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Old June 14th, 2016, 03:24 AM   #1
Doc. Maestro
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Unhappy Losing my mind over a girl and other stuff [Possible TRIGGER warning]

Hi guys, I'm certain many of you would have forgotten me by now, if you're still here. But I'm back, for now at least. In this section of the forum that is, I've been hanging around the R&D section if anybody needs me for that sort of thing.

Anyway, I just need to spill so this is probably going to be a rambly post, I apologize in advance.

I went on a date this Sunday! It was great, really good. The girl I went out with is funny, smart, and equally as amazingly beautiful, just absolutely gorgeous (and she has the best sense of fashion in my opinion). But of course, with every plus there's a terrible minus lurking in the deep, dark corners of my mind. I'm starting to get this nagging and it's beginning to eat at me. I keep thinking I'm not worthy of her, and I'm getting really insecure about it. I've talked to her about some of these feelings, particularly things like how I'm afraid about messing this up, which I am, and she seems to be quite supportive of me and I've manage to spill some of my problems on her and she's received it very well and I'm so grateful that I found her and not some other girl who wouldn't give a rats ass.

But therein lies another problem: I'm afraid that my emotional baggage is going to scare her away. I've had a bad time with girls in the past, and I'm absolutely terrified of losing her, because to me she's special, much more than any other girl I've met. She's everything I could ask for, and more, far more. But I'm afraid of that for some reason, I'm afraid of losing that and I just don't want to be fucking afraid anymore. That's why I'm not telling her this, I'm not telling her the full depths of it. I've opened up a little bit, but I haven't told her everything because I'm afraid of how she'll react, and that's why I'm here.

[TRIGGER PARAGRAPH]
We're not anything official yet or whatever, nor have we done anything like holding hands or even kissed yet, but I feel a connection like no other before and it leaves me elated. But again, I'm so damn afraid. It doesn't help either that on top of all of this fear and insecurity, I have a lot of stress coming from school, though some of it has fortunately lifted today, it's not going to go away for the next two weeks and it's just becoming so much. I had to... self harm again today to cope. In the last period I was just unable to control myself, and stabbed a smiley into my arm using a sharp pencil. It's the first time I've relapsed in over 6 months I think, but I think it was the first time in 6 months it was because I actually needed it as opposed to it just started feeling good.

I had to pep talk myself in the mirror last night to stop myself from breaking down, right after I sat in the shower and just hugged myself for ages. My tears have gone dry though, I find that I can't bring myself to tears anymore over this for some reason. Perhaps I've felt this way so often my body can't be bothered to expend the extra salt and water, it knows it'll just be a waste because nobody ever sees them. I literally just stood in front of the mirror though and reassured myself, started talking to myself and it felt so real, like I was both giving a good friend life advice and receiving life advice from a good friend at the same time, a really strange experience. But I feel as if that's just the beginning of going insane, and perhaps it is, I don't know. God I'm just rambling and it feels kind of good to put this down somewhere.

But why am I doing this? Maybe I want attention, I think that's what it is. I want somebody to just hold me and tell me it's all going to be okay, but there's nobody to do that for me. There are plenty of people to just reassure me, but I want somebody I can just hold onto and just cry in the arms of, and that's another reason why I'm afraid to lose her, because I don't know if I'll ever be able to, or how she'd react to my wanting to just hold her for comfort. I'm so afraid for my mental state right now, I'm stressing so hard and FUCK I JUST CAN'T FUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. Fuck me, fuck this feeling, fuck everything that's bad WHY DO I HAVE TO LISTEN TO THESE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS I DON'T FUCKING WANT TO OR HAVE TO HAVE THESE THOUGHTS FUCK ME.

I don't even know. Thanks for reading I guess? Hope you had a good day or something.

Edit: When I told her I was worried about being clingy, she said I don't have to message her every single day. My brain is now interpreting that in multiple possibilities:
1) She's getting annoyed with my clinginess and wants more space
2) She is getting annoyed with me talking to her and it's putting her off
3) She's trying to help me not be so clingy by telling me not to worry
4) She doesn't want to talk to me all that much, she doesn't find me interesting
5) She' doesn't really like me and doesn't want to talk to me that much, and it only going on a second date out of pity for me
I'm stressing so much about everything I'm feeling really tired and just down and I have this heavy pit in my chest that's just eating away at me like a void

Note: This was copied and pasted directly from the "Depression, Loss, and Grief" forum, so some of the language used was directly speaking to that forum. I chose to put it here instead because I realized the topic fit better here. Thank you for reading if you did.

P.S.
I'm going absolutely insane, I can't think straight, I'm overthinking each little action and word she's saying and doing, and I don't know if I'm right or wrong and I can't sort out my thoughts properly, I'm just so afraid of losing her and as I've said before, it's basically because she means a lot to me and I don't want to lose her before we're even together. I'm just so worried and afraid. It's my insecurity rising up to challenge anything good that wants to come into my life and I don't want it to ruin everything again, please help me!

Edit: I'm in a mood where I simultaneously want to break down, cry, get angry, punch a wall, kill something, strangle something, cuddle with somebody, share my every thought, hide my every thought, hide my emotions, share my emotions, break things, break myself, cut myself, kill myself, live, survive, push through, just sleep, but I have to work, and I want to just rest, but I have to do schoolwork and study or I can't get a good grade, and if I can't get a good grade I can't get into med, and if I can't get into med school then I have to take the long route, and if I take the long route I may not even get in, and if I don't get in I don't even know what I'll do and I'm going nuts and I want to just tear into my chest and rip this void out why the fuck is this thing back I got rid of you so many times before why do you always fucking return and why is it always when something good's happening in my life why do you always come to ruin everything why must you do this why just why WHY WHY WHY THE FUCKING HELL fuck I'm sorry I'm getting really rambly and I'm starting to rant but this is everything I'm thinking right now please help me I can't stand this I'm stuck in my fucking head thinking this please I need help somebody anybody.... FUCK

Hey guys, this is partially for me but also for anybody else who may want it; my diary: http://www.virtualteen.org/forums/fo...play.php?f=514

For those who care: I've changed my username, I used to be Yan Hearn

Last edited by Doc. Maestro; June 14th, 2016 at 03:32 AM.
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Old June 14th, 2016, 08:36 AM   #2
Cadanance00
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Default Re: Losing my mind over a girl and other stuff [Possible TRIGGER warning]

She likes you but she's not in love with you. Just another human being in the world.

You're having a hard time with this fer shure. If you're not already, do you think mood stabilizers would help? Seems like your ups and downs are real extreme.

Last thing I would do is say your feelings aren't real.

Everybody wants attention, BTW. That's normal. I know what it's like to want people to approve of you, I'm that way too, but it's a different thing.

Best thing you can do is treat her like anybody that you like. If you want to text her every day, say you just think of something to tell her about every day. Like be there but not suffocating. Tell her she doesn't have to reply (tho you wait for her replies, obv.). What I mean is act like any other guy that likes her but is not all over her.

And know that you're going to be alright without her. There's somebody for everybody eventually.

~Caen

"You are wise, van Helsing, for one who has not yet lived one life."
-Count Dracula
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Old June 20th, 2016, 03:32 PM   #3
WhoWhatWhen
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Default Re: Losing my mind over a girl and other stuff [Possible TRIGGER warning]

I think you should talk to your parents or someone you trust about going to a doctor. Get help and advice from a professional. See if maybe a therapist could help you with managing all these feelings better.

For the girl; don't treat her differently than any other girl you have talked to. If you really do feel something and you think she does too, talk to her. Make sure you both are on the same page if you feel unsure of something. I doubt she thinks you're clingy, but just in case don't dump all you emotions on her at once and make her think you are nuts.

I hope you feel better soon.
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Old June 30th, 2016, 07:23 PM   #4
jamie_n5
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Default Re: Losing my mind over a girl and other stuff [Possible TRIGGER warning]

You need not be or feel insecure. Just be you and treat her like you want and are comfortable with. Tell her that you are feeling like you are developing serious feelings toward he. Just me honest and mellow out if you can. Things will be alright.
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