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Old September 5th, 2016, 04:13 PM   #1
devotionnel
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Default I'm a wreck right now /trigger warning/

So basically for the last couple of days (maybe even weeks now) I've been debating whether to post this thread or not. I'll be just about to click submit and then just delete it or I'll be pondering it for a long time. It's now gotten to the stage where I'm scared to write all of this out to anyone else, and I only really feel comfortable getting this out on VT. I hope someone can be of some aid during my time of need and desperation. There's no other way to put it, really.

I really just feel like I've reached the end of my tether now. If some of you have seen previous threads of mine discussing similar topics, it'll show that I get wound up very easily and I find myself hiding in a pit of anxiety and stress. I also get very drastic changes of mood where one second I will be happy and seemingly normal and the next I'll be feeling intense feelings of dread and I'll be completely withdrawn.

There are many examples I could use of the above described events, but I think earlier today is the best example I could possibly give. It was my first day of the school year after summer break and many people were saying I was withdrawn for the entirety of the day, ignoring them, etc. I mean I can accept that because I was just very anxious about starting school. Then I would get very angry over little things, like annoying voices or just seeing people I dislike. There was one small thing stupid (but true, still didn't want to hear it though) about an ex of mine and I went full maniac. I went off on a screaming fit, on a partial rampage going around looking for him to scream at him (it wasn't even a thing that would have bothered me normally). I didn't find him in the end, but I ended up punching a wall or 2 and just overall throwing a tantrum.

All night people have been messaging me; even those I barely talk to. Saying oh what was up with you today? And it got to the point where it was my phone exploding from messages and I'm uncomfortable with messaging like more than 2 people so this felt like a massive shock to my system. Then there were people messaging me "oh, text so and so back" and "why aren't you texting me back? Why are you acting up with me? What's wrong with you today?" And it just got way too much. My main problem was my best friend saying that I was pushing her away and she was just going to leave if I couldn't tell her what was wrong. I genuinely got scared but my brain was telling me to push her out and I really couldn't find anything to reply with and that's what has kind of hurt the most. I don't even know how to talk to my own best friend - who I tell everything to and she tells everything to me - anymore.

I'm now reaching the point where the only thing will help is music or a vent to a select few, but now I'm getting scared I'm worrying them too much and I'm taking more than I give to them even though they incessantly deny it. I just seem to doubt myself over and over and my head physically can't keep up with all of my thoughts. Just trying to think about one thing will make my brain go into overdrive.

If any of you keep tabs on the Self Harm Calendar (I notice some of you may do) you can see me hitting day 0 frequently. It's been a while since I've gone past half a week and when I see these numbers I know my mind is slowly deteriorating and there's just going to be one big drop one day. I have no clue when that could be. Tomorrow? Never? I know one day it'll drive me to cutting a vital artery or something or "it'll be the death of me" which a few people have actually said to me when I open up about my self harming. Right now? I would rather that than have to cope with the mess that's called my head.

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Old September 5th, 2016, 04:24 PM   #2
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Default Re: I'm a wreck right now /trigger warning/

Right Shanie first of all buddy, venting to friends is sooo important!! They're your friends buddy, they're genuinely happy to help you!

Is there any reason in particular why you were so easily irradiated today?

Could you talk to the school about getting anger management buddy? Maybe they could set up a quite place you can go to when you get like that?

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Old September 5th, 2016, 04:25 PM   #3
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Default Re: I'm a wreck right now /trigger warning/

That is a very bad place to be. I wish I had advice toward the self-harm, because I really hate to hear you're hurting yourself, but I've never self-harmed. I can relate to pushing your best friend away--I did the same thing. It lasted for months; I wouldn't call or text her, I'd hardly talk to her when we saw each other at school... it was really tough. I just felt like since she couldn't relate to what I was going through, there was no point in talking to her. I know the pain seems interminable but trust me, it's not. If you ever need to talk don't hesitate to drop me a message. I genuinely hope things get better for you Shanie.

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Old September 5th, 2016, 05:06 PM   #4
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Default Re: I'm a wreck right now /trigger warning/

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Right Shanie first of all buddy, venting to friends is sooo important!! They're your friends buddy, they're genuinely happy to help you!
Right now, they have their own problems going on. It makes me feel bad if I burden them with my own problems when they don't exactly feel like they can do the same to me. It just doesn't seem right... like I said earlier, more taking than giving.

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Is there any reason in particular why you were so easily irritated today?

Could you talk to the school about getting anger management buddy? Maybe they could set up a quite place you can go to when you get like that?
I think it may have been the nervousness mounting and just over thinking things the night before. I was constantly drilling into my head that something bad was gonna happen today and it just got me into a state at the end, I guess.

This is the first instance of me being incredibly mad in public ever. I'm always usually composed and this surprised a lot of my friends ("I didn't know you got angry"). I don't think anger management would help me benefit from something I can't control when it could be any mood that's coming.

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I can relate to pushing your best friend away--I did the same thing. It lasted for months; I wouldn't call or text her, I'd hardly talk to her when we saw each other at school... it was really tough. I just felt like since she couldn't relate to what I was going through, there was no point in talking to her. I know the pain seems interminable but trust me, it's not.
Like I just replied to Jack, she has a lot of her own problems too and we both need each other to help one another out. It's usually me being the more selfish one towards her saying I don't want to help her and it's her fault (a bad mood can generally be blamed for this - I would never mean to purposely say these things to her). In this circumstance neither of us are in anyway capable to help each other out. We have just agreed on emotional support while we are at school, i.e. me getting extremely mad again, after telling her she now knows how to calm me.

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Old September 5th, 2016, 06:13 PM   #5
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Default Re: I'm a wreck right now /trigger warning/

@twentyonehorizons

I think the best thing you can do is keep the emotional support between you and your friend mutual. It sounds like you both really need each other, so don't let that support go only one way. Make sure she knows that if you say something hurtful it's the result of a bad mood and you didn't intentionally hurt her feelings.

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Old September 5th, 2016, 06:58 PM   #6
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Default Re: I'm a wreck right now /trigger warning/

Well I hope that you can calm down somehow and manage your stress and anger. Venting is good and I have a CD with all my favorite mellow mood calming music that I listen too when bummed out or upset about something. You are obviously worrying and starting a lot of concern by the fit of anger you had in school. You just have to control yourself and not let things get to you so much. Maybe talk with a school counselor about your problems.

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Old September 5th, 2016, 10:32 PM   #7
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Default Re: I'm a wreck right now /trigger warning/

This is really tough, Shanie.
I understand that you don't want to burden your friends but it is important not to sever yourself from them now.
How did you feel after getting mad and screaming? Did it help you or did you feel worse?
I understand how having such a lot of people messaging you can be stressful but doesn't it also show you how many people actually care? I would not really take the time to message a classmate I don't care about whatever they'd do.

I understand about your fear of emotions just showing up at random and you are not sure how to deal with them. Being bipolar I kinda have been living with this all my life.
Same goes for self-harming I have moved from cutting myself to other forms that won't kill me by accident as I just can't stop myself from it at the moment.

I don't know you well enough to really tell you what to do...it's your body and mind after all but from reading all these things it seems like helping yourself with music and other coping mechanisms isn't enough anymore. I really think you need some professional to guide you. It would be the best to find help now cuz if you don't I'm afraid your condition could get a lot worse.
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Old September 5th, 2016, 10:52 PM   #8
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Default Re: I'm a wreck right now /trigger warning/

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Old September 6th, 2016, 07:05 PM   #9
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Default Re: I'm a wreck right now /trigger warning/

It's funny that when I hear someone talk about these sorts of manic tantrums, my first reaction is sort of disbelief. It's rare that I ever see anyone have such a reaction, but one of my friends said she felt like screaming at this annoying kid once and I just sort of got a more clear picture of it. She didn't actually have the reaction, but she really wanted to. When she said it, I could tell she was serious and that she was breaking.

Stress is the most likely cause for this--at least in my experience. Every time I've seen someone act out like this--and it is, admittedly, few times--it is out of stress or sadness, or perhaps a combination of both. It's funny because it is rarely ever out of pure anger. Their minds just collapse because of the weight put on them, expressing those emotions in the form of anger.

Anyways, there are ways of helping with this. It's gonna sound stupid, but perhaps it stems from a perspective of your surroundings that is negative, a sort of innate belief that people and systems are out to get you. This usually arises from people thinking that they are bad and then it extends to them thinking the world is bad.

In truth, just contemplating that with a cool head can help. Analyze your perspective of the world, your connections to the things and people around you.

And remember that all of this is a stage in development for the modern world. Once you reach your twenties and beyond, these initial developments will be of use. You'll be more accustomed to dealing with the stresses of the outside world.

I write this as if I've already reached my twenties. In fact, I'm largely in the same boat as you. We're all learning how to deal with stresses and general sadness. This is only my sort of theory as to why we feel this way.

So, in short:
-Analyze perspective, relationships between you and others, etc.
-Contemplate why this anger forms; it could require some deep digging.
-Try to stay calm. A cool head always makes for good results. Meditation is a good way to accustom your mind to calmness.

I know this was a bit convoluted and ramble-y. I just figured I'd share my thoughts. Perhaps they were helpful. I hope they were and I hope you get to feeling more content and happy.
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Old September 11th, 2016, 04:10 AM   #10
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Default Re: I'm a wreck right now /trigger warning/

Aah. A kind of update, if you will.

All week during school hours I'd constantly be crying, shaking and panicking. I'd hate to be outside of a classroom (a fear of seeing people I didn't like or people who didn't like me) and being in certain classrooms or certain people in my classes would trigger me and my anxiety would go through the roof. It was near enough in every lesson where I would have to sit outside and just cry and let the panic attack pass.

As soon as I left school Friday, I was immediately anxious of returning on Monday. And it's all that's circulating my head right now. All weekend I've had panic attacks and I've been paranoid about Monday and going back go school. The school rang my parents too and now they're even more concerned. Two of my friends have seen the cuts on my arms and legs. It doesn't really seem to be getting much better for me.

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Old September 11th, 2016, 08:50 AM   #11
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Default Re: I'm a wreck right now /trigger warning/

I'm sorry to hear this Shanie, and I hope that you get better soon. Perhaps the school could offer some sort of mentoring/guidance counsellor or a smaller group to be in compared to a larger class. Trying to keep calm is key. If you feel a panic attack coming on, just breathe and hopefully you will be ok. While you are at home during the weekend and evenings, try to do something that keeps your mind of it. I see you like writing so perhaps that could help?



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Old September 11th, 2016, 09:42 AM   #12
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Default Re: I'm a wreck right now /trigger warning/

You just described my feelings towards some people/classes. Do the people who increase your anxiety talk to you? Or is it just being near them that makes you anxious? I deal with this as well, what works for me is trying to keep my attention away from them and focus on my work so we don't have to talk. I also make sure I wait until they're out of the classroom before I leave so I know they're not following me. Outside of class, to get away from them I either find a friend(s) or go it alone and avoid crossing paths with them as best as I can. As @Lost Horizon said, on the weekends do things to distract yourself like writing, listening to music etc. Hope this week goes better for you.

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