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Old August 10th, 2015, 12:13 AM   #1
Karkat
Knight of Blood
 
Karkat's Forum Picture
 
Name: Ren Hek
Join Date: February 20, 2014
Location: Land of Pulse and Haze
Gender: Male
Blog Entries: 2
Default IED, BPD, Anxiety, I don't give a fuck

But no FUCKING doctor out there seems to want to help so it doesn't matter.

ITT we talk about random explosive rage, what to do about it, what not to do about it, I don't fucking care this topic is useless

I would rather break something than write down how unbelievably angry I am right now.

But that's reeeeeeally unproductive so I'm going to make a stupid little topic and seethe inside

I have explosive anger. Those of you who have been around me for long enough know that I'm essentially a sober version of Begbie from Trainspotting

For those of you who haven't seen Trainspotting, Begbie bashes everyone's faces in with a bar stool or beer mug at the slightest provocation, or sometimes no provocation at all

I'm typically not physically violent, and this is usually because when I'm angry enough to feel the need to kick someone's ass, they are on the other side of a computer screen.

Things that provoke me:
-Violence against innocent parties
-Rude people
-Loud noises
-Being off my medications for more than 24 hours
-Physical pain or discomfort
-People intentionally trying to literally push me to the side. Cut in front of me. Act like complete twats. I've come veeeeeery close to physically putting the smack down on people in fast food restaurants and supermarkets before
-People. Just people.
-Sleep deprivation
-Hunger
-Teenagers (this is ironic for so many reasons but it happens to be true)
-Conservatives
-Liberals
-America
-Utah
-Tapjoy
-SJW
-99.9% of feminists- and I support feminism
-Facebook commenters
-YouTube commenters
-4chan

Ok so this list is getting really long, here's a small, oddly specific list of what will ignite BURNING RAGE when I'm off me meds
-Anyone I have romantic feelings for
-Any and all family members
-Literally anyone trying to initiate a conversation with me
-Me. Anything I do could send me into a fit of rage
-Minor annoyances
-Hearing ANYONE'S voice for any reason
-Mechanical noises
-My meds
-Autocorrect
-Typos

And if I get pushed beyond my threshold, I'll usually either:
-Scream
-Hit something
-Cuss profusely

And it annoys my parents to no end, which is funny, because my mom knows I'm mentally ill and have had these tendencies my whole life.

And the doctors ALWAYS say it's nbd or I need to meditate and my immediate reaction is the desire to tell them to go fuck themselves but I try to be NICE so I shut up. Grit my teeth. Nod and smile. I do not scream in their faces that I do not pay them to be stupid and tell me I'm fine when I'm clearly prone to being on the verge of doing things that aren't socially acceptable

And I only barely have enough self control to not land myself in jail

It's like they want me to blow up and start disrupting the ENTIRE FUCKING PSYCHIATRIC OFFICE
It's like they're MOCKING ME

But fuck doctors, I've had enough of their bullshit

IT'S EASY FOR THEM TO SAY THESE THINGS WHEN THEY'RE NOT FACING POTENTIAL SCUFFLES WITH THE LAW OR THE PROSPECT OF NO ONE WANTING TO HIRE THEM

And when I'm done being angry I'm usually:

-depressed
-suicidal
-embarrassed
-some combination of the above

And I get awful headaches from it, and occasionally I'll beat my arms and/or legs black and blue to prevent myself from taking it out on anything/anyone else

BUT NAH IT'S NO FUCKING BIG DEAL NOT A BIG DEAL AT ALL SOMEDAY I'M GONNA BASH SOMEONE'S HEAD IN AND HANG MYSELF FROM A TREE BECAUSE I CAN'T CONTROL THIS BUT WHO GIVES A FUCK WE'VE GOT SMALL CHILDREN TO MISDIAGNOSE WITH ADD

FUCK DOCTORS I HATE EM


Just a ghost

Nothing to see here
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