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Old February 16th, 2015, 06:51 PM   #1
hurt
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So I'll be honest I don't really want to open up here but I've been advised by someone extremely close to me that it's a good thing to do. So here goes effectively my life story. Almost 3 years ago now I had a boyfriend whom I loved entirely. One day while out in the garden with him having lunch he told me that he was moving in a week and that he didn't love me. Now upon hearing this I was extremely confused. We were a couple after all and we loved each other. We always had so why was he suddenly saying these things? everything was fine before today wasn't it? had I upset him? hurt him? what did I do wrong? so I spoke to him I asked what did he mean just the other day he told me he loved me? why was he saying these things? He then told me he never loved me and when I told him I knew that wasn't true he grabbed a fork from the table and stabbed me in the leg with it, looking into my eyes the whole time. After a while he then asked "Did I?". I crawled out there and home as fast as I could crying the entire time. I'd never felt so broken or betrayed I still couldn't understand and keep hearing his words in my head. That night, perhaps the worst night of my life I looked back on our entire relationship and realised what he had been doing the whole time. The manipulation, the lies, the betrayal. He told me things. Things to make me believe I was worthless. He made me feel disgusted about my sexuality making me somewhat homophobic towards others. He told me to hide it and to hide everything to myself. No one else would understand me, I can't trust anyone but him. All I need is him. I need him. without him I'm nothing. only he will understand me. I can't leave him. No one else would want me anyway. I'm ugly, stupid, boring why should anyone waste their time on me? I hate the term but there's no other term to describe it. it was psychological abuse. The kind that leaves scars that can't been seen on the flesh but are deeply felt every waking moment. Because of what he told me I had isolated myself at school from everyone. Keeping everyone at arms distance. I couldn't trust them. They won't understand me. I don't need them I only need him. He told me so. I knew it was true he told me I believed him. After I saw what he had done to me I felt ashamed. I felt a fool because looking back it was to obvious what he had been doing the whole time and I just let me. I ate it all up I believed every word that left his lips and because of that I had brought all this upon myself. The next day I went round to his because I knew his parents would be out. I suppose I don't need to say he was surprised to see me. But nearly as surprised as when I punched him in face. I like to think I broke his nose. There was blood some from my knuckles maybe some from him I didn't stop to check. I turned around and walked right out of there because I knew if I stayed I would not only apologize but beg him to take me back.

A few months after this I decided to defy him and sleep with another guy. Despite my pleading to for him to keep it secret (I wasn't ready to be "out" at this point) He went and told people and it spread like wildfire forcing me to publicly come out to all but my family. Once I did my one friend at the time was too awkward about it to be around me so deserted me. I'd never been so alone. not since "that night" and I felt that maybe the whole time he was right. right about everything I can't trust anyone. No one understands me. I am disgusting. I am stupid for trusting people. I'm not worth it. I'm not worth anything. I wasn't particularly close to my parents and they had alot to deal with as my sister had started cutting herself so I didn't want to add extra strain on them. I was alone. Fortunately through most of the girls desire for a GBF I made a new friend group whom I was comfortable with and happy.

A month or so passed and things were good. I was even starting to become closer with my parents (I was raised by a childminder as both my parents worked full time so I was never especially close with them and when we moved and mum worked more from home she tried to get too involved with my life to make up for it but I ended up shutting them both out as I was overwhelmed with how involved or smothering they were attempting to be). Then one day I came across one of my sisters friends writing a letter to my sister. I asked her what it was about and she said just to let her know that she was there for her and with everything that had been happening. I asked what's been happening and she looked confused and said how don't you know? and she told me everything my sister told her. Lies. all lies. My sister had fed her friends stories about how mum would hit her at night, my dad being terminally ill and only works to pay us through uni even that he's had a miscarriage. She spoke of being plagued by a cyber bully who I realised was actually herself on an alternate facebook account (she was logged in). I was furious I hated my sister for what she had done. For lying to her friends to try and create this image of herself. I went straight to my parents to tell them of what she had done and they went and confronted my sister about it. She told them someone else made it up despite several of her friends admitting my sister had told them herself and they believed her. I shouted at my for fueling rumors about her and to stop lying about her. I saw that these people in my house were strangers to me. Not my parents. So when all looked good things went back to shit. I drifted further from my parents than ever before and even ended up resenting them and their attempts to control my life. I let one person control my life before, never again. Though my sister has stopped her tales (to my knowledge) I remain cut off from my "family".

As we left on study leave a new friend of mine went off the rails with anxiety and stress so myself and another friend spent most of our exam time and summer keeping her effectively on suicide watch and I'm pleased to say she has become dramatically better. I cannot mention this individual without mentioned how extremely proud of her I am and of everything she is doing and how far she has come. I also spent my entire summer as a slut in another attempt to defy my ex this was somewhat self destructive but I needed the distraction and the illusion of control. though looking back I see it only intensified the hold he had on me and did nothing to weaken it. I then to spite the memory of him went on a date with someone. He was pretty enough and an interesting conversation but not much more... or so I thought. After that one date to spite my memory of my ex I found despite my best efforts I was falling for this individual and found him so much more than I originally imagined him to be. He's clever, kind, damaged, funny on occasion, beautiful, articulate, strong, determined, old enough to buy cigarettes and no matter how hard I tried (and believe me I did) I couldn't stop myself falling in love with him. This is the part where I say I asked him out he said yes and we lived happily ever after but no. I did ask him out and he said he needed time so time I gave him. it then transpired he's still in love with his ex and isn't looking for anything serious. Though this made me sad it didn't hurt me. He never lied to me about it. He never led me on. He always made clear he wasn't looking for anything serious at that moment in time and that he still had feelings for his ex and we remain very close friends. He is perhaps my closest friend and I care for him more than anything in the world. One point of attraction was that he had been through similar stuff to me and he was the first person I ever opened up to. He told me that talking about his issues helped him overcome them and recommend strongly that I do the same. and I did. I opened up to two of my friends about my ex and all that he did and I did feel immediately better... for a while. One of these friends went and told someone else behind my back and when I confronted her about it she denied it. I slipped back into my mind frame. HIS mind frame. You can't trust anyone. No one understands you. You're better off alone. So I retreated deeper into myself cutting people off. In summer one of my friends told my parents I'm gay and to this day I still don't know who. My parents btw are not all that accepting seeing as my mothers first words to me about it were keep your moth shut, don't tell anyone and keep it to yourself. I realized I couldn't trust any of my friends and would have retreated into myself completely if not for him. The guy I went on a date with. I couldn't bring myself to cut him out of my life if I tried. He has saved my life in more ways than he will ever know and I will be eternally grateful to him. The last time I saw him I showed him my "Dorian Gray Portrait". This was a picture of myself which was my equivalent of self harm. every time I had a bad thought towards myself and everything seemed too much I would take it out on the picture and write my thoughts down. upon seeing this he was horrified and repeated to me that it wasn't me. That I'm better than that "thing". So he told me to burn it and I did. Unknown to him I had no desire to burn it. I knew I needed it. It was my safety net for when things got really bad and stopped me from doing bad things. But I burned it anyway with him by my side and held him as the embers died. purely to hide my fear for what would happen next without it. later that week I had sex with a friend of mine (which I shouldn't of done since we kinda had a thing) and I found myself perfectly distracted from my problems albeit briefly. so last Sunday I found myself in a very bad place and without my safety net I felt and knew that I may end up doing something really bad so I redownloaded grindr (I deleted after my first date with the guy as I wanted no one but him) and went about trying to become a slut again for the distraction and to keep me out of "the bad place". then it happened. A 35 year old man offered me money for sex. He promised he could promote me. get me customers. I could make alot of money so I agreed. and now I find myself here. I did it and it didn't help me. It didn't distract me it simply broke my barriers and let everything come flooding back. I was drowning. I couldn't do anything other than text "The first date guy" and he calmed me down and recommended I try this site. He said it helped him so I'm giving it a try. I don't know what to expect from this or how it will help but frankly I'm hoping for a miracle because I can't continue like this.
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Old February 16th, 2015, 09:56 PM   #2
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I'm really sorry that you've had to go through all this.
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Old February 17th, 2015, 01:42 PM   #3
hurt
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Thank you. What I'm really looking for is advice on what to do next because quite frankly I'm lost
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Old February 17th, 2015, 02:07 PM   #4
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Hi I'm so sorry for you I got so choked up reading this. Message me if you want to talk more and I'll see how I can help if possible.
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Old February 21st, 2015, 10:46 AM   #5
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This... Is amazing. In a very fucked up way.
So, your first ex, the fork-guy, he is clearly a sociopath. He is controlling, violent, selfish, lying and deceiving person, with no remorse for others. He got what he wanted from you and then just dumped you when you stopped being useful, again, a very typical sociopathic behaviour. He made you want him. Only him. He made you dump your friends and basically just people who are close to you so he would be the main focus of your life. He told you that you are ugly and all those things only to tighten his control over you.
I'm actually very glad that you punched him that time.
It is very possible that it was his goal all along, to put you in a state like this. Don't give him the satisfaction. Don't let him win.
Also I'm sorry but your sister is an attention whore.
In these kinds of moments we should keep our friends close. Imagine if you weren't there on that suicide watch for your friend... You helped her when she most needed you, don't cut yourself off from your friends. Your ex, the fork-guy, scarred you into thinking that you cannot trust anyone. Forget it. He has done you no good whatsoever, even if you think that you had good time with him. And now you are damaging yourself and your mind because of him. He is only one man. One pathetic, miserable, wretched man. He does not worth it, at all. Your parents, even if they are at work most of the time, they still love you, you're their child and they will still love you regardless of your orientation Your friends, you opened up to them and that felt good, relieving. Even if someone ratted you out to your parents, I don't think that they meant any harm. Don't cut them off from your life.
Try to stay close to your friends and people who are dear to you.
And you really should stop having this random sex just to relieve yourself for a short time. Especially with guys who are as old as 35. They are using you just like the fork-guy used you. By sleeping with them, you put yourself in a state like you are with the fork-guy again and this gives you a short relieve. The fork-guy is like a drug to you. You always seek a fix in face of these random hookups. I understand that it may be hard but you really should forget him. As I said before, don't let him win.
I personally think that you have already won when you punched him that time and, hopefully, broke his nose. You don't need to prove it to yourself anymore.

I hope I was able to help you at least a little bit. I'm here for you if you want to chat


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Old February 21st, 2015, 01:33 PM   #6
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Thank you so much for all the posts guys. I means alot x
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Old February 21st, 2015, 04:50 PM   #7
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I did read your post - I am sorry that as all happened but the best thing is you have found a place to wriet it all down and seek advice - that is a great step forward and I hope you feel good for that. I would encourage you to post again if it helps and it will.
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Old February 21st, 2015, 06:59 PM   #8
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I don't have anything constructive to say only I hope that you will get happier and your past the fork guy who was clearly very bad for you


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Old February 25th, 2015, 09:45 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hurt View Post
I can't continue like this.
I thought is was relevant to ask, so, how are you doing?
Everything is just as it was before or did something change for you?

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Old February 26th, 2015, 01:51 PM   #10
hurt
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I'm on antidepressants now so hopefully they'll help. Thank you for the concern though x
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Old February 26th, 2015, 03:01 PM   #11
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Quote:
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I'm on antidepressants now.
I hope you'll get better We are here if you need us.


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Old February 28th, 2015, 04:25 PM   #12
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I'm sorry to read about what you've been through.
Message me if you want to chat about it
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