Virtual Teen Forums
 

Go Back   Virtual Teen Forums > > >
Register Blogs FAQ Calendar Mark Forums Read Chat Room

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old February 28th, 2014, 07:33 PM   #1
Lovecraft
Junior Member+
 
Lovecraft's Forum Picture
 
Name: Catharine
Join Date: February 25, 2014
Location: R'lyeh, summer home in Apocrypha
Age: 20
Gender: Female
Default Hallucinations, universal language barriers and foggy vision: my schizophrenia(?)

Hello. I'll start this off by saying I haven't officially been diagnosed with schizophrenia, but have been with depersonalization disorder; my DPD has been getting substantially worse and is progressing into a state that I know to encompass the symptoms of schizophrenia. (Sight/sound hallucinations, extreme depersonalization, falsity of emotions, physical numbness/disconnect, lack of control over own words/body, among others.) I'm not telling you this to ask if I have the disorder, but rather as somewhat of a disclaimer: I'm not a diagnosed schizophrenic. I officially have clinical depression, a panic/anxiety disorder not specified, PTSD and depersonalization disorder; I've been told by professionals that I am on the edge of fitting the bipolar disorder description, but I don't officially have that either. I recently went off my antidepressant and my anxiety medication (wellbutrin and klonopin,) which may in part have brought on these experiences.

Also, this will be regarding my day-to-day experiences, not any psychotic "breaks" or episodes I may have, because those are quite a bit more personal and I'd definitely prefer not sharing them.

I'm making this post because writing really helps me in an almost meditative sort of way (plus I enjoy it,) and I think some of my experiences might be a bit interesting to some of you. Just recovered from a psychotic episode that required a lot of talking to not land me in the hospital (my local psych ward is horrible) and while I don't think I want to talk about that for fear of bringing things up, I do want to talk about what's been happening to me recently.

Extra question: do any of you hear your words repeated? Like, repeated over and over again in your voice but eventually becoming sort of distorted and scary? I had that happen during said episode to the point where someone was screaming my words all twisted in tone back at me when I would say something. This only really happens to me during actual episodes.

The most Lovecraftian and stereotypically "insane" of my hallucinations -- the only one of the sort that I've experienced so vividly -- occurred about 5 days ago. I was at a cafe near my house, and I realized that a man walking by the window was not a man. His face was black (not the race, literal charcoal pitch-black) and without features, and blurred as he walked by, leaving a sort of trail in its wake. He didn't resemble any monster I'd ever heard of, but everything in my body screamed that he was dangerous. It was almost instinctual. In a moment, he was human again, but in that moment he was something else entirely, or so I thought at the time. Now that I look back, I don't think it was he that had become temporarily inhuman, but rather me. I felt how I would've looking at a bear or a cougar; I felt like I was looking at something not of my kind, and like I did not know how he would behave because of this intrinsic disconnect. I've tried on numerous occasions to draw what I saw, because it is so hard to describe, but unfortunately drawing is not my strong suit and it's very hard to properly represent the thing on paper.

A more reoccurring hallucination is of both sight and sound, and has to do with cars. I would attribute this to PTSD, and have for a while, but now that I've started to "see" them where they don't exist, I'm not entirely sure. The most concrete example I can conjure up was yesterday, when I was walking to my boyfriend's place (a basement suite, accessible most easily through a driveway leading onto a small, residential road.) I was walking down that road when it was dark, and suddenly I felt a horrible anxious rush hit me like a truck (no pun intended,) and I jumped as if startled. I could see a car coming out the corner of my eye, and I think I heard it too. Turning around, however, revealed that not only were there no cars near me, there were no cars close enough to make such sounds. I feel this often when crossing roads, and see cars coming at me when they really aren't.

The most terrifying (to me) of all my illusions/hallucinations is more of a disorientation than anything. I live in a fairly big city which means a lot of skyscrapers. They don't frighten me because I grew up here; I've seen them every day for my entire life, and they are not in any way alien. Suddenly, however, they were not. They were unfamiliar and horrific and almost abominable, like the unfathomably huge twisted cities you might see on an alien planet in a film. They induced nausea and resembled terror in the same way that the man's black ethereal face had: it seemed instinctual to be afraid. My city was terrifying. It was almost Cthulhon, like staring upon the horrible visage of one of the old gods that man may not look upon without going insane. I was frightened and it frightened me that I was frightened.

Something reoccurring that I've seen during all of these experiences is a sort of "split" of personality. It's not a "split personality disorder" sort of split, because I can entirely differentiate from fantasy and reality, but it is almost entirely out of my control. It's as if, when in distress, the rational creature that protects me from feeling emotions by eating them before they strike takes on a more controlling form and borrows my voice. I talk to myself, but it isn't "me" talking. "I" give myself instructions, comfort, occasionally criticisms, all with the aim of living through and making sense of the oddities of my life. None of it is conscious or within my control.

The emotional piece is odd for me. It's like my body reacts emotionally, but I don't actually "feel" the emotion. I often liken this to light-balls of emotion being thrown at my stomach, a huge dark creature eating them before they hit me. My body knows to react as if sad -- crying or acting offended -- but the rational "other me" tells me that I am making it up, that I am manipulating people by showing emotions, because I'm not actually sad/offended/angry/happy/amused. I've felt like this since I was maybe 10 years old, the mental disconnect.

I'm always foggy, too, visually speaking. The world looks 2D and muffled in colour, and there is a literal haze clouding my vision most times. Focussing is hard with regard to both sight and sound. I need people to repeat things a lot even after focussing on what they said, because I draw these weird tangents from things said and I focus on the tangents rather than the origins. It makes communication hard sometimes. I don't get it quite as often while reading, but I do find that it shows in my writing: it's impractical and looping and often rambling, overly detailed when it doesn't have to be and entirely split between summary and experience, even from the first person. Sentences often don't seem to click together. I like my writing, though.

Everything has amplified and culminated into some horrible state of overstimulation. Everything is too loud, too important, too foggy, too terrifying. I was asked if I wanted to go on an antipsychotic but refused because of the metabolic side effects (I take pride in my body and weight gain would ruin me.)

Things have been uncomfortable. I question the things I see and it makes me fear my own mind. Any of this ring true to some of you? I know it's probably not all that interesting, but I needed somewhere to vent and figured sharing wasn't a terrible idea.
Lovecraft is offline   Reply With Quote
Old February 28th, 2014, 08:09 PM   #2
ksdnfkfr
Banned
 
Join Date: August 28, 2013
Gender: Undisclosed
Blog Entries: 3
Default Re: Hallucinations, universal language barriers and foggy vision: my schizophrenia(?)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lovecraft View Post
description, but I don't officially have that either. I recently went off my antidepressant and my anxiety medication (wellbutrin and klonopin,) which may in part have brought on these experiences.
Yeah, most likely that's it. People who suddenly cut themselves off from meds like that can end up taking a quick plunge into hell. Usually when people want to get off that stuff, they slowly wean themselves off it over a long period of time with their progress being professionally monitored.
ksdnfkfr is offline   Reply With Quote
Old February 28th, 2014, 08:19 PM   #3
Lovecraft
Junior Member+
 
Lovecraft's Forum Picture
 
Name: Catharine
Join Date: February 25, 2014
Location: R'lyeh, summer home in Apocrypha
Age: 20
Gender: Female
Default Re: Hallucinations, universal language barriers and foggy vision: my schizophrenia(?)

Quote:
Originally Posted by kashmir View Post
Yeah, most likely that's it. People who suddenly cut themselves off from meds like that can end up taking a quick plunge into hell. Usually when people want to get off that stuff, they slowly wean themselves off it over a long period of time with their progress being professionally monitored.
Oh I was indeed professionally monitored, also weaned myself off very slowly because I've had bad experiences in the past. It's been a month since I stopped, so I didn't think I'd still feel it.

My father has schizophrenia which is in part why I and a psychologist (not a psychiatrist, can't officially diagnose me) are a bit concerned. Things are just so odd right now.
Lovecraft is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 02:35 PM.


Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright©2000 - 2017
Search Engine Optimisation provided by DragonByte SEO (Lite) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2017 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.
Copyright 2004 - 2017, VirtualTeen.org