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Old January 5th, 2014, 01:54 AM   #1
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Join Date: September 22, 2012
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Default Loneliness & on Lockdown, I don't know what to do..

Hi everyone,

I've posted on this site before ( not in this specific forum ) about my feelings, I got help from some replies but I'm starting to realize something is wrong and am taking a different viewpoint. Sorry if this seems off-topic of this specific forum, but how I feel now about this situation seems to fit in here best.

Some background info:
Nearly two years ago ( in eighth grade, im almost 16 now ) I met a girl who i ended up falling in love with. She was pretty much my first for everything, blah blah blah. She ended up moving rather far away and not wanting a long distance relationship, I forced myself to end it rather earlier than what i was ready for over a pretty depressing skype call. I was absolutely torn by this and was heartbroken for about 2 months, and have since then moved on entirely. I think about having her now, and really want nothing to do with it. It's part of the past.

And up to today, I haven't felt that same passion since. The intense crushes I've had on so many girls have disappeared entirely. I talk to girls now, hoping to feel alive again, and all i feel is a slight excitement ( you know, pretty much physically ) and eventually end up getting bored of the girl and cut her off. I've done this to so many people and end up with the same result every single time. I've even tried pushing into a relationship and the hugs, the kisses, they feel all too meaningless. Yet when im purposely not talking to a girl, i feel dumb because i want a relationship.

I'm starting to realize what has happened to me. I've done some more reading and have figured that my body is on an entire lockdown on a romantic level, thus causing my lack of emotion. I've been waiting around 1 and a half years for this pain to go away and I have not progressed at all. I am stuck in a rut and it is slowly chipping away at my sanity. I'm becoming more and more depressed, I've started to give in to alcohol when I found out myself how it hides the pain, and am overall breaking down. The stress I experience when I am alone is overwhelming.

Its affecting myself and my friends. There's this girl I met once and she ended up becoming my best friend ( she lives about an hour way, so I didn't really pursue anything ) and she eventually told me that she actually likes me. I entirely broke down that night and told her how I would love to feel the same way back to her, but I am simply so dead inside at this aspect that it doesn't make a difference. I considered trying a date with her, but when she found out that I drank to cope with this situation she got rather angry at me and there is still some tension in our friendship, I can feel it. I don't want this to happen to other people I care about.

My question is, what do I do? I am being affected too much by this to leave it alone. Should I just try and let things go, and let my body fix itself? Or should I see a therapist? i feel like my brain re-wired itself when I hurt myself and that girl. I feel like depression meds might help as well, because I frankly am not happy. I just don't know if a therapist is going to actually help me unlock my emotions or just tell me "time heals" and i would be wasting my time.

I'm really sorry if this seems like a long and mixed up post, I'm pretty distraught right now. I appreciate any advice anyone has to give. Thank you for your time.
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