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Old April 7th, 2015, 07:23 PM   #1
Professional Russian
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Default never thought I'd make it to this...

I'm totally loosing it. Between my best friend ignoring me, my aunt being in the hospital, the people at school, and the guys trying to fuck my best friend I can't handle it. Everyone morning I wake up not wanting to go school I blame it on laziness to shut people but I just don't want to deal with the constant judging the name calling and the perfect relationships I long to have. Then I go to welding where I really only have like 3 or 4 gold friends there the rest of them rag on me because of the school I go to( a bunch of rich assholes) when I'm nothing like the people at my home school. Then there's their obsession with knowing what me and my bosses daughter together...what the fuck does matter to them? She's mine. She's my best friend and one day soon I'm going to try to make her my girlfriend. Then they talk about how they'd fuck her and on a daily basis multiple times a day ask me of I've fucked her yet. I.couldn't touch girl even with her permission....actually that's a lie I already got her dads permission to do what I ever I want but that's beside the.point. then today I come to find out my aunts in the hospital. The woman that took care of me for 13 years of my life may not ever come back isn't really helping at all. Then my best friend ignoring me is ripping me.apart because of how close we were and now we.don't take but I've talked about her in other threads. I just can't take this.much more I've already resorted to things I didn't want to and they didn't help as much as they used to. I don't want to live anymore no one likes me, I can't make anyone happy, I'll never find someone to love, and there's no one for me to live for anymore. I don't know why I keep going anymore. There's no reason to. I dont want to anymore. I haven't truly happy for more than a month in over 4 years. I'm constantly breaking down anymore. My.anxiety is going through the roof. My parents are ready to kick me out of the house. There's nothing left for me to live for. I just can't go on much longer. Every night for the last 4 or 5 weeks I've ended up crying. Setimes with blood running down my legs sometimes without. Sometimes with a bottle of my only friend jack next to me sometimes without. I'm becoming what I feared the most. A suicidal drunk that will never find love and is never happy. I never wanted to end up like this. I never wanted to waste my life like this. I thought my life was turning around with this girl and bam everything comes crashing down. My life hopeless. I'll never be any good to anyone and I'll never be able to make anyone happy. I only wish I had the balls to kill myself. Take myself out of this misery and pain. I've felt like this for too long and I don't want to feel like it anymore. I'm sorrying for wasting everyone's time in reading this...not like anyone cares anyways...

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What a fuckin miracle.
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Old April 7th, 2015, 08:13 PM   #2
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I'm totally loosing it. Between my best friend ignoring me, my aunt being in the hospital, the people at school, and the guys trying to fuck my best friend I can't handle it. Everyone morning I wake up not wanting to go school I blame it on laziness to shut people but I just don't want to deal with the constant judging the name calling and the perfect relationships I long to have. Then I go to welding where I really only have like 3 or 4 gold friends there the rest of them rag on me because of the school I go to( a bunch of rich assholes) when I'm nothing like the people at my home school. Then there's their obsession with knowing what me and my bosses daughter together...what the fuck does matter to them? She's mine. She's my best friend and one day soon I'm going to try to make her my girlfriend. Then they talk about how they'd fuck her and on a daily basis multiple times a day ask me of I've fucked her yet. I.couldn't touch girl even with her permission....actually that's a lie I already got her dads permission to do what I ever I want but that's beside the.point. then today I come to find out my aunts in the hospital. The woman that took care of me for 13 years of my life may not ever come back isn't really helping at all. Then my best friend ignoring me is ripping me.apart because of how close we were and now we.don't take but I've talked about her in other threads. I just can't take this.much more I've already resorted to things I didn't want to and they didn't help as much as they used to. I don't want to live anymore no one likes me, I can't make anyone happy, I'll never find someone to love, and there's no one for me to live for anymore. I don't know why I keep going anymore. There's no reason to. I dont want to anymore. I haven't truly happy for more than a month in over 4 years. I'm constantly breaking down anymore. My.anxiety is going through the roof. My parents are ready to kick me out of the house. There's nothing left for me to live for. I just can't go on much longer. Every night for the last 4 or 5 weeks I've ended up crying. Setimes with blood running down my legs sometimes without. Sometimes with a bottle of my only friend jack next to me sometimes without. I'm becoming what I feared the most. A suicidal drunk that will never find love and is never happy. I never wanted to end up like this. I never wanted to waste my life like this. I thought my life was turning around with this girl and bam everything comes crashing down. My life hopeless. I'll never be any good to anyone and I'll never be able to make anyone happy. I only wish I had the balls to kill myself. Take myself out of this misery and pain. I've felt like this for too long and I don't want to feel like it anymore. I'm sorrying for wasting everyone's time in reading this...not like anyone cares anyways...
things are rough for you, and you are going through a really tough time i can see that. It's not worth it to give up on a world you haven't seen enough of yet though. You have no confidence in yourself and your self doubt is blinding. There are people out there who admire you. Honestly there are. (i mean lets be real hitler had a wife okay and if that says anything about hope…) What i'm trying to say is, don't give up on the possibilities. When you feel like this (and i know it will be rough) go sit in the woods or lay in the grass or enjoy something other than human company. enjoy the wind on your face, go for a car ride and blast cliche radio music and sing at the top of your lungs even though inside you want to burst. It's a distraction yes but a good one. even if it only works a little it still worked. If you are angry, throw ice cubes at the side of your house or at a tree. it's going to seem impossible but rust me when i tell you suicide makes you miss out on the best things in life. don't focus on love, it will come. focus on loving yourself or at least loving the things around you.
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Old April 8th, 2015, 05:30 AM   #3
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things are rough for you, and you are going through a really tough time i can see that. It's not worth it to give up on a world you haven't seen enough of yet though. You have no confidence in yourself and your self doubt is blinding. There are people out there who admire you. Honestly there are. (i mean lets be real hitler had a wife okay and if that says anything about hope…) What i'm trying to say is, don't give up on the possibilities. When you feel like this (and i know it will be rough) go sit in the woods or lay in the grass or enjoy something other than human company. enjoy the wind on your face, go for a car ride and blast cliche radio music and sing at the top of your lungs even though inside you want to burst. It's a distraction yes but a good one. even if it only works a little it still worked. If you are angry, throw ice cubes at the side of your house or at a tree. it's going to seem impossible but rust me when i tell you suicide makes you miss out on the best things in life. don't focus on love, it will come. focus on loving yourself or at least loving the things around you.
If the rest of the worlds like this i don't want to keep to going. Anyone who admires a person who can't keep a solid state of mind and constantly wants to die needs help themselves. And its hard to understand the love thing. I see all these great long lasting relationships where both of them are happy. I want to be that happy. I want someone to be there like that. K have no one right now. No one that would do that. All I've looked for most of my life is love and I haven't found. I feel like I'll never be able to make anyone happy. I'll never live up expectations people have for me. I'll never make anyone feel loved. I live right now because I don't have the balls to kill myself. If I died today in an accident in my last moments I'd be happy for once

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What a fuckin miracle.

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Old April 8th, 2015, 08:07 PM   #4
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Default Re: never thought I'd make it to this...

Hey, I remember you from the chatroom.

Do you ever think that maybe, just MAYBE
You're looking for love in the wrong person?
You said she's ignoring you and all, and you've been there for her all the time.

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Old April 8th, 2015, 09:58 PM   #5
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There are people out there who admire you. I for 1 am one of those. So far you and party poison i have a lot of respect for. You guys have been able to deal with all this crap yet still find the courage to trudge on. You are stronger than you think. This girl does not seem the one for you, if you keep trying and she continues to ignore you then i think its time to move on. Yes you do give up the crush you have but you will sacrafice this crush for a love who will come soon enough. I think you need to start making yourself happy before you try to please others. Find something that makes you happy, do that.

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Old April 9th, 2015, 05:10 AM   #6
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Hey, I remember you from the chatroom.

Do you ever think that maybe, just MAYBE
You're looking for love in the wrong person?
You said she's ignoring you and all, and you've been there for her all the time.
OK let me rephrase that. She's ignored me all this time except for when I've broken down. Every time I've broken down she was there for me and never left till I said I was better. That's why I hold on to her

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What a fuckin miracle.
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Old April 9th, 2015, 04:54 PM   #7
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Okay, NOW that makes sense.

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Old April 10th, 2015, 05:12 AM   #8
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Okay, NOW that makes sense.
Now it makes sense. Good. Because I'm having a hell of a time loosing my mind because I'm loosing my best friend

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What a fuckin miracle.
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Old April 11th, 2015, 12:22 PM   #9
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Honestly I wish I knew what to say for you...sorry I'm no help.

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Old April 11th, 2015, 01:01 PM   #10
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Honestly I wish I knew what to say for you...sorry I'm no help.
There's nothing anyone can really say that's going to help. Until she walks through my door and starts talking to me again I'll keep torturing myself over clinging to hard and loosing her. But when someone changes your life like that its hard to let go of a person like that.

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Old April 11th, 2015, 05:21 PM   #11
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Not like anyone cares anyways.
I like to say people how I truly see the picture, because I believe that knowing the problem is the best cure for it, so here I go...

About the "the constant judging [and] the name calling," I know this has been said before and will be said again and again in the future but don't pay attention to those people.
The main reason they are picking on you is "the desire to be important" that they are craving for. This desire, as Freud pointed out, of feeling important is as strong as our need for food. By picking on you for your weaknesses, they make themselves feel better by not paying attention to their own weaknesses. These people have something in common with those who hate weaknesses in other people: they both are very immature, because they haven't lived long enough/haven't been in tough situations and didn't get to see their own weaknesses and they consider themselves to be perfect. These people are very weak themselves because of this and are just not worth your time.

You say that you "really only have like 3 or 4 gold friends there."
Hold on to those people. Really. This is important. Thing will get WAY WORSE if you'll have nobody by you.
And other rag on you for your school? Is it jealousy or are they again just trying to feel better about who they are because of not being one of those "rich bastards" who they wouldn't be able to properly answer why they have if asked to? Again, these people are just immature. You wouldn't get on about if a bunch of kindergarteners started teasing you, wouldn't? These people are no better.

This is actually kinda hilarious. I mean this situation with your coworkers. They are just insecure. I really don't see why would someone ask whether or not you two had something together yet in such an explicit manner, unless they very jealous. I believe they are just all virgins who are very jealous, I've seen similar behaviour before. The are insecure and because of that are very funny to me

Do you have an idea why she might be doing what she does (ignoring you?) There are a lot of factors that could be involved. The most dull one being that she might just be busy.

"I've already resorted to things I didn't want to and they didn't help as much as they used to." I understand you're talking about "a bottle of my only friend jack?" Please, alcohol is never the answer. This I think alcohol may be more dangerous than some of the heavy illegal drugs. Alcohol numbs the pain. It numbs our feelings, but it is not the answer and you damn know it.

"I don't want to live anymore no one likes me." So change it. I know this is very easy for me to say and VERY hard to actually do. Suicide is a cheap shortcut. Just don't.

"No one likes me, I can't make anyone happy, I'll never find someone to love, and there's no one for me to live for anymore."
Bull-fucking-shit. There are people who love you. You have friends who are still loyal to you, your aunt, and I am 100% sure there are more people, who I'm not aware of, who you're dear to.
How old are you? I'll assume you're something like 18-22. You have at least 2/3 more of your life in front at the very least!
Why do you think that you have to live for somebody? Live for yourself. This is very hard to lose a loved one, I know how you feel. It's like the whole meaning is just gone and there is no point in going on. Well there is. And you being happy is that meaning. We all have to first think about ourselves and only after that we can make others happy. We can't make ourselves happy by means of others.

Have you ever thought why you are cutting? I may be wrong but I feel that you think that it's all your fault. Well it isn't. Think about. You're trying to destroy your body because you are not happy with yourself right now and are punishing yourself. Well there is no reason for it. You are enough and don't let anyone else ever say otherwise.

For the very least think about your aunt. You love her and she loves you. She would feel terrible seeing you like this. It goes without saying that she would not be "very happy" to find out that you've killed yourself.

We humans are not perfect. None of us are. We are all vulnerable little being. But only those of us who accept vulnerability are able to feel that they belong. And yes, you will find that special someone. Maybe not today or the next month.

Good luck and I'll be waiting for your response

__________________

So I went and read your first post about the girl... Everyone takes situations like this differently and she may just not want to be around anyone at times like these. You need each other right now. Call her. Or better go to her house. Agree to meet somewhere maybe. People need support when they are depressed. Few people can handle it on their own. Even if she think that she's better off alone right now, she will feel better when someone around to support her. And you will feel better as well. You should pull through this together.

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Old April 11th, 2015, 05:50 PM   #12
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Default Re: never thought I'd make it to this...

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Originally Posted by Atom View Post
I like to say people how I truly see the picture, because I believe that knowing the problem is the best cure for it, so here I go...

About the "the constant judging [and] the name calling," I know this has been said before and will be said again and again in the future but don't pay attention to those people.
The main reason they are picking on you is "the desire to be important" that they are craving for. This desire, as Freud pointed out, of feeling important is as strong as our need for food. By picking on you for your weaknesses, they make themselves feel better by not paying attention to their own weaknesses. These people have something in common with those who hate weaknesses in other people: they both are very immature, because they haven't lived long enough/haven't been in tough situations and didn't get to see their own weaknesses and they consider themselves to be perfect. These people are very weak themselves because of this and are just not worth your time.

You say that you "really only have like 3 or 4 gold friends there."
Hold on to those people. Really. This is important. Thing will get WAY WORSE if you'll have nobody by you.
And other rag on you for your school? Is it jealousy or are they again just trying to feel better about who they are because of not being one of those "rich bastards" who they wouldn't be able to properly answer why they have if asked to? Again, these people are just immature. You wouldn't get on about if a bunch of kindergarteners started teasing you, wouldn't? These people are no better.

This is actually kinda hilarious. I mean this situation with your coworkers. They are just insecure. I really don't see why would someone ask whether or not you two had something together yet in such an explicit manner, unless they very jealous. I believe they are just all virgins who are very jealous, I've seen similar behaviour before. The are insecure and because of that are very funny to me

Do you have an idea why she might be doing what she does (ignoring you?) There are a lot of factors that could be involved. The most dull one being that she might just be busy.

"I've already resorted to things I didn't want to and they didn't help as much as they used to." I understand you're talking about "a bottle of my only friend jack?" Please, alcohol is never the answer. This I think alcohol may be more dangerous than some of the heavy illegal drugs. Alcohol numbs the pain. It numbs our feelings, but it is not the answer and you damn know it.

"I don't want to live anymore no one likes me." So change it. I know this is very easy for me to say and VERY hard to actually do. Suicide is a cheap shortcut. Just don't.

"No one likes me, I can't make anyone happy, I'll never find someone to love, and there's no one for me to live for anymore."
Bull-fucking-shit. There are people who love you. You have friends who are still loyal to you, your aunt, and I am 100% sure there are more people, who I'm not aware of, who you're dear to.
How old are you? I'll assume you're something like 18-22. You have at least 2/3 more of your life in front at the very least!
Why do you think that you have to live for somebody? Live for yourself. This is very hard to lose a loved one, I know how you feel. It's like the whole meaning is just gone and there is no point in going on. Well there is. And you being happy is that meaning. We all have to first think about ourselves and only after that we can make others happy. We can't make ourselves happy by means of others.

Have you ever thought why you are cutting? I may be wrong but I feel that you think that it's all your fault. Well it isn't. Think about. You're trying to destroy your body because you are not happy with yourself right now and are punishing yourself. Well there is no reason for it. You are enough and don't let anyone else ever say otherwise.

For the very least think about your aunt. You love her and she loves you. She would feel terrible seeing you like this. It goes without saying that she would not be "very happy" to find out that you've killed yourself.

We humans are not perfect. None of us are. We are all vulnerable little being. But only those of us who accept vulnerability are able to feel that they belong. And yes, you will find that special someone. Maybe not today or the next month.

Good luck and I'll be waiting for your response
The judging is that much of a big deal right now. It just gets to me sometimes. My main concern is this girl. We were so close and talked all the time. We ARE exact mental copy's. She's my best friend. And her and her bf broke up and after that its gone down hill. My texts started getting ignored. I got clingy. I was texting her 4 times a day with no responses. I was worried for her. I know her past. I wanted to know she was OK. Then she broke down and cried in my arms. Actually km wearing the same shirt right now from that night about a month ago and the mascara stains are still there. After she asked me to back off so I did. Later that same week I asked her to go prom with me. She accepted. I've tried to talk to her about but I still just get ignored. This girl is just about everything I live for. She's already saved me almost 3 times. Everyone keeps telling me to let her go that we'll never get anymore and that its not worth my time but they don't understand what its like to be so fucked up and just an exact mental copy of yourself. I became attached so fast and we just talked all the time and now not talking to her just worries me. While Jack isn't my only friend I still have Jim and Adolf(owner of Coors brewing company....not Hitler)...I use alcohol as an escape. It let's me take my.mind off of my family problems and mental issues and friend issues. It makes me feel so good. But I do worry about it. With my dad being an alcoholic I do worry about it a lot. I'm just so lost and confused right now that I just don't know what to do anymore.

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What a fuckin miracle.
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Old April 11th, 2015, 06:33 PM   #13
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I'm just so lost and confused right now that I just don't know what to do anymore.
I know, it can get to you even if you know that they are just being mean on purpose and insecure. Especially if they say shit that can really get to you, that you think about yourself all the time. Maybe something like "You gonna end up a drunk like your father!"
But... We both know that you can never allow these bitches to win.

"After she asked me to back off so I did." Hmm... I don't understand why she'd do that. There can be several reasons. Do you have any ideas? But then again, she changed her mind and you went to prom together.
There also can be many reasons why she stopped talking to you.

"It makes me feel so good."
This is exactly the problem with it. It numbs the pain and you feel good for some short time but it doesn't solve the problem. Also it is scientifically proven that alcohol induces anxiety. BTW, have you thought that she might be ignoring you because you drink so often? I can easily see why one would ignore someone who has a drinking problem. Really, you need to drop it. For example, look at your dad and what good drinking do to him.
Search for another way to have your catharsis. We all need one sometimes.
Some people like listening to angry music. I'd advise Phantasm Nocturnes for that, if you choose to do so.

I have edited my post since, but I'll repeat myself. Try going to her house, ask her to come out and invite her to go out somewhere. Just relax together, have a good time. If she's still on about her boyfriend then she needs to realise that there is so much more good in this world, and no only the pain that she has left after the break up. I just assume that this is probably what is happening. The choice is after you of course, you know the situation - don't.

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Old April 12th, 2015, 01:14 PM   #14
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I know, it can get to you even if you know that they are just being mean on purpose and insecure. Especially if they say shit that can really get to you, that you think about yourself all the time. Maybe something like "You gonna end up a drunk like your father!"
But... We both know that you can never allow these bitches to win.

"After she asked me to back off so I did." Hmm... I don't understand why she'd do that. There can be several reasons. Do you have any ideas? But then again, she changed her mind and you went to prom together.
There also can be many reasons why she stopped talking to you.

"It makes me feel so good."
This is exactly the problem with it. It numbs the pain and you feel good for some short time but it doesn't solve the problem. Also it is scientifically proven that alcohol induces anxiety. BTW, have you thought that she might be ignoring you because you drink so often? I can easily see why one would ignore someone who has a drinking problem. Really, you need to drop it. For example, look at your dad and what good drinking do to him.
Search for another way to have your catharsis. We all need one sometimes.
Some people like listening to angry music. I'd advise Phantasm Nocturnes for that, if you choose to do so.

I have edited my post since, but I'll repeat myself. Try going to her house, ask her to come out and invite her to go out somewhere. Just relax together, have a good time. If she's still on about her boyfriend then she needs to realise that there is so much more good in this world, and no only the pain that she has left after the break up. I just assume that this is probably what is happening. The choice is after you of course, you know the situation - don't.
She asked to back off because I was annoying the fuck out of her at the wrong time. She was in a depression and failing all her classes. I don't drink as much as it sounds like. Only like once every other month. Its not like I come home everyday and crack a beer. And if she's pissed at me cause I go drinking that would make her a hypocrite cause she does it more than me.

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Old April 12th, 2015, 02:33 PM   #15
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I don't drink as much as it sounds like. Only like once every other month.
Well that is really good to hear, because it did sound a lot worse. Once a month is nothing.
And again, try not to let these people get to you. They are just pitiful jealous little shits. Fuck what they think. Don't try making them happy and being "good" in their eyes and for them, be good for yourself and people you love and respect. Haters never even worth the effort.
I personally think that she needs a friend right now. She's having a hard time just like you do so maybe you may want to help her get through it? As I said before, maybe just come over to her house, call her out, hug and go for a walk or something like this? Internet interaction and a physical one can't compare. But this is up for your judgement because you know this situation better and this may be not a very good time to "annoy" her again.
Good luck and stay strong, you always have people who are happy to hear and see you

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Old April 12th, 2015, 02:43 PM   #16
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Well that is really good to hear, because it did sound a lot worse. Once a month is nothing.
And again, try not to let these people get to you. They are just pitiful jealous little shits. Fuck what they think. Don't try making them happy and being "good" in their eyes and for them, be good for yourself and people you love and respect. Haters never even worth the effort.
I personally think that she needs a friend right now. She's having a hard time just like you do so maybe you may want to help her get through it? As I said before, maybe just come over to her house, call her out, hug and go for a walk or something like this? Internet interaction and a physical one can't compare. But this is up for your judgement because you know this situation better and this may be not a very good time to "annoy" her again.
Good luck and stay strong, you always have people who are happy to hear and see you
I tried to be the best friend I could. I held her while she cried I was always there. But I know she is. She's just like me she shuts the world out and tells everyone who trys to help to go fuck themselves just like I do. We are exact mental copy's. We are the same exact people with the same exact problems mentally. That's why we got along so well. But when she broke up with her bf and I let it be known that I wanted more than just a friendship is when everything started going down here. I figured being honest would have made it better....seems like it made everything worse... EDIT: that's why I clung so hard and won't let go. People tell to let go of her. Its not worth my time. But not many people can say they found the exact mental copy of themselves. That's why I cling so hard

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What a fuckin miracle.

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Old April 12th, 2015, 09:45 PM   #17
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That's why I clung so hard and won't let go. People tell to let go of her. Its not worth my time. But not many people can say they found the exact mental copy of themselves. That's why I cling so hard
If you believe that you can make it work - go for it. I believe it's important to point out the obvious - you need to also pay attention to what she wants, not only you. If this is not what she wants, then staying just friends is the only option, I think.
Also I think I can see what would motivate people to say to let go of her: I understand that she is the main reason of your unhappiness right now, the fact that she is not yours. So I personally see two ways to deal with it. Either go with the pessimistic approach and let go of her, or go for it and make her yours. I personally fancy the latter. So if you let go - you'll lose her. If you don't, then you have a chance at succeeding. Why pick a side that is 100% fail?
I understand that the timing with you telling to her about your feelings was off, so... She might (and probably is) will be suspicious of your intentions and may easily misinterpret them. So I'd advice to be a bit more careful with your actions but strong at the same time. It's important not to lose your self-confidence in the times like these.
From how it sounds, I believe that you can make it work. And I sincerely hope you will.

19 — Gay — Vegetarian

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Old April 13th, 2015, 05:20 AM   #18
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Default Re: never thought I'd make it to this...

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If you believe that you can make it work - go for it. I believe it's important to point out the obvious - you need to also pay attention to what she wants, not only you. If this is not what she wants, then staying just friends is the only option, I think.
Also I think I can see what would motivate people to say to let go of her: I understand that she is the main reason of your unhappiness right now, the fact that she is not yours. So I personally see two ways to deal with it. Either go with the pessimistic approach and let go of her, or go for it and make her yours. I personally fancy the latter. So if you let go - you'll lose her. If you don't, then you have a chance at succeeding. Why pick a side that is 100% fail?
I understand that the timing with you telling to her about your feelings was off, so... She might (and probably is) will be suspicious of your intentions and may easily misinterpret them. So I'd advice to be a bit more careful with your actions but strong at the same time. It's important not to lose your self-confidence in the times like these.
From how it sounds, I believe that you can make it work. And I sincerely hope you will.
I'm not letting go. I've told people I'm gonna let go but I didn't. I can't. I couldn't get this girl out of my mind drunk. So I'm not letting this go. I'm not giving up. I'm gonna make her mine soon enough. I got to fix this. I'll feel bad forever if I don't.

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What a fuckin miracle.
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Old April 14th, 2015, 06:55 AM   #19
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Default Re: never thought I'd make it to this...

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I got to fix this.
Do it, I believe in you. Just pick the right time.

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Old April 14th, 2015, 02:37 PM   #20
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Default Re: never thought I'd make it to this...

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Do it, I believe in you. Just pick the right time.
Well I'm gonna see her tomorrow so obviously I'm gonna talk about it and on Friday. I'm hopeing I can fix it in those 2 days because we got to talk about prom after that and times running out

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