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Old December 14th, 2015, 10:11 AM   #1
Primenumber
Junior Member+
 
Join Date: June 17, 2015
Age: 17
Gender: Cisgender Female
Default I can't take much more

I haven't written for a while and before that I didn't write much either so you may just assume that I'm new. I never used this forum as I intended to when I made my account, and never made any friends (guess you can be asocial even on the web). This was basically my failed attempt on trying to fix myself up.

I have suffered from social anxiety for a long time and for about one and a half years I have been dealing with a struggle that I am unable to talk about, which caused me to develop obsessive/anxious/paranoid thoughts. The cause for this is physical, and something I have absolutely no control over. Some days it kills me every second over and over again (I really don't want to dramatize, since that's not my style, but it is hard). It is better now, like it has been better many times before and every time it got worse again. I'm scared that one day I won't be able to get up again (metaphorically; I am not ill or anything).

For about two weeks now I've been completely drained of energy/mentally tired and generally feeling quite hopeless. I'm scared of the future, and I am afraid I might have reached the boundary where I won't be able to take anymore.
I have found myself indirectly reaching out for attention as I am not able to console anyone directly and really quite unable to talk about anything beneath the surface.

Then there is all those pragmatic struggles of choosing schools and stuff (it-is-your-f*ing-future-hey-isn't-that-exciting) and I have good reasons to assume that I will become a social outcast again. I have a lot of plans for the future; too many to ever make all of them come true. I value knowledge, I really do, and learn is all I have been doing to keep myself from falling apart. I know there's more. I know there's a life out there but I'm finding myself unable to take it. I'm just a teenager (15) and I have heard more than enough lectures about hormones and how it will all get better. But I'm simply tired and I need someone to talk to; not a psychologist or anyone connected directly to my life, as the effects of talking to such people will, I'm afraid, be too much to bear.

"Perhaps he knew, as I did not, that the earth was made round so we would not see too far down the road"

~Karen Blixen (Isak Dinesen) "Out of Africa"
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