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Old December 28th, 2013, 12:51 PM   #1
Koochi
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Join Date: December 28, 2013
Gender: Male
Default Long story which a pinch of venting- any advice is appreciated

About two years ago I started college; a big change from highschool as I have always been a bit introverted and afraid of people, but when I started college things became different..

I was more outgoing, I had more friends than I could count on two hands and everyone liked me. I was having a great time apart from my studies which I was losing my grip on. It didn't matter; I was having so much fun I thought nothing could really go wrong, but on the day of my results it turned out I didn't make it to next year. Me and my parents even attended the head of college to make an appeal, but that was unsuccessful. I was never that good in school since I moved to a different city when I was 5 years old, things haven't changed much.

Anyway, I applied to a different college which was more of a tuition centre: you come in for a few hours for your lesson, and then everyone leaves. I didn't make any new friends there.

As time went by my old friends started to move on and forget about me. Some of them don't talk to me any more. As this has progressed I have become more and more quiet. I don't say much in the fear that I will say something wrong and other times I feel there is just no point in something being said... because everything I say is essentially futile. During this time my parents were beginning to fight and become more distant. My dad was seeing another woman and kept making false promises to my mother. Now they live separately.

A year ago I also started smoking marijuana regularly. At first I thought it allowed me to look at my behaviour from a distance and examine it objectively. But now that I think about it; I have only become more paranoid. I feel that if i talk too much people will pass harsh judgements and think I'm pathetic. My speech has deteriorated, I have trouble stringing sentences together and I'm pretty sure my short-term memory isn't what it used to be either.

I've always been someone who cares about what people think, or at least takes small things too seriously and now that I'm getting more paranoid I'm afraid I'll never really be able to open up to people and constantly be reserved even though I know and I've been told that I come across friendly. Trouble is, I don't even know what I like any more. I don't listen to music. I'm doing a course I couldn't care too much about and i find it really difficult to enjoy simple things. I probably shouldn't make this a bigger problem than it is but I do not talk about this with anyone because I don't want to worry them and actually come across as someone who is having trouble or has 'slowed down'. I just want things to be the way they were before and not like someone who is on the verge of plunging into psychosis.

Do i think i'm mentally ill? No. But if things continue like this, i'm really not sure.
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Old December 28th, 2013, 12:54 PM   #2
Koochi
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Join Date: December 28, 2013
Gender: Male
Default Re: Long story which a pinch of venting- any advice is appreciated

*long story WITH a pinch of venting

yep. that's my attention span again
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