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Old May 18th, 2015, 01:46 AM   #1
Sholgoni
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Join Date: December 8, 2014
Location: United States
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Default What's My Issue??? What Illness Could I Have!!?!?

Since the beginning of sixth grade I've been having problems. I lost all my social behavior and activities, lost friends, became severely depressed, lost faith, and began to have very haunting dreams. Today I'm a sophomore and I'm completely lost in life and am scared of what I might become. Everyday when I go to school I like to listen. I listen and watch evrything and everyone around me. I listen to the chearleaders talk about who's boyfriend is hotter, and I listen to the guys talk shit about me behind me back. I don't speak unless spoken to. When I am forced to present myself socially I do it with a fake attitude and a smile to make everyone think I'm ok. I don't like to bring attention to myself and try my hardest to avoid people. Before it was because I was bullied but now it's because of my fantasies.

I like to look at the girls in my classes and imagine them suffering. I like to fantasize that they're hanging from a tree naked crying for a small bit of air. All the while I'm watching them and smiling. I imagine drowning them in a bath tub and sucking the last bits of air from their deprived lungs. I sometimes want to strangle them for hours at a time and watch them cry for help which they'll never receive. Then when I'm done strangling them I would burn them alive and watch the scream. I hate humanity, were fucked anyway. I have voices in my head telling me to seek these young women to their homes and make my fantasies a reality. I want to beat them with a hammer and drown them in each other's own blood. I imagine cutting their sensitive throats and feeling the heat of their blood spill from their bodies. I especially love the girls who are high maintenance and too good for all the guys at school. They should all go first, and boy would I have plans for them. I would cut them up alive and force them to eat their own body parts. I would play with their cold cut limbs like my own personal toys. I want to hang them from a building and let the whole world see there pathetic dead corpse. I want the whole world to see. But these are all fantasies; dreams.

I'm afraid one day these might become true. I may not show it but I'm a good person. I help others, and I work hard. These fantasies haunt me every hour that I'm alive. I didn't use to be like this but now I am. I have the mind of a physcopath. Some might even all me a future killer. I don't know what I am anymore. I have two separate live that may one day merge into one. Please help. What can I do. Should I got see a physciatrist or therapist. I'm alone and will never share these thoughts to people I know in person. Not parents, friends, and I'm afraid to even tell counselor or therapist. They may lock in a institution forever.

Last edited by Sholgoni; May 18th, 2015 at 01:54 AM.
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Old May 18th, 2015, 02:34 AM   #2
Dying Ember
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Default Re: What's My Issue??? What Illness Could I Have!!?!?

Seek help for this. Is there anyone who you can speak to? Counsellor, doctor?

~Dying Ember
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Old May 18th, 2015, 08:12 PM   #3
Microcosm
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Default Re: What's My Issue??? What Illness Could I Have!!?!?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sholgoni View Post
Since the beginning of sixth grade I've been having problems. I lost all my social behavior and activities, lost friends, became severely depressed, lost faith, and began to have very haunting dreams. Today I'm a sophomore and I'm completely lost in life and am scared of what I might become. Everyday when I go to school I like to listen. I listen and watch evrything and everyone around me. I listen to the chearleaders talk about who's boyfriend is hotter, and I listen to the guys talk shit about me behind me back. I don't speak unless spoken to. When I am forced to present myself socially I do it with a fake attitude and a smile to make everyone think I'm ok. I don't like to bring attention to myself and try my hardest to avoid people. Before it was because I was bullied but now it's because of my fantasies.

I like to look at the girls in my classes and imagine them suffering. I like to fantasize that they're hanging from a tree naked crying for a small bit of air. All the while I'm watching them and smiling. I imagine drowning them in a bath tub and sucking the last bits of air from their deprived lungs. I sometimes want to strangle them for hours at a time and watch them cry for help which they'll never receive. Then when I'm done strangling them I would burn them alive and watch the scream. I hate humanity, were fucked anyway. I have voices in my head telling me to seek these young women to their homes and make my fantasies a reality. I want to beat them with a hammer and drown them in each other's own blood. I imagine cutting their sensitive throats and feeling the heat of their blood spill from their bodies. I especially love the girls who are high maintenance and too good for all the guys at school. They should all go first, and boy would I have plans for them. I would cut them up alive and force them to eat their own body parts. I would play with their cold cut limbs like my own personal toys. I want to hang them from a building and let the whole world see there pathetic dead corpse. I want the whole world to see. But these are all fantasies; dreams.

I'm afraid one day these might become true. I may not show it but I'm a good person. I help others, and I work hard. These fantasies haunt me every hour that I'm alive. I didn't use to be like this but now I am. I have the mind of a physcopath. Some might even all me a future killer. I don't know what I am anymore. I have two separate live that may one day merge into one. Please help. What can I do. Should I got see a physciatrist or therapist. I'm alone and will never share these thoughts to people I know in person. Not parents, friends, and I'm afraid to even tell counselor or therapist. They may lock in a institution forever.
Okay. So you don't want to see someone about these psychopathic tendencies. That kind of makes sense. Usually when someone has social problems like this, it can be very difficult to bring it up to anyone. It's much easier online, and that's why you're comfortable bringing it up on this forum. So, let's use reasoning here and first come up with a solution to problem of not being able to or wanting to bring it up to a psychiatrist.
Click Here. This website is designed for people to get support from people who are willing to listen to you no matter what and help you out. I really recommend it. If you don't want to see a therapist or psychiatrist in real life, then there are plenty of options online for you to seek help. That's definitely better than getting no help at all. Also, stay on this forum. This forum really helps people in dealing with their problems and if you ever have anything you are feeling down about, you can just make a thread and see what happens.

About the fantasies...

Your descriptions of these things are quite vivid and, to be honest, disturbing. However, it is not entirely your fault that these thoughts happen, but it would absolutely be your fault if they are not kept under control. These thoughts could very well ruin your life and your future. Think about that. Once you've thought about the actuality of such a thing, let's try considering ways to control it or hopefully even stop it.
1.) One thing I like to tell people is to attempt to make a sort entirely conscious and mature decision to stop these thoughts before they take hold on you. This method works by simple(whenever you have one of these thoughts) stopping it and deleting it from your mind. Just completely ignoring and destroying the thought all together. However, all the while you are destroying these thoughts, remember and recognize the thought. Observe it whenever it comes to mind and try to figure out what triggered it. After such analysis is complete, put a smile on your face and wipe the thought from your mental drive.
2.) This one I'd like to call ritualistic cleansing. This works on some people, so perhaps it will work for you. Take a piece of paper and write down an entire description of everything you'd like to do to any one person. Make sure to specify their name and everything about them that you'd want to do to them in great detail on the paper. Once you have done this, write something like "I will NOT do this" on the paper below your description, and then burn it or rip it up. If you use the ripping method, then rip it entirely until it is burned into your mind.

Hopefully these methods might help you to control your fantasies. Remember not to do anything irrational. Self-control is the key, my friend.

Best of luck,

~R.D.
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