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Old June 4th, 2013, 08:39 PM   #1
sudmais
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Default please, some advice ?

for as long as i have been sentient, so maybe like since i was 4 or 5, i don’t know, i just know i can barely remember any times when i was not aware of weight. i could probably count those memories on my fingers.

i didn’t want to eat lunch today because i still feel like i’m fat and fat people are supposed to lose weight. i know i could have held out. i wonder if i could have held out till 3. i have a fucked up brain. i ate because i didn’t want to dishonor people who are really hurting though.

there are girls and boys dying from starving themselves and i don’t want to trivialize there plight in any way shape or form.

i’m afraid that i like them because they encourage weight gain… once i realized that, i wondered if i wanted an ED so i could get told to gain weight and then i was so disappointed in myself. then i remember my favorite feederism stories have women being told to get fat.

and this is the part of the show where i am thoroughly disgusted with myself. and at the same time, i can attempt to understand myself. i guess i just want an excuse to live out my fantasies that i deny myself in real life…

i know this is bad

i know i shouldn’t. i don’t want to waste people’s time. i don’t want to make people worry. i don’t want to hurt anyone and i don’t want to be diagnosed with anything. i want to hate myself, but i know i shouldn’t.

i like fat but i feel guilty for liking fat.i like my curves. i also like the idea of me getting told to get bigger.but i’m afraid the only way i’d get that satisfaction is to become underweight. kinda like a middle finger to certain people. like ‘look what i had to do to be happy’. but i do’t want to mock people who are actually suffering. if i’m a disgusting twisted, bastard, son of a bitch for feeling this way, then so be it.

i’m not proud of it, but am i allowed to accept this as part of me?

lorrd, i bet if my family found out, they’d try to pray the it away, lol

the more i think about this, the more i want to do it somehow…but how without getting diagnosed and insulting the recovery community ?

the problem with so much time with myself alone means that i psychoanalyze my desires and i learn about myself. it’s a good thing that i’m starting to be honest with myself and accept myself and my desires for once. but i’m also a bit disgusted with myself…

Last edited by sudmais; June 5th, 2013 at 01:49 PM.
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Old June 6th, 2013, 08:34 AM   #2
jayyy-lmao
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Default Re: please, some advice ?

You're so sure that by having this problem you're trivialising ED's.
You're not. Everyone is entitled to have problems, and this is one. You should go to your Doctor, or a school counsellor.

Trans guy / PM if you want to talk. I'll try to help.
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Old June 6th, 2013, 01:26 PM   #3
sudmais
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Default Re: please, some advice ?

i don't have an eating disorder though, i eat normally. sometimes i don't want to, but i do. i just don't want to develop one. my problem is that weight gain is a fetish i have and the only way i see it being encouraged is in people who are recovering. and that's why i'm kinda disgusted with myself.
i do feel like i fight that part of me. in my head, i'm bigger, maybe because i'm meant to be, but right now i fight it because it would be taboo in my family, who i need to keep happy.
i'm trying really hard not to do either, and just stay where i am. i need to keep myself busier and not let myself dwell on these things as much.
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Old June 7th, 2013, 01:47 PM   #4
lightPainting
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Default Re: please, some advice ?

Quote:
Originally Posted by sudmais View Post
i don't have an eating disorder though, i eat normally. sometimes i don't want to, but i do. i just don't want to develop one. my problem is that weight gain is a fetish i have and the only way i see it being encouraged is in people who are recovering. and that's why i'm kinda disgusted with myself.
i do feel like i fight that part of me. in my head, i'm bigger, maybe because i'm meant to be, but right now i fight it because it would be taboo in my family, who i need to keep happy.
i'm trying really hard not to do either, and just stay where i am. i need to keep myself busier and not let myself dwell on these things as much.
let me get this right. so you like having a little fat on you but you feel guilty of it because of the motive?
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Old June 8th, 2013, 07:42 AM   #5
NomGom15
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Default Re: please, some advice ?

I had an eating disorder pretty bad, I was obsessed with exercise and eating as little as possible, I'm better now but I still have weird eating habits but if you want to talk I'd be happy to
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