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Old December 12th, 2014, 04:44 PM   #1
queenofcontrariety
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Default Falling nack but not wanting to fix it

My entire life I've always been the fat friend, still am and will probably continue to be. My mother is superficial maniac. Since I was about 8 she made me very self concious about my weight by fixing me on countless crash diets with her. I know hate food that seems inherently healthy because it makes me anxious and feel like shit. For the last few years I've struggled with binging and extreme undereating. Actually it's going on close to 5. I never actually saw any kind of weight loss because of the nature of what I was doing. I go though periods where I exercise quite excessively, almost to the point of passing out. I usually end up crying if I'm doing it in my own house. The one real constant is my habitual scale watching. I'm finally going down and I find myself checking multiple times a day. I do have periods of extreme body confidence but it's gotten to the point where I barely feel hunger. I don't really want help, I hate the idea of people forcing me to eat. I want to be down another 10 lbs minimum, which given my weight isn't isane, and I know this isn't the right way but the right way causes me emotional distress so it's not like I have too many options, I realize I'm kinda preachy about getting people to eat and I seem super hypocritical, is just I'd hate for anyone else to start this cycle. Not really sure why I decided to post this, I guess I just needed to let it out

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Old December 16th, 2014, 05:44 AM   #2
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Default Re: Falling nack but not wanting to fix it

Well I am glad you let it out, and I read it and hope you reach your goal
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Old December 16th, 2014, 11:03 AM   #3
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Default Re: Falling nack but not wanting to fix it

I'm so sorry you feel that way, Haley.
I know it's very stressful to go through this .
Try to think of other things in life that would distract you from feeling this way.
I've seen your profile picture and you DONT look fat. You look very pretty.
I'm not sure how I can help, other than saying you can do it. You just don't need to give up even though this is very stressful. VT is always here for you when you need to let go from everything else in life. If you ever need to talk, you can always PM me.




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Old December 16th, 2014, 06:29 PM   #4
maniamsmart
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Default Re: Falling nack but not wanting to fix it

Quote:
Originally Posted by YungMerkMMR View Post
I'm so sorry you feel that way, Haley.
I know it's very stressful to go through this .
Try to think of other things in life that would distract you from feeling this way.
I've seen your profile picture and you DONT look fat. You look very pretty.
I'm not sure how I can help, other than saying you can do it. You just don't need to give up even though this is very stressful. VT is always here for you when you need to let go from everything else in life. If you ever need to talk, you can always PM me.
I agree, I saw your picture and I thought you look cute
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Old December 16th, 2014, 06:45 PM   #5
queenofcontrariety
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Default Re: Falling nack but not wanting to fix it

Quote:
Originally Posted by YungMerkMMR View Post
I'm so sorry you feel that way, Haley.
I know it's very stressful to go through this .
Try to think of other things in life that would distract you from feeling this way.
I've seen your profile picture and you DONT look fat. You look very pretty.
I'm not sure how I can help, other than saying you can do it. You just don't need to give up even though this is very stressful. VT is always here for you when you need to let go from everything else in life. If you ever need to talk, you can always PM me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by maniamsmart View Post
I agree, I saw your picture and I thought you look cute
Well thanks guys, but this is very much as psychological battle for me. I mean everyone says the weight always ends up in good places but it's just frustrating to have like 20+lbs on most of your friends, and because of stress or my want to be okay (?) I started trying to get up to a normal amount of meals but I gained back the weight I'd lost and now I'm freaking out again because I feel like shit about it and I'm stuck between the panic of ballooning and the self hatred that comes with it and the self hatred when I don't treat my body right. Gosh to I hate this stupid little cycle.

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Old December 17th, 2014, 05:14 PM   #6
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Default Re: Falling nack but not wanting to fix it

Quote:
Originally Posted by queenofcontrariety View Post
Well thanks guys, but this is very much as psychological battle for me. I mean everyone says the weight always ends up in good places but it's just frustrating to have like 20+lbs on most of your friends, and because of stress or my want to be okay (?) I started trying to get up to a normal amount of meals but I gained back the weight I'd lost and now I'm freaking out again because I feel like shit about it and I'm stuck between the panic of ballooning and the self hatred that comes with it and the self hatred when I don't treat my body right. Gosh to I hate this stupid little cycle.
First thing first, don't worry you'll find someone, a lot of guys (more that we think) don't care about a girl's size (i have a 'fat' friend, typically the kind of guy being rejected over and over, and he don't care about looks at all) and you're not fat anyway, and even if you were, who cares. Cute is cute, no matter how chubby it is.

Speaking to my friend, he's kinda going through the same thing as you. What's starting to work with him (to prevent him from eating more that he wanted) is to write everything he eats down, while he eats it, plus preventing from being able to let out his cravings (per example, if you know you won't resist buying food on your way home, just don't bring any money with you, thingq like that there's no shame). It didn't resolved everything, i mean i know the "choice" to eat junk or more that enough is made in a slit second, no matter everything we said to us earlier.
I think the best way to ends up with this infernal cycle is to find why we eat. Generally it's to fill a hole, sometimes we don't even know it exists, and often we know it does but we don't know what does it really need to be filled.
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Old December 17th, 2014, 05:26 PM   #7
queenofcontrariety
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Default Re: Falling nack but not wanting to fix it

Quote:
Originally Posted by Renata_cmp View Post
First thing first, don't worry you'll find someone, a lot of guys (more that we think) don't care about a girl's size (i have a 'fat' friend, typically the kind of guy being rejected over and over, and he don't care about looks at all) and you're not fat anyway, and even if you were, who cares. Cute is cute, no matter how chubby it is.

Speaking to my friend, he's kinda going through the same thing as you. What's starting to work with him (to prevent him from eating more that he wanted) is to write everything he eats down, while he eats it, plus preventing from being able to let out his cravings (per example, if you know you won't resist buying food on your way home, just don't bring any money with you, thingq like that there's no shame). It didn't resolved everything, i mean i know the "choice" to eat junk or more that enough is made in a slit second, no matter everything we said to us earlier.
I think the best way to ends up with this infernal cycle is to find why we eat. Generally it's to fill a hole, sometimes we don't even know it exists, and often we know it does but we don't know what does it really need to be filled.
I've done tracking before and I always freaked out because I'd end up eating less than 1200 calories and I knew it was bad for me. I just end up taking everything to an extreme and it's terrifying at times. I do realize that some guys prefer meatier girls it's just so many guys talk the talk but aren't actually willing to give me the time of day. I've always been annoyed by that but guys aren't the reason I do any of this, yes it would be nice to be more attractive, but I just want to stop hating to look in the mirror

Feel free to PM me at any point
Also known as the girl no one can say it better than

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Old December 22nd, 2014, 07:30 PM   #8
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Default Re: Falling nack but not wanting to fix it

I too ALMOST became anorexic...but I can say I handles my weight pretty well.......Until 14 I was stick skinny. I had a small girlish face, limbs were virtual sticks and I was bullied cos of this......Then by 15 or so I started to gain a little...Initially it was bearly noticeble...just a bit of a love handle my GF found amusing and I denied....but was devastating....I started to starve myself...But my GF helped me pick up my self image. She would undress me in front of a mirror and make fun of my skinny-fat body, and say how cute I look with my new weight on..check where I have gained..where she can pinch more....then if privacy permits take me to TV, sill in my briefs, and enocurage me to have a hearty normal meal....she would rub my belly and push me to finish my portion and even eat more...

This way in 1.5 yrs my waist went from 25 in to 36, face plumped up, , grew a bubble butt too....and I have gone from 48 kg to 65 kg at 5 foot 11......... nw I have a small tummy roll, cannot run etc like when I was skinny, and have sm man-boobies....but,despite all changes, i never succumed to anorexia/bulimea..
I too now enjoy my gain..I have now got proper body proportions so all clothes from briefs to tee shirts hang on me better. I carry by body with pride, I even dare go for improptu sea baths just in my briefs..

Yet sometimes I feel sooo embarrasing whn family & friends point at & tease abt my new weight....and how skiinny I used to be.....I turn beet red in the face.
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Old December 22nd, 2014, 08:46 PM   #9
queenofcontrariety
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Default Re: Falling nack but not wanting to fix it

Quote:
Yet sometimes I feel sooo embarrasing whn family & friends point at & tease abt my new weight....and how skiinny I used to be.....I turn beet red in the face.[/COLOR]
Here's my issue. I am genuinely fat. Always have been. I also can't bear to tie myself worth to how other people perceive me, especially guys. I've done that before and I just hate the feeling of emptiness when the inevitably abandon me. And I realize I sound mopey and whatever buy I have a couple fat rolls and can't look in the mirror half the time and feel horrible when I get hungry. But that's just my life and I'm coming to terms with it.

Feel free to PM me at any point
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