults share the same experiences.

'Hums and haws' are used to force you into elaborating on what is said. They aren't there to provide answers or advice, but to shake up how you're thinking so you can reassemble the pieces in a more coherant order.

And why do you feel you Have to be tougher than that? What's wrong with feeling hurt? Isn't that pride and stubborness getting in the way?

You can understand the sympathy, you were hurt, it's a sad story. But at the same time it shouldn't be expressed too much, that too isn't helpful from a counsellor.

But if you can find a way that works outside of counselling then there's no right/wrong process, just the one that works for you. Just make sure you are doing it for the right reasons.

And by repeating abuse cycles I mainly meant seeking relationships that place the individual back into the same position, not become the abuser.

~ Clara
You are right, of course. I do need to get over my pride and accept help when it's offered. I was going to add a "but" to that. Instead, I'm going to think about rethinking counselling.

Woo! My second photo album has been approved!

This forum is partly to thank for getting my life back on track. I'm a happy GothSwimmer.


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Old April 10th, 2016, 05:40 AM   #16
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Default Re: Hiding it only hurts

It's sometimes happens to 'feel good' during abuse because it doesn't fall under the control of the concious part of the brain. I've read somewhere that 50-75% of rape victims unwantedly experienced orgasm. I think it has to do with the autonomous nervous system which is for example tasked to keep the heart and all other organs working.

Now, about counselling, it really depends on the counsellor. My school counsellor is shit and I wouldn't trust her with anything, but a private therapist I went to really helped. I guess you can talk to a friend but beware- they don't have an oath or contract to keep it private. Also if you had fond memories with your brother prior to this ordeal, I guess it's sort of normal to miss him. You can find a person to fill the gap he left open I guess. In any case, I wish the best of luckto you.

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Old April 10th, 2016, 03:41 PM   #17
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Default Re: Hiding it only hurts

Thank you

Woo! My second photo album has been approved!

This forum is partly to thank for getting my life back on track. I'm a happy GothSwimmer.


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Old April 11th, 2016, 06:05 AM   #18
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Default Re: Hiding it only hurts

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Originally Posted by Stronk Serb View Post
It's sometimes happens to 'feel good' during abuse because it doesn't fall under the control of the concious part of the brain. I've read somewhere that 50-75% of rape victims unwantedly experienced orgasm. I think it has to do with the autonomous nervous system which is for example tasked to keep the heart and all other organs working.

Now, about counselling, it really depends on the counsellor. My school counsellor is shit and I wouldn't trust her with anything, but a private therapist I went to really helped. I guess you can talk to a friend but beware- they don't have an oath or contract to keep it private. Also if you had fond memories with your brother prior to this ordeal, I guess it's sort of normal to miss him. You can find a person to fill the gap he left open I guess. In any case, I wish the best of luckto you.

That fact and statistic really forced me to look at the human body more as a machine that just happens to do stuff on it's own accord without whatever meaning society pushes on what it does. I had to dissociate the concept and that really hard because that's not what you learn when your little.

The sex act and the body feedback you get is damn confusing because it breaks the black-white understanding of pain = bad, and unwanted, pleasure = good, wanted.

The only analogy I think of is forced-tickling, but that's really it. You smile and laugh usually in a playful context, but one can classify the act as a violation as well.


I find that society makes it difficult to see one's body as a machine, that we're supposed to be good stewards of, but at the same time is programmed to do what it's supposed to do.

I was also told once that the reason one might feel aroused in the moment of being forced is that it is the body's defense mechanism to prevent further physical harm since it senses what it might have to endure.

Sadly the phenomenon isn't new and as long as humans have existed it makes sense for survival.

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Old October 20th, 2016, 11:04 PM   #19
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Default Re: Hiding it only hurts

Before I reply to this, I have a question: Was he sexually abusing you?
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Old October 20th, 2016, 11:23 PM   #20
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Please don't post in threads with more than two months of inactivity.



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