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Old September 12th, 2013, 03:18 PM   #1
Caerulus
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Name: Beth
Join Date: June 3, 2013
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Default Do you think I'm justified in feeling this way or am I just a bad friend?

not sure if this is the right section to post this thread or if it should be in family and friends but whatever

EDIT: Okay, I realise this is a massive post and I totally didn't mean for it to be, I'm sorry. If you read all the way to the end, thankyou so much, it means a lot ♥♥

Let me start by saying that I am always the person my friends turn to if they want someone to talk to or if they want some advice or whatever. I am practically the group therapist, but I don't mind - in fact, I'm glad that my friends know there is someone who will listen even when it seems like no-one else will, or when it's quite a personal issue they don't want anyone else to know about.

I know what it is like to seek comfort or advice and only receive an "aw poor you" or an "I don't really know what to say, I'm sorry" in response, so I always think carefully about what I'm going to say to ensure that my friends don't have to feel like they're alone in whatever's causing the upset. I try my best to give long, helpful and thoughtful answers no matter how I'm feeling at the time.

For example, I've stayed up most of the night with one of my friends when she was worried about her home life, even though I wanted nothing more than to go to sleep, and have spent an afternoon reassuring another when she was told her mum may have cancer, despite the fact that I was royally pissed off with her at the time. (Her mum is fine, btw.)

But, anyway.

I finally decided to open up to my closest friend about how I've been feeling for the past almost-a-year. It was one of the scariest things I've ever done and I spent about three hours writing this email to her that I finally sent in the middle of the night. She replied fairly quickly (thank God) and I started crying because she was really understanding and comforting and it was really emotional for the both of us, I think.

However, she started saying that she understood what I was feeling because she hurts herself like I do, although for different reasons, and from what I could gather neither as frequently nor to the extent that I do. She said she was so glad she wasn't the only one and now she doesn't feel so alone etc etc.

Don't get me wrong, I'm so glad she opened up to me about it and that she feels better now she's told someone, and I can't believe I didn't notice before.

But... I just... I'd spent ages putting myself in a really vulnerable position and I just wanted... I just wanted it to be about me for once. I always put my friends before myself when they need me to and, for once, I just wanted someone to do the same for me - to return the favour. Is that so bad? She said she didn't want me to think she was turning the conversation on to her, but I couldn't help it, because that's what it felt like. I knew that was being slightly unfair to her though, so I brushed it off and, as usual, spent the remainder of the conversation comforting her.

Over the next few days I tried to be as honest as possible with her about how I was feeling, but it quickly disintegrated into "aw, again? aw, I'm sorry, do you want to talk about it?". I appreciated the offers, I really did, but it just felt like I was being a bother and I was starting to think that despite what she'd said, she didn't actually understand how I'd been feeling. So, I went back to the old "I'm fine"s. She didn't notice.

The other day though, I found out about something that matched how I'd been feeling exactly - better than generalised anxiety or the various types of depression I'd wondered if I had before. (It's social anxiety disorder, if you must know.) I was so freaked out but also relieved that I just had to tell her. Once I'd explained what the symptoms were and how they related back to me though, the response I got was "it sounds like you have that, I think you should go see someone. but omg I think I have that too", and another two or three paragraphs about how some of the symptoms kind of described how she felt.

I just... Why did she have to keep making it about her? Is it unfair of me to think that; am I just being a bitch? I'm glad she feels better about herself, of course I am. But... I just want someone to be there for me for once, like I am for everyone else. Is that too much to ask?

Beth / Female / 15 / English / Questioning
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Old September 12th, 2013, 04:19 PM   #2
eeee
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Default Re: Do you think I'm justified in feeling this way or am I just a bad friend?

You have given and given and given selflessly. You more than deserve someone to be there for you. And I'm absolutely sure that your friend is more than willing to help.
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Old September 13th, 2013, 06:27 AM   #3
Mynick
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Default Re: Do you think I'm justified in feeling this way or am I just a bad friend?

You are a great person. Its really hard listening to all the problems around us and forget our own.
We all need atention, and it's perfectly fine you feel like that, we all need someone that listens to us.
I know is scary open to someone, but you can try to talk with another friend. Or feel free to PM/VM me or post here anytime you want. That's the reason we are here

We're all stories, in the end. Just make it a good one, eh?
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Old September 13th, 2013, 12:13 PM   #4
IAMSAM
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Default Re: Do you think I'm justified in feeling this way or am I just a bad friend?

Beth, caregivers always seem to struggle with getting the care they need.

I think it comes down to your expectations. Your need for attention and concern and care are very legitimate..especially given the deeper, more serious issues you seem to be facing... but the expectation that folks your own age can attend to them is perhaps a bit unrealistic. Need always doesn't justify expectation, you know.

They mean well, but it sounds like you need (and deserve!) someone's full, undivided attention, and for that, you might need to look elsewhere, and in your case, maybe a professional? The roles are very clear, and as a result, so are the expectations. Then, you might be free to enjoy your friends for the support and comfort they're able to provide, b/c the real stuff you need is coming elsewhere, maybe where it should.
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Old September 15th, 2013, 08:12 PM   #5
Despot
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Default Re: Do you think I'm justified in feeling this way or am I just a bad friend?

I'm same as you like completly same. I am always the one who listen others stories and try to help as best as i can, but no one is like that to me. When i start talking about my problems they say "ahhh, dont mind it will go off stay strong" is that it? i mean really? I listened to my brothers girlfriend 2 hours! how she had some problems etc.etc.. and from her tears to good memories and smile.

I made her day and she said that. So basicaly people that complain about their problems to me just wanish after i help them, not saying thanks.

I'm broken inside by how people treat me. But what i can do.. i can only help and not be helped, thats my life. All the best for you! I hope you get someone to listen to you and to be for you there.
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Old September 19th, 2013, 10:27 PM   #6
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Default Re: Do you think I'm justified in feeling this way or am I just a bad friend?

I too, am in the same boat. I'm the kind of guy that's always there for a friend, I tend to help them as much as I can... But when I seek help from my so called "friends" they turn their backs on me...
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